Into the system…

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My post yesterday is rubbish. I was rushing it because I was stressed and it shows. I don’t think I could convey how frustrated I was feeling though and it’s written now. It might as well stay.

My mood was fractured yesterday evening. The nothingness had dissipated and was replaced by this agitated blackness. I was struggling to concentrate and just wanted to escape and be alone. I spent the night thinking about suicide and looking for alternatives, feeling more and more certain I don’t have any other options. It’s still on my mind, but I keep pushing it away. I find myself wishing that living was a viable option, but it just doesn’t feel like it at the moment. Death doesn’t seem all that viable either though. I’m scared I’ll fail and have to deal with the consequences of a failed attempt. That doesn’t fill me with much hope or encouragement. I think about running away. Leaving this life and starting a new one somewhere else, but I know that is all fantasy. I wonder if it is possible to just leave and never come back.

My partner would ask what was up last night and I’d just put on my happy face and pretend things were okay. He could see I was agitated – the fact I was grizzly like a toddler was a bit of a give-away. I couldn’t hide it, but I couldn’t explain either.

I didn’t eat my dinner. A few mouthfuls of curry were all that I could manage. Cold curry leftovers for lunch today, but not sure I can even face it now. It’s good curry too. I’m just not hungry. My bloke made a silly joke about not cutting myself when preparing the squash and it just made me want to more. At least I think he was joking. I don’t tend to cut though as it’s too hard to hide. I also had this feeling of not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right saying that, although I don’t know why he’d be satisfied.

Went to bed and tried to sleep but my mind was going over and over reasons to live and reasons to die. I eventually fell asleep before I’d reached a conclusion.

This morning I feel less wound up, but still a little bleak. I feel lonely and unwanted. I have been trying to talk to people on msn, but no one is responding. Paranoia kicks in and I don’t know if it’s because my msn isn’t working or because they don’t want to talk to me. No one at work is responding. I wonder if they’ve got fed up of me asking what’s going on without me there. I feel left behind. I know I am meant to be taking a break, but it’s weird to know someone new started yesterday to take on my old role. I hope she does it justice, although I wonder how she is going to learn everything without anyone to teach her. I’m jealous, which is silly, but I can’t help it. I worry that people will talk about me and compare me to her, making comments such as “at least she [the new girl] isn’t mad” or something.

Seeing my friend from work on Monday was good, but difficult at times. It was nice to see her and we chatted a lot. I didn’t know her all that well, but she asked questions and wasn’t scared of my responses. It was good to talk about things in an open way . I guess because I don’t know her all that well, it was easier to be open and honest, especially as I knew she was interested and comfortable with what I had to say. I found myself wanting to open up more, but knowing if I did it would probably step over the mark. I talked about frustrations at work and found it difficult to be honest, knowing she sits next to my line manager at my old desk three days a week. I’d worry something I’d said would let slip. It was late by the time I left though and I found myself not wanting to go home. It was good to escape for a bit and just have some time to focus on myself and how I’ve been feeling. I felt bad that we talked about me for most of the night, but she didn’t seem to mind.

I’m seeing another friend tomorrow I think. Haven’t seen him for a while, but he’s a friend I’ve shared things with in the past and one that understands what it is like to feel like this, so it should be good to catch up. I miss him.

I’m going to see Ben Folds this evening. I love Ben Folds, but hope he is less disappointing than he was at Glastonbury. It will be nice to immerse myself in some music for a few hours though.

Today has been another day of nothing so far. It’s what I want, but I still feel guilty for it. I am not good at doing nothing, but I think that’s because so often I’m berated for it. My mother forever moaned at me for procrastinating and my partner seems to now too. I wish doing nothing was okay, but even I get frustrated at myself for endless procrastination. I still have a list of things I have to do and another list of things I want to do, but I can’t find a way to work through them. I try to set myself little targets, but then get upset when I fail. Today I must swim, but I’m going before the gig as it is on the way. Until then, I imagine I’ll just waste the rest of my day.

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 9th July 2008 at 1:11 pm

3 Responses

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  1. What you have described sounds really difficult. How is your CMHT referral going. Is there any chance that you could go back to the GP and see if meds could be changed at all to help you fight the sui thoughts. Hannah X


    Wednesday, 9th July 2008 at 3:22 pm

  2. Can definitely relate to the failed attempt feeling. One of the worst feelings in the world is waking up in the morning, realising it didn’t work and you failed once more. Subjected to more and more misery.

    Hope you had a good swim. Take care, maybe you should go see your GP, though I should be taking the same advice. Stay safe xx


    Wednesday, 9th July 2008 at 9:52 pm

  3. […] but still not easy. I know that. I’m not sure I can do it, but I wish I had the courage. As I’ve said before, a failed attempt would be worse than just carrying on, so it makes things harder, but then what if I could ensure it wouldn’t fail? Would I be able […]

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