Into the system…

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Fed up of this nothingness…

with 6 comments

I’m fed up of feeling like this. For the last few days I’ve just felt nothing. I’m just pottering along in this state of mild depression, feeling very little, unable to think about much and just living out this dull existence. I hate it. I’d rather feel suicidal than this nothingness. I try to make myself feel. I seem unable to push this numb mood into anything more – no hypomania, no suicidal thoughts (or at least few with any real intent), just a state of continual numbness. It’s wearing me down, but it’s not going away.

Then I think about how I’m feeling and the guilt surrounds me. I know I should be thankful that the real sorrow and the desperate, stressful, hysterical existence I was living before is gone (for now – I’m never overly optimistic), but I almost wish it would return, just so I could feel something again. I wish I had something to get stressed over, so I could feel that immense panic, that feeling of being alive. I just wish I had something to worry about. At the moment, my life feels so dull. I miss my work and the way it made me feel when I had to push myself to meet deadlines, strain myself in order to succeed. I loved the adrenalin rush I got from meeting a deadline, from working late to get something done, from completing a piece of work. I feel guilty for wanting that, because I know it only makes me worse. I should be thankful that I am feeling a little better, but I’m not, because it doesn’t feel worth it. This doesn’t feel any better than the mess I was in before. It just feels pointless.

This home life I’m living is pointless. I do my chores. I fold the washing or fill the dishwasher or whatever mundane task needs doing next. I try to do something productive, but I just have no desire. I come online and I read and I write, but even that feels pointless. I try to spend time with my partner and enjoy it, but I just want to be alone. I just don’t have any enjoyment, any feeling at all.

This in itself obviously pushes me downwards and I feel worse for a while, but then something pushes me back into this numbness and it starts again. I feel nothing and get frustrated at feeling nothing and then I feel guilty for wanting to feel something and then I feel worse again. It feels like a stupid cycle. I want to break it and I want to do it in the most dramatic way. I’m just fed up.

Will I ever feel any better than this? If I won’t, then I wonder why I bother.

Written by intothesystem

Sunday, 6th July 2008 at 4:35 pm

6 Responses

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  1. This too must end. I know how incredibly annoying that phrase is but unfortunately it’s true. And, surprisingly enough, it’s become my motto recently. Maybe think on it a bit?

    Suzy x

    dumpedbyahallucination

    Sunday, 6th July 2008 at 9:16 pm

  2. You know when you can go back to work? Might be the best thing. Staying at home doing chores obviously isn’t helping. Maybe you could do part time for a while? I don’t know. Keep safe xx

    eccedentesiast

    Monday, 7th July 2008 at 4:04 am

  3. Maybe work from home to start with? That way you’re on your own but part of the whole work thing? But I wouldn’t rush back too soon, feeling numb and trying to push yourself at the same time is no fun.
    Suzy’s right, all these periods have an end, it just doesn’t feel like it at the time. Hang in there, and don’t pressure yourself.

    The Chuckle

    Monday, 7th July 2008 at 9:37 am

  4. Part time working, is there any way you could go back one day a week, or a few hours a week so you still get that buz and targets to aim for without compleatly exhausting youself. I second Suzy these periods will end. Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Monday, 7th July 2008 at 5:06 pm

  5. Thanks :)

    Chuckle & Colouredmind – At the moment it is unsure if I have a job to go back to. I work in consultancy so my role is to be filled by someone else from tomorrow. I will probably have to start a new project when I return to work. I will probably end up going back part time or working from home at first, but we don’t know yet. They are trying to decide if there is room for 2 of us on my old project, otherwise I will need to find something new. We shall see I guess. See my work post coming soon!

    intothesystem

    Monday, 7th July 2008 at 5:35 pm

  6. […] morning I don’t know how I feel. I feel better, but I think I’ve only returned to that numb state of being able to function, but not feeling all that great. I’m not desperately suicidal right now, but I still feel low.. I wouldn’t mind that […]


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