Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

return to the GP… and a return to work…?

with 7 comments

So I’ve been back to my doctor this morning.

She’s changed her tune and now wants me to go back to work. Last time I saw her she didn’t want me to go back if I hadn’t picked up. This time she wants me to, even though I told her things hadn’t picked up. I wonder if the fact I’ve hit the month mark is making her itchy. I also wonder now if she’s given up on the hope that a break would help.

We talked a little bit about it, but I didn’t know what to say to her. She makes me terrible uncomfortable, just “hmm-ing” at me and being patronising. I realised today how much I hate her. I am not sure I can go back to her even. There are some new GPs starting at the practice soon, so I might try and get transferred. I know there’s little point me going to a GP I can’t trust.

I couldn’t be honest with her. I wonder what her response would have been if I told her what was going on in here. I can’t tell her how I feel. I can’t be honest with people face-to-face, not in the way that I can when I write. I told her that things hadn’t picked up, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the s-word, so I think she just thinks I’m feeling a little low. I suspect she doesn’t realise how low. In fact I’m fairly sure she doesn’t. I am still suicidal. More so today than yesterday. More so yesterday than Tuesday. So will I be more so tomorrow than today? I don’t know. I’m not sure I can get much more suicidal without actually doing the deed. I’m still fighting the thoughts, but it’s becoming more and more tempting to just give in.

I didn’t tell her any of that though. I just ended up agreeing with her to look at a return to work. In as much as I want to do anything (which is not much at all), I do want to go back to work, but I am scared. I have planned holiday for the next week, so she’s signed me off until 30th July. She said a short week to start off with might be a good idea and that gives me long enough to adjust to the idea of a return. I have no idea if I’ll be ready by then. I don’t feel ready, yet I wonder if it’s time to just try ignoring the problem again. Tackling it doesn’t seem to be helping much anyway, but I know where ignoring it got me. One thing I do know though is that I can’t stay off work forever.

The question of meds came up too and I think she was surprised when I agreed to her at least writing me a prescription. I have given up the fight I think. I just decided to do whatever she told me, as I didn’t know what else to say to her. I did tell her I might not go collect it, but I think I probably will. I hate giving in. I can be so stubborn sometimes. I don’t want to, but I read so often that you have to “keep taking the meds” that I should probably listen. I’m just not sure I want to. I’m just not sure I want to do anything. It seems Fluoxetine 20mg is going to be the drug of choice for the next 6 months though. So we shall see.

I am unsure about everything. The only thing I do feel sure about is that I can’t carry on like this. It’s just when I feel like this, the mind inevitably turns to the easy option. *bangs head on desk*

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 11:17 am

7 Responses

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  1. I have much sympathy and empathy for where you are. Sometimes talking to a therapist feels just stupidly pointless. But, look at it this way. You seem reluctant to take the meds. But you say you aren’t sure how much more despondant you can get without doing the deed. Well, I’m not sure what your reasons are for not wanting to take the meds, but, you might as well take them, since nothing seems to matter any more anyway. Does that twisted logic kind of make sense?
    Feeling like I’d slid down a cliff and I’m at the bottom with no way up, bruised and torn up… I hated that feeling. There was NO way for me to scale that cliff on my own. Try the meds, stick with them, cause you likely can’t get up the cliff on your own. What’s the worst that’s going to happen? You are still at the bottom but you have one or two side effects and are out a co-payment?
    Give it a try, and in the meantime, keep writing. Your therapist might be a twit, but there are folks out here reading. And there are folks out here, strangers even, who care.


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 12:01 pm

  2. What meds and dosage are you trying. If you dont trust your GP swap, ask for one at your practice with an interest in mental health. Hope things pick up soon. Hannah X


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 2:41 pm

  3. Hannah – if you look up you will notice the words “Fluoxetine 20mg” hidden deep within the depths of the post. Just been and collected the pills.


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 2:46 pm

  4. Oh yes I see now, really should enter some dumb blonde joke here but I have brown hair and as I dont know your hair colour and at risk of ofending you I shant. Oh they are green and creme and have no taste. Bonus!!! So youve collected them, so you will give them a go? Hannah X

    Ohh and I have put you on my blogroll


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 3:28 pm

  5. aww.. they are indeed green and cream in plastic capsules so mega-easy to take I presume. I am going to give them a go. I’ve got nothing to lose I guess.


    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 5:23 pm

  6. Good for you, at the end of the day everyone above is right, nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain, well maybe something to gain. And, as everyone else hsa said, switch GPs if yours is a total ass – sorry for the Enid Blyton language there – there are plenty of good GPs who will be supportive, helpful and all round good eggs (damn, twice in one comment).

    And I think Hannah should go with the blonde jokes, I’m blonde and quite happy to hear a few.

    The Chuckle

    Thursday, 17th July 2008 at 5:32 pm

  7. Have a look at Spikol’s most recent post about meds. Plenty of productive, intelligent, successful people (and the rest of us!) take anti-depressants. Don’t worry about what other people might think or what that little bit of you that promised you would never take them thinks. Just get better and get happy!


    Friday, 18th July 2008 at 12:51 am

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