Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

shiny happy pills…

with 4 comments

So I took shiny-happy-pill number 1 this morning. Obviously it is going to have absolutely no effect on me at all for a few days (or weeks?!) but I still feel a little weird having done it. I know everyone is right and I have absolutely nothing to lose – at least the rational part of me does. The rest of me doesn’t see the point in doing anything, but nevermind.

Today is a stressful day. Unfortunately, stressful days = suicidal days. I can’t face the enormous task list ahead of me. The expectation of me to just get on with things. The expectation that I will complete all these tasks, despite the fact that getting up feels like enough of a challenge. The expectation that I will stop using “this excuse”. I hate expectation.

Lying in the bath half an hour ago, I’d have done anything to just slip under the water and stay there. It feels like the only thing keeping me here today, is the fact we have a friend here and his presence makes all of my possible plans useless.

Tonight, we travel down south for a weekend in a field, followed by a trip across the sea on Sunday night, for a week in France. I won’t be around for a while. The prospect of the holiday fills me with dread. I was looking forward to it, but now the day is here I can’t face it. I don’t feel up to a week pretending I’m fine and everything is normal. I don’t feel up to a week of putting on a happy face, getting up every day and going places. I don’t feel up to today. The packing, the cleaning, the endless list of tasks I have to battle through. I just can’t face anything.

I have no choice though. I guess this lack of choice, makes the ultimate exercise of choice even more appealling.

I must stop now. Writing here today is almost self-harm. It means I have even less time to complete the tasks of the day and it means I will be under even more pressure. I can’t help myself though. I almost want to put myself under this pressure. I almost want to tip myself over the edge, because then I won’t have to care anymore. Then I’d be able to just give up. I wouldn’t have this little portion of my conscience eating away at me, hating myself for thinking like this, being like this. I hate it.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 18th July 2008 at 10:40 am

4 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Take a break. It’s hard enough doing things when you’re feeling okay if you have one mountain of things to do, let alone if you’re depressed at the same time. Do something then watch Trisha. Do another thing, have a cuppa. Put your feet up. If you’re packing do it in your living room or something and sit yourself on a pile of pillows so you’re a little more relaxed and a little less stressed.

    I know it’d hard. I’ve got nothing to do, which is good, but am still working on a half hourly basis. If I think any further I just feel trapped and claustrophobic.

    Is there anyone you can call or talk to?

    Take care xx sorry am not much use


    Friday, 18th July 2008 at 1:28 pm

  2. Definitely agree with E, chill as much as possible – I always have the TV or radio or music or something on in the background to drown out the silence. Try and avoid anything that involves thinking…hope the break does you good and is better than your prophesying!

    The Chuckle

    Friday, 18th July 2008 at 1:57 pm

  3. Agree with everyone else; try to do something relaxing. A good book to get lost in or trashy TV, lie down and listen to some music. Hope your break is a good one. Hannah X


    Saturday, 19th July 2008 at 6:43 pm

  4. How are you getting along with the AD’s? I hope you are okay… you should take a break from work, it’s your choice not your GP’s and it would be wise to take a few weeks at least until the meds kick in and you are feeliing less low.


    Sunday, 27th July 2008 at 8:39 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: