Into the system…

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Quiet…

with 2 comments

It’s still quiet in the blogosphere. I’m not really feeling in the mood to write much myself and it seems I’m not the only one.

Last night I had a bit of a scare. My dad emailed me at work and of course my out of office is on. He saw it and questioned what it said (That I am out of the office until further notice!). F*ck! He put me on the spot so I kinda mumbled some excuse about sticking the out of office on so that I didn’t get bothered and could focus on some important work, but I’m not sure he bought it. I hate lying to him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I know I should really have taken that opportunity to be honest, but I was just too scared. Sadly, this exchange only served to make me confused, stressed and agitated, worrying endlessly about the repercussions of people knowing and the fact I don’t think I can be honest with my family ever. I struggled most of the night with recurrent thoughts that it would be just easier to not be here. The usual I guess.

Not only was that conversation still on my mind, but I was fidgety again and unable to sleep. In the end, my other half kicked me out of the bed and sent me downstairs to take my energy out on the Wii. So I was in my living room, playing Mario and Sonic at the Olympics at 2am! It didn’t really help much unfortunately, so I spent the next few hours staring out of the window again. I’m getting fed up of it. I have no idea why I seem to acquire a ton of agitated energy at 11pm every day. I guess I do need to do more in the day and try and tire myself out, but I just feel sick all the time!

This morning, I got an appointment letter through for another occupational health assessment. It’s a different doctor and this time I can’t find anything out about him, which I find a little scary. Usually when you google a doctor or surgery you can at least find out what their specialism is or something. The appointment isn’t until September either! Much longer to wait compared to last time and it scares me to think that I can’t imagine making it through the next four weeks. I find it hard to think ahead a few days, let alone a few weeks.

Today has been another mixed day. Started feeling low, followed by a short period of feeling fairly up and cheery, followed by a quick change to miserable and now headed towards agitation again. All accompanied by nausea, although it seemed a bit better during the “up” periods – probably why I was feeling okay!! The thing is, it feels like this is never going to get better. The intrusive thoughts are there pretty much constantly, even in the more up periods and I just feel physically “bleh” all the time. I’m not struggling with the real extremes of my mood, but I’m finding this constant fluctuation between varying degrees of crapness or agitation equally difficult. It somehow feels like I’ll never be able to cope with normal life again. I’m not even sure I can remember what “normal” life felt like.

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 13th August 2008 at 4:45 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one that googles their doctors! I always at least check every clinician I see has their professional registration. I like to know if my psychiatrists/psychologists have been published, too. It seriously freaks them out when I tell them this!

    P.S. You can probably look your o/h doctor up on http://www.gmc-uk.org

    Megan (inthemargins)

    Wednesday, 13th August 2008 at 6:55 pm

  2. I’m finding this constant fluctuation between varying degrees of crapness or agitation equally difficult.

    Yeah, my episode at Christmas time (I hate saying “episode” like that, I guess because it reminds me I’m ill) was like that. I varied between deep depression and agitated depression on about a three day cycle, and words really can’t express how awful it was.

    As for “normal life”… I swear it all must be a conspiracy. And I definately can’t remember what normal life is like.

    Chouette

    Wednesday, 13th August 2008 at 9:51 pm


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