Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

my last post…

So, I’ve been quiet since I’ve been found. Obviously the last few days have not been easy. We’ve had some honest discussions and some long arguments. I think we are working through things and I think things will get better.

For those of you that have been concerned. Thank you. I am okay.

This will be my last post. After much arguing, I’ve agreed I’m going to stay away from the blogosphere. I am not sure if this is the right thing for me, but I think it’s the right thing for my relationship. I can’t keep hiding things from him and as much as I hated it before, I certainly couldn’t do it now.

I do understand his reasons for his request for me to stop. I think he resents the fact I’ve found it easier to write to an audience of strangers than I have to talk to him. He obviously hates the fact that I have lied to him and kept all of this from him, even after I’d told him I was going to be more honest. I hated lying to him too, but I don’t think this blog would have been open if I hadn’t kept it from him. It does make our relationship difficult though. I know we need to trust each other and all these secrets have made that very hard.

He tells me he doesn’t want this illness to become part of my identity. I didn’t want that either and it is the reason I remained anonymous, but I think he is worried that by focussing on my depression and indulging in this blog I’m possibly making it part of my identity and almost holding onto the illness. I don’t think I have been, but I can see why he may worry or think that.

He worries that by reading other blogs and talking to other people that have experienced depression I will find it harder to get over it or recover. I’m not sure this is true either. I have found your support, advice and experience valuable. When I have thought that I won’t get through this, reading about those of you who are recovering helps. When I have worried about medication and treatment, reading your experiences and advice has been helpful. Just knowing that you understand what some of this feels like can make it seem easier, as it really can feel that no one understands.

Anyway, this is my last post. I will leave the blog there, but I am going to resist the urge to sign in and am going to step away from the blogosphere. I know I am going to find it hard, but I want to prove to my partner that I am doing everything I can to get better, because I know if I don’t, we’ll struggle to keep going and I don’t want that.

To everyone that has ever commented on here. Thanks and take care. I hope you all continue to find your blogs helpful and that you do all recover from this, or at least learn to live with it.

My self-control is lacking, to the extent my partner has changed the password on my intothesystem email account to stop me from breaking my promise. It makes me sick that it comes to this, but it has, so please don’t email me there. Comments are also disabled on this post.

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 18th August 2008 at 12:06 pm

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