Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Shock to the System…

with 3 comments

I knew it would be like this. I knew my return to work would be a shock. It has been and I’m not sure I am up to handling it, but I don’t know what else to do. I know I should take all of your advice and go back to my GP, but I don’t see how sitting at home is any better. I don’t see how anything can be any better. I don’t see the point in work. I don’t see the point in life.

Being back in the office has both benefits and issues.

People keep asking me where I’ve been or how I am and I genuinely don’t know how to answer. I am not better and I know that, but I don’t want to disappoint people. They expect to hear that you’re fine and glad to be back. I’m not fine and I’m not sure if I’m glad to be back.

I hate how visible my role is. I know everyone and it’s a big office. There are literally hundreds of people, all wanting to know where I’ve been. People are nosy. Some people knew where I’d been. Others had no idea – some thought I was on holiday or I’d left the project. My reappearance in the office has made people suspicious. It does make me wonder if I should have had a new start on a new project, but then I am glad for my friends. The news seemed to travel fast. Before I’d even told people I was back, they were popping over to my desk to see me. It was nice to be welcomed, but I couldn’t deal with their questions. I didn’t want to tell them how I really felt. Seeing people is nice, but it’s all too much, too fast. After seeing virtually no one for weeks, it’s weird to see everyone again.

In terms of the work. The distraction is good. Yesterday, I focussed on clearing out my inbox and that was easy. I just had to keep answering the queries, clicking the buttons and making things happen. I could do all those things on autopilot and I was distracted from my thoughts and feelings for a few hours. If work was like that all the time I could handle it. I just had to keep going.

The problem is when the distraction stops. Last night I lay awake, thinking about the day, about work, about life. I kept thinking about how pointless everything is. My thoughts are all negative. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Today has been harder. I’ve almost run out of monotonous tasks. I’m now being required to think. I am incapable of thought. The thoughts that I do have are negative and so far removed from the productive, work-like thoughts I need to be creating I just don’t know how. Intelligent thought is impossible.

Conference Calls are painful. I hate calls at the best of times, but today was impossible. I was aware that I sounded like a gibbering idiot; someone that doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I was frustrated with myself. I hate the fact I’m only a shadow of my old self. I hate that I’m not as quick and knowledgable. I hate that I can’t order my thoughts, because my mind is dominated by the black cloud hanging over my head. I got away with it today. The call wasn’t important and I still knew more than my colleagues, but I can’t keep this up. I will be found out. I will slip up. I will break down.

I don’t know what to do. I am back to where I was before my sick-leave. I am no better than I was then. I hate the fact that I am no better. This lack of progress makes me want to give up. I don’t want to admit there has been no progress. I don’t want to go back to my GP. I don’t want to go home and wait to feel better. I don’t want to do any of this.

I can feel myself losing hope. I see no future and no point.

p.s. On a happier note. Thanks to those who nominated me for the awards doing the rounds. I appreciate it. I will do mine soon, but I’m not quite in the frame of mind, sorry.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 31st July 2008 at 4:45 pm

3 Responses

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  1. It was the hardest part of returning back to work I found as well… I also worked in a large office and I felt so intimidated when people kept asking me how I was and why I’d been off so long!

    Please reconsider going back to your GP, you don’t have to stay at home and be ill, I don’t know where you live but could you not visit some local places or hop on a train – even a visit to the library for some books just to get you out and about…

    If you are not ready for work and it certainly sounds like you know you are not ready then you will only succeed to make yourself worse by going back too soon.

    I returned back to work last February after a brief 3rd absence. By this point HR where doing everything in there power to help me and not have me go sick again. For the first couple of weeks I was fine, then I felt rough, the depression and low mood crept back and for two days I wandered around the office in a daze not listening or taking in what people where saying to me.

    I then broke down, I lost my temper during a call with a customer and I physically broke down in front of the staff and management, all I vaguely remember saying whilst running out of the office was “I want to die”…. I saw my GP was seen by the crisis team and the rest they say is history. I made the decision to resign from my job last August and whilst I miss it some days I also know even now I am not ready to think about work, but hopefully next year I will try my hand at working again!

    x

    Alison

    Thursday, 31st July 2008 at 8:45 pm

  2. I’m not really sure what to say. Pretty much bed bound at the moment, bar the walk my mum insists on taking me on each night. I doubt anything I can say will help much, just hang in there. We’re all here and will never tire or get bored or leave. We’re here to listen and to help so don’t apologise for anything.

    Take care and one step at a time x

    eccedentesiast

    Thursday, 31st July 2008 at 9:25 pm

  3. At least its a shorter week this week. Have you spoken to HR about everything, or given much more thought about going back to the GP. If its all too much say so, I went back to school too quickly and I ended up in hospital again but for even longer. Just do what you can, thats all we can do. X

    colouredmind

    Friday, 1st August 2008 at 12:58 am


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