Into the system…

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with 5 comments

So since I’ve returned to blogging I haven’t actually had that much time to write about how I’m actually feeling at the moment. I’ve caught up on the past, but not looked at the present, let alone the future.

I’m currently frustrated and agitated. This has basically been the case on and off all week and I’m not sure how I feel about it really. It feels like I’m on edge and it could go either way. I could either become more and more hyper or I will drop off a cliff fairly soon. Neither option particularly appeals, as I suspect any hypomania would be of the dysphoric form. The experience that is a mixed mood is one I am frequently familiar with these days, but not one I enjoy that much. As Seaneen describes it, it’s a particular form of hell. Alternatively, the falling off a cliff is not much fun either and I’d rather not go there if I can!

I saw Dr G yesterday. This is the primary cause of my current frustration. I wrote to her, as I’ve felt that I’ve not been getting anywhere lately trying to talk. I asked about diagnosis again, but she was fairly evasive. She talked about how I had various issues, primarily that of a mood disorder, but there were other things at play. She mentioned the question over a personality disorder diagnosis and was quite vague about this. She said that although personality disorders are one of her specialties (especially Borderline PD) she is reluctant to apply the label of a personality disorder on anyone for various reasons. Mainly she said that it is such a misunderstood label and can often be bandied around to avoid giving treatment. I don’t know if that means she does think it could be applied to me or not. I couldn’t really tell from what she said and I suspect she is still not sure.

I also tried to discuss the best treatment options for me going forward. I explained that I didn’t feel I was making much progress, if any, and that I was frustrated by this. She seemed to think I was making progress, but that it was going to be slow. In terms of therapy, she didn’t think there was much else that we could do. She seemed confident that it will help me to manage my condition and will make a positive difference. So far I’ve not been so convinced. I want it to work and I want it to help, but I just don’t know if it is. In some cases I’ve been using many of the techniques for years to manage my condition, but I’ve just not been able to keep it up over the past few months. These skills just aren’t working anymore and it makes me feel like a failure for not feeling the benefit. CBT frustrates me, because as much as I try to counteract the negative thoughts with evidence, rational thinking and the rest, it doesn’t work. There is still this inner commentary counteracting everything I do, telling me it is all pointless and that I am wrong. I don’t know how to stop it. I sometimes wonder if I am just too ill for therapy at the moment. A lot of the time I just feel like I cannot engage and make the most of it. I don’t know when or how that is going to change.

She also went over my meds. She wanted to put up the Venlafaxine, but decided it was probably not a good idea due to agitation I had been experiencing. She’s going to review in about ten days, but said she may put it up then if I’m not feeling much improvement. We also moved all the quetiapine to a night dose, so I’m now on 225mg Venlafaxine in the morning and 350mg quetiapine at night. I am not sure how I feel about the quetiapine. I suspect without it I’d be sky high or unbearably agitated, yet I hate the numbing feeling it leaves me with a lot of the time. I just feel fuzzy, foggy and empty a lot of the time, but maybe that’s not the quetiapine at all. Maybe that is just how I am at the moment. I don’t know.

I left her office feeling extremely frustrated and even more agitated. I didn’t know what to say. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. She is still avoiding the question of diagnosis and is still telling me to be patient and keep trying. This was not the answers I was looking for. I had gone in there with my notes, hoping that I’d get some answers to my questions, but the reality is I left with the same questions I entered with and a feeling that she isn’t really listening. I don’t know if that is really the case, or if she is just powerless to help. She doesn’t think there’s much else we can do at the moment. She tells me there are no guarantees, but she hopes that I will get there slowly with the right medication, right therapy and enough will power and patience to stick at it. I don’t know how I am going to find the will. I just feel that I am battling and battling and not getting anywhere. Every step forward is followed by two steps back. I didn’t really know how to tell her I am so close to giving up. I cannot handle the waiting and uncertainty much longer. I can’t handle feeling like this much longer. I don’t really see where I am going with this and don’t see any way out. It feels like I’m never going to get anywhere, I’m never going to get better, I’m never going to understand this illness, I’m never going to be able to really talk to people, I’m never going to just be happy and content, I’m never going to win against the negative thoughts, I’m never going to want to live, let alone know how to handle it. I know that sounds awfully defeatist and pessimistic, but I’m being driven that way by illness, frustration and constant disappointment. I just don’t know what else I can do.

Today I saw Dr N, my GP. As always it was nice to see him, but it’s more of the same really. He was concerned by the agitation, but was convinced the venlafaxine is to blame. He didn’t really know what to say. He said he felt pretty impotent at the moment and it’s true. There’s nothing he can do whilst Dr G is managing my medication. He suggested it might be worth adjusting my meds, but we have to wait and see what Dr G says. He just tried to be encouraging, telling me to try and distract myself and channel the agitation and to just stick with it. I don’t really know what to say to him anymore. He just tells me week after week that there’s no easy solution, but hopefully we’ll get there eventually. I feel like I’m letting him down by not getting better. I feel that I’m letting everyone down.

I think I’m on the edge. The edge of this mood, the edge of reason, the edge of life? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do anymore and don’t see where this is all leading.

5 Responses

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  1. Some docs think diagnostic labels are a load of toss anyway as the same drugs are used for pretty much everything, and prefer to see what works for you.

    The med merry go round unfortunately can take ages. But it did work for me – I went back to work for nearly 10 days…

    Tell your doctor if you feel you can’t go on or want to give up. They will be used to hearing it and its important they know you feel that way.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Friday, 21st November 2008 at 1:19 am

  2. And *hugs*. I know how shit this is.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Friday, 21st November 2008 at 1:20 am

  3. Wow you’re back – and thanks for the comment BTW. Therapy is a slow burner – months and/or years unfortunately but I hink it does make a difference – it seems to be nothing for ages then little change then back to nothing. Although a lot of he time i find myself doubting it u sometimes look back and realise it’s made a difference here and there – really hope things start to click into place for us soon, take care x

    The Chuckle

    Friday, 21st November 2008 at 8:07 am

  4. OK, I’m all caught up! Lots of thoughts, too many to put down all at once. I’ll just say hope things start to get better for you soon xx


    Sunday, 23rd November 2008 at 11:39 pm

  5. Dee – Thanks. I am just having to wait and see I guess.

    Chuckle – it’s good to have you back too. I hope therapy starts to help soon. I know what you mean by a little bit of change coming when you don’t really expect it.

    La – Thanks. I’d be interested to know what your thoughts are, but up to you. Take care. x


    Tuesday, 25th November 2008 at 5:52 pm

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