Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

into the present…

with 4 comments

Moving away from the topic of work for a minute and thinking about how I am right this moment is not all that easy. Many of the thoughts about when I might return to work and if I’m actually any better are still on my mind, but there are other things too, alongside a fairly high presence of suicidal thoughts. I guess my slight improvement was fairly short-lived, although I’m not quite in the same place that I was on Friday morning.

I think I’m going to take a break from my laptop for a few hours and see if that brings about any improvement. Finding the energy and motivation to do anything is not easy though. I guess I still need to pay my daily trip the pool, but the thought is tiring in itself. My partner has also set me a challenge – one that I’d usually relish (it involves web design, proper WordPress and other joys like that), but right now it’s not really something I fancy (oh, it’s that age old thing of not wanting to do the things you love again!).

I have the doctors tomorrow. I’m going to ask for the meds. I think that in itself tells a story. I’m scared though. What if they don’t work? I read this somewhere the other day, as justification for not wanting to take meds and I agree. It was comforting to have this last-ditch option available to me, so I’m scared that I’m now having to use it. Where would I be if they don’t work and what if I have to rely on meds forever? I’m scared at the prospect, but I suppose I need to do something. I guess we shall see what happens.

I do just wish this would all go away. I just wish *I* could go away, but maybe that isn’t the answer either? *sigh*

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 16th July 2008 at 2:09 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Whether you do end up getting meds or not, the other thing you should be looking at is CBT. Discuss it with your doctor, although you’ll probably have to go private since getting it through the NHS takes ages.


    Wednesday, 16th July 2008 at 4:01 pm

  2. James is right, although sometimes you can get a short number of therapy sessions quite quickly – it’s not great but it may be better than your GP – but again, it would have to be through your GP’s referral. If you do end up going private, shop around – there are some organisations, depending on where you are in the country, that can offer reduced rates with therapists in the last year of training – I’ve got a friend who went that route and it worked really well. Don’t rush back to work out of fear of what’s going on without you though, it’s not worth the pressure.

    The Chuckle

    Wednesday, 16th July 2008 at 5:29 pm

  3. If they dont work you can try other meds or other therapy. I remember thinking about what would happen when we decided to stop my first medication, second, third and so on. Hannah X


    Wednesday, 16th July 2008 at 6:05 pm

  4. I am waiting for a therapy assessment. They’re just taking forever. I might look at going private through my health insurance, but when I looked at the details it seemed that there wasn’t any provision for mental health, only operations and the like. hmm.


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 11:20 am

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