Into the system…

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improving a little…

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I feel a little better. I think.

Even only a couple days later, I find it hard to remember quite how low I was. Reading back what I wrote on Friday is slightly worrying, because it is weird to think when you feel a little better, that only a couple days ago you wanted to kill yourself.

On Friday afternoon I did eventually make it to the pool and spent a couple hours faking normalcy, but I retained an unhealthy obsession over suicide for much of the day. Somehow I retained the little scrap of fight though, enough to keep me here at least.

I woke up still feeling low on Saturday, but ready to switch into normal-everything-is-ok-mode, as my sister was due to arrive at lunchtime. She was coming to visit for the weekend and as she doesn’t know anything about what has happened and I don’t intend for my family to find out, I had no choice but to spend a weekend pretending I felt fine. Pretending you are okay when you’re really feeling awful is difficult, but I’m well practised. Even still, by Saturday night I had a splitting headache and had had enough.

Sunday was a lazy morning. My sister tends to get up late, so it was a good excuse for me to be lazy too. In the afternoon we went to see Antony Gormley’s, Another Place at Crosby Beach. I was still in a weird mood and was preoccupied by the idea that the figures were wandering out to sea to their deaths, wishing I could just join them, but knowing my partner and sister were with me it was pointless thinking like that. Our visit was only short – we were going to stay out longer, but had forgotten suncream and got hideously muddy in the quick-sand. I guess by pretending to feel normal, it was becoming easier to believe it really. I guess my mood did start to improve a little and the gorgeous weather was definitely helping.

This morning I don’t know how I feel. I feel better, but I think I’ve only returned to that numb state of being able to function, but not feeling all that great. I’m not desperately suicidal right now, but I still feel low.. I wouldn’t mind that much if I died, but am not in a position to DIY.

What is strange with all this, is how these awful, crushing, suicidal lows can be so fleeting. I find myself wondering why I drop to such lows so quickly, but then come back up to this moderately-depressed state just as quick as I’d fallen. It scares me that one day I won’t come back up. I also find myself frustrated as I don’t know what to do with myself when I fall down there. What happens if I do give up the fight and give in to the thoughts? All I might have needed is a couple more days and I might have come back up again. What is frustrating is I won’t remember all of this next time I fall. I will feel completely overwhelmed and unable to cope, just as I have time and time again before.

Aside from that, I wonder if this nothingness, moderate depression is the best I can hope for. It seems to be my normal state these days – so maybe that is normal? I know I haven’t tried medication and that might be what I need to push this to normal, normal, but then I wonder if it will really help, or if I am naturally like this. Maybe I’m not meant to feel anything. Maybe a low mood is normal? What would I know? I’ve nothing to compare it to.

The other thing I wonder is, when is it okay to ask for help? How do I take myself seriously when I know that it might pass, but then again, what happens if a) it doesn’t or b) it’s too late. I don’t know if to tell my GP about the mood I crashed into at the end of last week or not. Does she need to know, or is it more important that I’m feeling a little better now? I don’t want her to keep me off work any longer than I have to, so I am reluctant to let her know I had a relapse, yet I also don’t want to keep relapsing. I just don’t know what to think any more.

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 14th July 2008 at 5:05 pm

5 Responses

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  1. You ought to have at least 1 person looking out for you and if the prime suspect is your GP (even if not ideal) then that’s a start. If nothing else you can at least talk to him/her and maybe get some help or advice when you need it. Other than that put yourself first and don’t rush back to work before you’re really ready – take care

    The Chuckle

    Monday, 14th July 2008 at 5:35 pm

  2. I like the comment from ‘The Chuckle’. You are a special person and deserve having someone looking out for you.

    And if you want to understand the dangers of high expectations, there’s a great book called ‘Affluenza’ by Oliver James. If you see the world for what it is, and feel bad about it, it may just be that the book might help you realise that you’re not wrong and help you feel comfortable being the real you?

    Best wishes



    Monday, 14th July 2008 at 7:16 pm

  3. Agree with The Chuckle. Best to have someone and right now your GP is that person. You can explain that you don’t feel like that now, but are worried it’ll happen again and what to do in a crisis.

    Take care of yourself and stay special x


    Monday, 14th July 2008 at 10:35 pm

  4. Agree with everyone else, tell your GP. Its someone who should know what they are talking about and you can bash ideas and theories off them. Dont be risky, let other people watch out for you too. I am glad that you no longer feel DIYish. Hannah X


    Monday, 14th July 2008 at 11:55 pm

  5. In answer to your own question – it is never too early to ask for help! Particularly with the worryingly sudden downturns you are experiencing. Been there and know how incredibly frightening it can be – both at the time and looking back on it. So, another comment agreeing with The Chuckle! Go to your GP.


    Tuesday, 15th July 2008 at 4:14 pm

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