Into the system…

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Mumbai Shootings…

with 6 comments

I heard the news on the radio this morning as I was still half asleep. My partner’s alarm talked of Mumbai and shootings. I then proceeded to dream (?! I’m not sure I was dreaming, it was that half-state between wakefulness and sleep where your mind can wander and take a life of its own) firstly about contacting the people I know in Mumbai to check they were okay and then about being in a hotel as a hostage. When I returned to the real world and woke up, I couldn’t remember if the texts I sent when dreaming had really been sent. They need to be, but I don’t think they have yet.

I can’t believe what’s going on. I think it’s almost guaranteed that someone from my company would be in one of those hotels and no doubt many of our offshore colleagues were passing through the station. My last project had about 600 staff in Mumbai and I worked closely with some of them (well as closely as you can when there are 4500 miles between you). I hope everyone I know is okay. I hope everyone I don’t know is okay, but it’s clear from the news that isn’t the case. I’m still waiting for my company to send out an email about the events. I am sure they are busy trying to establish if all of our staff our okay, but I am surprised they haven’t sent out anything yet. It is hard not knowing anything.

It’s weird though. This news has kinda snapped my focus away from myself for a little while. I was really low last night and I am still shaky, but I am concerned about others and not myself right this moment. If I do think about how I am, I realise that I’m not that good, but it seems insignificant.

The reality is, the insomnia is pretty much back. I do get a couple drug induced hours of sleep and then wake up and stay awake for hours in the middle of the night. My appetite is waning again. I didn’t eat much yesterday. I wanted to hurt myself last night, but was unable to with my partner around. I don’t think I want to right at this moment. I’m still indifferent to life. I still see no point and I still feel like I am just carrying on for the sake of existing, but I don’t know what else to do right now. Suicide is still there, it’s still a fixation a lot of the time, but I am trying to hold on. I don’t know what I’m holding on for, but at the moment I think I should. We will see.

I am worried about my partner. I think he is on the verge of giving up on me. He only wants me fixed and as I’m not fixing I don’t think he knows what to do. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 27th November 2008 at 11:26 am

6 Responses

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  1. When I first became very depressed, I had a lot of problems with my partner too. What worked for us is that he had a session with a psychologist (we paid privately for that), to talk about how he felt about the whole thing, and get advice on how to deal with me. Just one session, but it seemed to make a lot of difference for him, helped him to figure out some ways to cope with my being ill.


    Thursday, 27th November 2008 at 12:51 pm

  2. I think Rachel’s suggestion is a really good one – I’m lucky(?) in that we’re both in therapy so both know what’s going on – if you have no experience it’s just fear of something you know nothing about, which is never going to get better without some explanation of what’s going on. Hope you get some +ve news soon!

    The Chuckle

    Thursday, 27th November 2008 at 6:20 pm

  3. I am going through a non sleeping phase as well, I just can’t switch off to sleep and I am debating going to see my GP for some more Zopliclone but I am scared of asking…


    Thursday, 27th November 2008 at 10:42 pm

  4. Rachel & Chuckle – Thanks. It has been suggested I get my consultant to meet with my other half. I’m a bit scared at the prospect so haven’t done it, but they run a relatives group at the hospital that I am going to try and get him to.

    Alison – I saw you did get some more zopi. I hate the stuff so refuse to ask for that. I don’t know if some diaz might help as I took that when an inpatient occasionally when forced to, but I don’t want to go down the benzo addiction route really either. I think I have to be content with a lack of sleep.


    Friday, 28th November 2008 at 6:25 pm

  5. One of my co-workers’ cousins and cousin’s wife were murdered by the gunmen around the station.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 8:59 pm

  6. Dee – I’m sorry to hear that. It turns out that everyone from my company has been accounted for, although it took a long time to establish that. It’s shaken everyone though. My close co-worker in Mumbai spent 3 days in her flat, too scared to go out. I’m just glad she was okay.


    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 10:08 pm

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