Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Going Backwards…

with 4 comments

So I’m back to where I was 7 weeks ago. I’ve just returned to my GP and have been signed off again. The appointment didn’t go as I’d hoped. The second I walked in the door, I was reminded of how frustrated she makes me. I had written a lot of stuff down, but failed to share it with her. I just couldn’t bring myself to show her and the paper remained screwed up in my handbag, unread. I go in there and feel flustered and rushed and unable to explain things. I lose all semblance of coherence and talk utter rubbish. She makes me feel patronised and pathetic.

I did manage to talk a little about my agitated mood. She suggested the agitation could be a side effect of the medication, but wanted to persevere with them, telling me they can take a month or so to settle down. I am unconvinced. I feel the same way that I did a couple of months back, long before I was medicated. I am not sure I convinced her how frustrated this makes me feel. I am not sure she realises the extent of this mood. I know I failed to mention the s-word again.

We talked about work and HR’s worries. I suggested part-time work and she seemed reluctant. She seems to have this theory that if you’re fit to work, then you work, if you’re not fit, you don’t. She doesn’t seem to like the idea of a phased return or working a bit. I tried to explain that I think it would help. Doing nothing drives me mad, but she just told me I wasn’t up to it. I’m not sure I’ll listen though – need to talk to HR and see what they say instead.

In the end, I was shuttled off with my prescription for the next month’s worth of pills, a sick note for the next 2 weeks and an instruction to see her again. I tried to book the next appointment, but she’s on holiday. I’m glad. I think the receptionist was taken aback by my keenness to see someone else instead! A new doctor has started at the practice so I will see him in 2 weeks time. I just hope I can be more honest with him than I can with her. I just hope I can get through the next 2 weeks to actually see him. I’m not 100% sure I can. I know I have to take things a bit at a time.

One thing I’d been worried about, was the fact I still haven’t been completely honest with my partner over the past few days, or even weeks. Although he knows I’ve been off and knows I’m still not better, I know that I’ve maintained the front I have always had. I know that I’ve hidden the worst from him and made out that everything was okay, even if it wasn’t. He doesn’t know that I have a secret stash of pills, there for if I need them, let alone how close I find myself getting to needing them.

After the doctors I talked to him briefly. I let him know I’d been signed off again and I think he was surprised. I tried to explain things weren’t as better as I’d made out, telling him I’ve been struggling to concentrate with work and feeling agitated again. He doesn’t think a lack of concentration is cause for concern, pointing out that everyone has trouble concentrating at work and he joked that he’d like to be signed off for it! I don’t think he understood what I meant, although I did say that things are like how they were before I was signed off and I think he might get it now. I’m not convinced though. At least I can try and shake off the guilt a little. I’ve tried.

I don’t know what my next steps are. For now, I’ve told my manager and I’m waiting on HR. What is next though, I really don’t know.

4 Responses

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  1. Your experience with your GP sounds so much like how I have felt over time… at least she picked up on how it might be the medication responsible for your agitated state, that’s something.

    Good luck with your new GP, two weeks will soon past! I saw a new GP at my surgery, he was young (and good looking!) and he really cared and put me at ease, I was just getting use to him when he left for another surgery and is now working over the other side of town at my friends surgery! His replacement is okay though…

    As for your partner, I have struggled to get my parents to understand, especially my mother who is strong as an ox despite her illness and thinks depression is all in the mind! I was very good at hiding how I was for years and whilst she always called me a moody cow she never truly knew the full extent of what I was experiencing!

    You just have to take it one day at a time…


    Tuesday, 5th August 2008 at 9:07 pm

  2. I’m glad you managed to get some of what you needed o say out there anyway, hope things will be better with the other doc. As for your partner, i think any people who have had no experience of depression or anything along those lines struggle o grasp what it is and how hard to live with it an be, it’s proably going to take time for it to get through.
    And hopefully some additional time away from the office will help – 2 weeks will go quicker than you think, Alison’s right. Look after yourself

    The Chuckle

    Wednesday, 6th August 2008 at 10:26 am

  3. Alison:

    whilst she always called me a moody cow she never truly knew the full extent of what I was experiencing

    This could so easily apply to me, from both my mother and my partner.

    As for doctors – I hope the new one is okay too.

    Thanks. I hope so too.


    Wednesday, 6th August 2008 at 12:35 pm

  4. Sorry thing’s are so bad right now. I always tend to feel patronised when seeing any medical sorts. Take the response I got from my psych when I told her about the bloke who was sitting in my room who in hindsight didn’t exist. “Trick of the light”. Well I guess that’s the answer for everything. Especially when your wrists open up on their own and your bath momentarily turns red. Yes trick of the light. Great light show that was!

    Take care x


    Thursday, 7th August 2008 at 12:59 am

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