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November 4th: Out of the hospital…

with 4 comments

On November 4th, the 28 day limit on inpatient care was reached with my insurance, so I was to be discharged. I had spent the days prior to my discharge panicking about it, knowing I was no better than I was when I was admitted and worrying that I wouldn’t be safe. I did not want to be discharged. I felt safe on the ward and needed the support. It felt like my safety net was being whipped away before I was ready. I couldn’t comprehend life outside of the ward. It was too scary and daunting.

It was clear I wasn’t ready to leave and Dr G said she’d have ideally kept me in for a few more weeks, but it wasn’t to be. When ward round came around that morning, I was in a state. I couldn’t think straight, was shaking and could barely talk. Her words washed over me and I couldn’t comprehend leaving. I was disappointed that she didn’t seem to acknowledge my fear. I know she told me about what support was available to me afterwards, but it didn’t feel like enough to calm my fears. I was terrified.

Later, I met with the therapy coordinator, J and this was a big help in preparing me to leave. He managed to calm me down a little and helped me to accept that I would be leaving. We looked at the options for day care and talked about the things I could do to get extra support on the outside. Eventually we settled on a programme and I had time to pack and get ready to leave before my last therapy session.

I was sad about leaving. Although most people that I had made friends with had been discharged ahead of me, there were still people I knew I’d miss when I left. I didn’t really want to say goodbyes, so it was kinda convenient that my departure coincided with dinner and everyone was in the restaurant. We took my stuff through to the car and then I got ready to go.

It was very weird being free to leave, after spending the previous four weeks being escorted everywhere by a nurse. I had taken some leave whilst I was on the ward, so it wasn’t a completely new phenomena, but it was still quite strange. It left me in a daze and this was kinda how it felt for the next few days really. It’s weird when being at home feels like a strange experience, but that was how it was. I’m still getting used to it really.

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 17th November 2008 at 7:42 pm

4 Responses

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  1. […] November 4th: Out of the hospital… […]

  2. Hi, I hadn’t realised you were blogging again. I’ve just read over your hospital admission account, it sounds as if you found it beneficial. *hugs*.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 19th November 2008 at 1:23 am

  3. Hope you’re doing well now. x

  4. I didn’t realise you had come back to the land of blogging and so I’ve just spent some time catching up with what has been happening and I shocked to see what you have been going through…

    I was eventually diagnosed with BPD in October at the hospital and whilst I was expecting it I am feeling somewhat down and annoyed over it now weeks on, like I am labelled with something I don’t even understand despite trying.

    I am stunned to see how you where treated in A&E and also by the crisis team, it’s the one reason I won’t call them I’ve heard so many stories. I did call them a few weeks ago but it got me nowhere and made me feel worse.

    I am glad to see you got some help privately; sometimes health insurance is worth its weight in gold. A friend of mine was recently in the Priory for a couple of weeks an arranged stay with them for the second time. Going off your dates I think perhaps you where there at the same time, female and her name begins with L :)

    I hope you continue to get better, it’s always slow progress with any mental illness but you just have to take it one day at a time. It’s good to see you have been honest with your family and your other half. I’ve also gone down that route by telling my parents of my diagnosis and it kind of makes it easier for me to deal with it (I think!)

    Take care of yourself…



    Wednesday, 19th November 2008 at 11:35 pm

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