Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

August – November: Up to now…

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I know I’ve been pretty quiet since I returned to the blogosphere, but I’ve generally been pretty busy with day care and when I haven’t been, I’ve been too ill to write or busy working on therapy homework. Or at least pretending to be busy working on therapy homework.

One of my therapy groups is something called Life Maps. For this session we have to create a “map” of our lives to date, highlighting key dates, events and people from our life story. We can do this however we wish, such as a big timeline, bubble charts or just written as prose, as long as we can use it to explain our story. During the sessions we look at an area of our map and by talking though our story, we can look at the key events that have shaped us and also keep an eye out for repeated behaviour and issues which may or may not have contributed to the development of our illnesses.

Simple right? Haha!! It is hard work. I have barely started to go through things and everything I’ve covered so far seems pointless and unrelated, except the info from the last couple of months. I feel guilty for my lack of progress. I need to look at my teenage years, but I am struggling. My concentration is shot to pieces due to medication and illness and my memory is terrible, so trying to recall events of the past 22 years is not easy. Problem is, I know I can’t use that as an excuse. Everyone else is in the same boat. My perfectionism also haunts me and makes it difficult for me to put things to paper, for fear of it not being right, but I know I need to fight this. I hate that I am not making the most of the therapy offered to me, but I am just not well enough. I know the therapy coordinator was worried I wouldn’t be up to it, but I want to prove him wrong. Problem is, I’m failing so far.

Anyway, I explained how Life Maps works because I decided to try and kill two birds with one stone and type up a potted history of events since I left the blogosphere, covering my path to hospital and beyond.

It has been a crazy few months. This doesn’t really begin to cover half of it, despite the amount of detail I’ve included. I just couldn’t explain how it’s felt to go through all this. It’s been a whirlwind. The future is still hazy. I am still unwell and still waiting for answers. I hate that despite all this, things really haven’t changed all that much since August, when I was last blogging. I just hope that things start to change soon, as I don’t know how much more I can go through before I break.

I’ve decided to do this as a series of posts as it is really long and unwieldy. Below, you can see a number of titles linked to the other posts. I hope this works out okay.

EDIT:– Why are trackbacks so unreliable? If you make a post with lots of links they don’t all ping at the same time. Usually only the first link pings. You then have to keep editing and saving the post until they all work. Stupid thing!

August/September: New GP, New Meds…

September 9th: The Bridge…

September: Caffeine Crisis…

September/October: Meet the Shrink…

October 4th: Tell the parents…

October 7th: Into the hospital…

November 4th: Out of the hospital…

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