Into the system…

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Another doctors appointment… another sick note.

with 4 comments

Managed to get a doctors appointment this morning. Wasn’t a very nice appointment. Started with a few questions and me not really knowing what to say. She asked about my relationship. I didn’t know what to say. She asked how my mood was generally. I told her how I’d felt better Monday/Tuesday but less good yesterday – or rather awful yesterday. I didn’t tell her I’d been feeling fairly suicidal again and self harm was on my mind (I’ve not done anything though. Trying to resist), so I don’t know if she realised how awful I felt, but nevermind. She doesn’t need to know.

I finally got the “you should eat better, exercise more, lose weight and you’ll feel better” lecture this morning. I’m surprised it took her this long, but I’ve heard it all before and it’s somewhat annoying. Even more annoying was the way she went about it. I was not impressed. She tells me that now I am at home I have no excuse not to plan my meals, work out what I’m going to buy at the supermakert, cook balanced meals and eat healthily. I wasn’t sharp enough to point out that it is my partner that does all the cooking in our house, he buys the food at the supermarket as it’s next door to his work and we already eat balanced, home cooked meals. I did point out we eat balanced meals, but she evidently didn’t believe me. I wonder if she would even consider that it might not be me that does the cooking considering how old fashioned she is.

I did tell her that I’d not really been eating all that much lately as I’d not been hungry or would forget I hadn’t eaten. You could tell she didn’t seem to believe me and was thinking “you can’t tell from looking at you”. She then obviously told me that not eating wasn’t good for me either and that I probably wasn’t eating the right things when I was eating. The truth is I’m not all that hungry, but I’m eating fairly healthy and balanced meals when they are put in front of me. I’m trying to eat regularly and eat good things, although the only thing I ever feel like eating is chocolate. I’m being good though and not giving into the temptation of sugar. I eat properly when my partner is home, because he makes me and cooks for me. Take for example our meals this week – We had veggie curry (butternut squash, peppers, beans and pulses etc) on Monday, which I also had leftovers of on Tuesday. We had savoury bulgar wheat, pitta bread, salad and sliced spicy sausage yesterday and tonight I think we’re just going to have veggie tomato pasta. Not exactly unhealthy meals. I don’t think I can do much more on the diet front, unless I start starving myself.

She also tells me I have no excuse not to regularly exercise. As you already know, I plan to start swimming now I’m off, but I’m struggling with the costume issue. Think I’m just going to use my emergency costume (that is too big and falls down – but I’ll tie extra knots in the straps) and go anyway tonight. I do enjoy swimming and I miss going regularly now we don’t have a nice pool nearby. Trying a different local pool to see if it’s any better. When I was at uni I went to the aquatic centre a few times a week and generally did 30+ lengths a visit so I used to swim a lot – a few miles a week.

We are trying to get more exercise at the moment – going out on our bikes etc, although our bike ride got called off on Tuesday when a massive thunderstorm started 10 minutes after leaving the house. I know I don’t do enough and I should increase this, but I don’t need to be told. I know exercise releases endorphins. I know I need to lose weight. I know I don’t have an excuse because I’m not at work at the moment. She doesn’t need to tell me all this. I’m not stupid.

The thing is now if I go see her in two weeks time and I’ve not lost any weight she will be able to accuse me of not listening – the problem is I don’t think there is all that much more I can do. I don’t see why she has to bring this up. I know I’m overweight, but I’m actually physically pretty healthy and not all that bothered by it. There are lot more unhealthy slim people around! I also don’t really see how losing weight is going to make me feel any better – I don’t have any weight-related self-esteem issues so this depression is not caused by that and is not going to go away by being a bit lighter.

Hmm this is turning into a fairly defensive rant. I don’t mean it to be that way. I think it just pisses me off that if you see a doctor and you’re overweight any other issues are automatically blamed on that. My problems are not going to be magically solved by getting to the gym more or eating less chocolate. I just wish doctors would understand that. I think by her mentioning this, she’s just made me lose respect in her even more.

She followed this lecture by signing me off again. This time for 2 weeks. She’s concerned I don’t seem to be getting any better (although I was until yesterday) and wants me to feel better before I got back to work. I was curious that my diagnosis line has changed from depression to low mood. I wonder what the distinction is?

This 2 weeks brings me up to my holiday. I have another appointment with her on 17th July and I’m off from 18th July until 28th July anyway. Going to Truck Festival (little music festival in Oxfordshire) and then going to France for a week with uni friends so that’s something to look forward to.

She said if I’m not feeling better when I see her next then she will have to reconsider medication. I’m still resistant, but then I don’t see when this mood is going to lift. I worry I will never feel much better than this and I’m worried I’ll keep relapsing.

I’m feeling rubbish right now.

Following my appointment I talked to my (old?) line manager and told him I had at least another 2 weeks off work. I need to rant about work and my manager in general, but I might try and order my thoughts and do this in another post. The short story is work is frustrating even now I’m not there. There’s a lot of change and I hate being out of the loop. I’m scared. I don’t want to go back and don’t know if I’ll ever even be up to it, despite the fact I love my job. I think it’s because I love my job that I don’t want to go back – because it won’t be the same. It makes me sad thinking about it. It’s complicated though – so more later.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 3rd July 2008 at 1:17 pm

4 Responses

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  1. I guess depression is a diagnosis and low mood is the symptom (where A implies B but B does not imply A), but I don’t think it makes much difference. I just checked, and my doctor’s letter says “depression” and my Initial Assessment feedback is a bit of a mixed bag – first it says “significant difficulties with low mood”, then the next reference is “symptoms of depression”, and the third is “period of low mood”.

    Chouette

    Thursday, 3rd July 2008 at 1:39 pm

  2. People will always try and find immediate reasons for you being depressed followed by immediate fixes. Try not to let it get you down, it’s their failing not yours!

    The Chuckle

    Thursday, 3rd July 2008 at 2:01 pm

  3. One thing that is good is you know you don’t have weight-related self-esteem issues. Those are all too common God knows, not to mention body dysmorphia. Keep holding on to your own sense of yourself: there lies sanity, I fully understand how annoying and intrusive comments like this doctor’s can be though.

    Zoe

    Thursday, 3rd July 2008 at 2:43 pm

  4. If exercise was going to fix depression don’t they think that everyone would be on their exercise bikes by now?! What I’ve always said to my mum is that maybe exercise/diet works for mild depression that may not need treatment but especially in my case when it’s severe debilitating depression I doubt a run around will lift my mood, nor do I have the motivation to do so. Exercise and diet is meant to fix everything these days. Can’t wait til they realise it doesn’t

    xxx

    eccedentesiast

    Thursday, 3rd July 2008 at 11:08 pm


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