Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Continued existence…

with 5 comments

I want to write, but I just don’t know how to put things into words at the moment. I am unsure of how I feel, of where I stand and of my future.

I should be working, but I guess I can award myself a lunch break. It’s not something I am used to doing though. I have always worked long hours, without breaks. I am still a workaholic. Nothing changes.

Working from home today. It feels easier. Less pressure and the option to be myself; just stare at the wall if I need to. I have got more done than yesterday, but I’m still struggling. It is a pointless, continual existence. I can carry on, but I don’t know why I am.

I feel isolated. Both my HR contacts are on holiday and there is no one to go to. I want to discuss flexible working and other options, but I don’t know who to ask. I know I should be shouting up. I know I should be telling people how I feel and asking for help, but then there is no one here to listen. My line manager is busy and has enough on her plate. She has been supportive, but I don’t want to be a burden. I’m trying to let her get on with things. Trying to support myself.

I know I should go to my GP, but I don’t trust her and can’t open up with her. I wish there was another way. Someone else to go to, but I feel so cut off. I’ve still not heard from the mental health team. I don’t know who else to ask.

Things are back to how they were when no one knew. I’ve stopped talking to people. Stopped asking for help again. Started pretending things are okay. It’s easier to just put on my happy face again and pretend everything is sorted, even though it clearly isn’t.

I can’t admit how bad I feel and how hard this is. There’s this piece of me that wants to fall apart. This self-destructive urge that wants me to go back to work and fail spectacularly, because then I can say “I told you so”. Then I could show just how hard this all is, without having to admit it. I could show that things are far worse than I make out they are. I have suggested I’m coping to those that ask, but I’m not. I am still on the edge. I’m still close to breaking down completely, holding it together for no reason that I can see.

There frustrating thing is the lack of light at the end of the tunnel. I still see no future and no point. It’s something that niggles away at me constantly. I try to pretend I’m okay and things are improving, but I know there is no point if I don’t see a future. I can carry on like this. I can keep going, keep working, keep pretending, for days, weeks or years. I could do it, but I see no point in it. Is there any point for existing for existence’s sake? Is there any point in continuing to work, continuing to live, if it is always going to be this way? It makes any kind of effort or recovery seem pointless. Impossible, even. I don’t know why I’m still here. I wish it was easier not to be.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 1st August 2008 at 1:33 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Sounds like seeing your GP is the best bet; although maybe not ideal she’s the one who can sign you off again – and if she’s really not helpful maybe switch to another practice? Whatever you do, it sounds like work’s not a real option. I suppose you have a weekend to mull it over and then come to a decision. Take care, and seriously think about not going back yet!

    The Chuckle

    Friday, 1st August 2008 at 4:00 pm

  2. Take the weekend to think about what you need, if you still need time off then you have no choice but to see your GP, or like chuckle said see another GP in the practice. I know only to well how hard it is to open up to your GP, I’ve had the same one for 20 years and his father before him and despite suffering mental health problems for 8 years I’ve only just begun to be more honest and open with him!


    Friday, 1st August 2008 at 8:29 pm

  3. Not sure where exactly you live but if you can’t bring yourself to go to the doctors right now but need someone to talk to, have you thought about one of the Samaritans drop in centres. After speaking at their conference I found, from the horse’s mouth, that they can’t do anything with what you say. Only encourage you to “do the right thing” but no forcing.

    it’s not just for suicide related things, they’re happy to talk about anything or just sit with you. I’ve had crappy experiences online and via text with them but they’re drop in centres are recommended. Even if you just pop in unannounced for a cuppa

    I don’t know. Drivelling again x


    Saturday, 2nd August 2008 at 1:13 am

  4. Sounds like you really should be getting back to your GP. If you dont feel comfortable talking to he could you see a different one in your practice or even change surgaries. Any news on how your CMHT referral is coming along. X


    Sunday, 3rd August 2008 at 7:14 pm

  5. Sorry you are feeling so rotten, Intothesystem. Depression is such an isolating condition. I hope you can get some respite or relief somewhere soon.


    Thursday, 7th August 2008 at 2:34 pm

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