Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

another day, still no time…

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This is getting ridiculous now. I need to find a way out. I need an escape. I just want some time to myself. Surely that is not too much to ask for? I just want time where I don’t have to have achieved something, time where it is mine to squander as I please!

Today I woke up late. I intended on getting up at about 9 and going straight to the pool, but I fell asleep after my bloke left for work and didn’t wake until after ten. My sleep has gone the other way lately. It used to be insomnia. Now it’s just too much. I seem to get a minimum of 10 hours at the moment, when I am usually quite happy with 6.

Anyway, I got up slowly and made it to the pool shortly after 11. Swam my fifty lengths. It was harder today than yesterday – arms aching a little from the shock of having to do something, but still not bad. By the time I got to thirty it was getting much easier again and I probably would have kept going a while longer if I wasn’t turning into a prune. It’s funny though. I was probably the fattest person in the pool, but I was still lapping everyone. I was lapping some of the old people at a rate of three lengths to their one. Most of the women at the pool are Cheshire-housewife-types, in designer swimwear and perma-tans. I get a look of disapproval as I enter the pool – I’m definitely not one of them! It makes me a little uncomfortable, but at least I have the satisfaction that I’m a better swimmer. I might not have their figures, their tans or their money, but I’m not sure I’d want them anyway.

After that, I just went around a couple of the retail parks in town, trying to find accessories to go with my dress and a swimming costume. I finally succeeded on the swimming costume front, although I failed on all other counts. Will have to try it in the pool though – the only real test!

Got home and just talked to my other half and he had the cheek to have a go at me for not achieving more today. This is getting me down. I was actually feeling fairly satisfied that at least I’d stayed out of the house and didn’t come online until this afternoon. He then goes and takes that away by moaning at me for not doing enough. He tells me that I’ve got “two weeks free holiday” and that I shouldn’t waste it by doing nothing. I don’t think he understands that part of what made me ill was doing too much. I can’t explain and I can’t deal with it.

There is more I need to do today. I need to tidy the study and more pressingly, I’m on cooking duty. I hate cooking. I can do it, but I just never want to eat what I’ve cooked after I’ve bothered. He expects dinner on the table when he returns from work though. I am not a bloody housewife, but he still demands it of me. I try to argue, but I know I don’t have a leg to stand on. I never cook and it is my turn, but I just can’t face it. Is it ridiculous that I’m feeling the pressure just thinking about this. I should have had it on half an hour ago and I haven’t because I was catching up on my blogroll and writing here. Now I feel stressed that I need to rush to complete it on time. Stress makes me want to hurt myself. I’m not getting any better. That I can see now.

How can I explain all this to him? He doesn’t understand. He still calls me lazy. I’m starting to wonder if I can carry on like this. I’d rather be at work than have to play merry housewife. argh! Why does this make me feel like this? I’m all worked up over nothing and feel like shit. When will this feeling go away?

I need an escape.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 8th July 2008 at 5:08 pm

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