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Medi-go-up and one-to-ones…

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My Quetiapine (Seroquel) dosage is going up to 400mg. It seems like a lot for someone who is being prescribed off-label and doesn’t have a diagnostic label to match, but nevermind. I saw my consultant again today. It was better than recent visits, perhaps because she has changed something rather than just asking me to wait and be patient, but it is still difficult. I go into my appointments shaking. I seem to lose my tongue and forget what I wanted or needed to say. I forgot to bring up the fact my eyesight has been bad lately and I am still not able to drive, despite knowing I had to. I will have to try and catch her at some point before the Christmas break, but I do not know if she will be in on Friday. She often takes it off.

Anyway, the other revelation of today is that I am being referred for one-to-one therapy at last. I am apprehensive, as I do not know what I am expected to use the therapy for. A few weeks ago, one-to-ones were discussed and it was decided that I wasn’t well enough yet and didn’t really have any key issues that were going to be possible to tackle in one-to-ones. Since then, nothing seems to have changed. I have no idea what I should talk about. I go into group sessions and have no idea what to tackle each week, but I can’t ask for the spotlight to skip to the next person in one-to-ones. I still do not have any answers or even the right questions. I just don’t know where to start. I am lost in this quagmire of shifting moods and negative thoughts. I am still struggling to see much further ahead than the next few hours and I’m still uncertain of what the future brings. I am still depressed more often than anything else and I am still frustrated and agitated. I feel like I am staring at brick walls in all directions and I don’t know which way to turn or how to break through them. I am glad that I am being referred to the therapist that I did my life maps with. I trust her and she seems to understand my frustration and confusion. She understands that I feel trapped in this limbo, not knowing where my diagnosis lies or how to fix the problem. The only problem with this is, I also know she doesn’t know how to fix the problem, so I am unsure of how much use an hour a week with her will be.

I am scared of therapy. It can bring up more things than it solves and it is hard work. I know I need to put the work in if I want to get better and I can’t just wait for medication to do it’s magic, but it is still daunting. Therapy seems to just drag up all these things and makes you question everything. It leaves you sitting in a mess of confusion and not knowing where to start or how to solve it. I don’t know where to begin untying all the mess.

I think most of all I am left feeling frustrated. I am worried that treatment will never work. I only feel that I am more and more confused and the fact that I am doing all the things I am told I need to do to get better and it is not making any bloody difference only adds to the desperation I feel. WHY AM I NOT BETTER!?! IS IT ALL MY FAULT?! WHEN WILL IT BLOODY WORK?!?!!!! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?! ARRGHHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!

You get the idea.


8 Responses

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  1. Perhaps kicking things around with a therapist will unearth some questions? I think the one thing I can say with therapy is that for me it’s made me realise how long things have been bubbling away under the surface for – that if there’s any one ‘thing’ that kicked the problems off it probably wasn’t recent. Not sure if that’s any help -but I hope the 1-1 works for u – stay safe

    The Chuckle

    Tuesday, 16th December 2008 at 9:36 pm

  2. Chuckle – Thanks. I hope it will help too. I guess we shall see. I trust the therapist I am likely to be seeing, which is something. I actually see her next Tuesday for a quick catch up anyway as she’s my key worker, so I guess I will see what her thoughts are then.


    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 1:24 pm

  3. Trust between you and your therapist is oh-so very important. Some go through many before finding one they can even sit with comfortably.

    And you’re very right about a few things. It’s hard work. Solutions are probably not known right now. And an hour a week is A LOT. When I was in therapy, I went twice a week for a few months and they were exhausting. Too much. Remember that while it might be an hour of sitting together time, there is also work that should come out of it for you (and them) for the other time in the week.

    Oh, and one more comment. What you said about “sitting in a mess of confusion…” really resonated with me. I remember that. For me, it became about being able to sit in that (figurative) mess and just BE with it. That was always the hardest part.

    Anyways, I hope it goes well for you. It’s long work, but it’s very worth it in the end. Very.


    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 7:13 pm

  4. I know exactly how you feel. I think, I’m doing all the ‘right things’, why am I not getting better like I’m supposed to?

    But then, maybe I am.

    My first crisis was at your age and I spent 2 years in and out of hospital. But I have a happy marriage and successful career in the City (ahem, so far!) now. Things have gotten gradually better for me as I age, although they aren’t fully ok by any means – but unless you’ve been a loon from age 10 like me that’s unlikely to become a problem for you…

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 8:54 pm

  5. btw have been off on hols for 3 weeks, not ignoring you…

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 8:55 pm

  6. antiSWer – Thanks. You obviously know what therapy can be like. I just hope it gets there in the end.

    Dee – Thanks. I knew you were on holiday. I hope you had a lovely time. I’ve been a loon for a lot longer than I’d like to admit, but I don’t know. I just can’t see anything more than me being in and out of hospital as you say. It’s scary.


    Wednesday, 17th December 2008 at 10:06 pm

  7. I hope the therapy is helpful for you. I definatly found the various forms of talking therapy with CAMHS were good once I had begun to trust my social worker, and know the kind of things you can let on, and the others that you cannot. Hannah X


    Thursday, 18th December 2008 at 12:49 am

  8. I hope also the therapy works for you, it is hard I’ve found that but five months into it and I see a difference!


    Thursday, 18th December 2008 at 8:03 pm

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