Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Two Thousand and Nine…

with 7 comments

In about an hour the clock will roll around to midnight and it will be the start of a new year. It will be 2009. I am not sure I want to see it, but I am too late to change that now. I am trying to be hopeful that 2009 will be better than 2008. I am trying to see the positives. I have survived 2008. I am not sure I am glad about this. I know I should be, but I am not sure I feel it in my bones. I’m not sure I feel it in my heart.

I should be glad to see the back of 2008, but all I feel is dread for 2009. Dread for the future. Dread of this endless depression and pointless battle. Pointless existence. I don’t want to keep putting up with this life. I don’t want a new year if it is not going to bring about a new me, a new life, new hope. I have no hope.

I hate how fatalistic this sounds. I hate how pessimistic I have become. I hate how depression has made me. I hate it all.

I will see 2009. I will keep going. I just don’t want to.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 12:08 am

7 Responses

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  1. Congrats on making it to 2009! (even if you don’t quite agree atm). Happy New Year :) x

    Chouette

    Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 3:18 am

  2. You know I agree with you feeling the same. I retired to bed at 10pm and didn’t wake till 4am, then went back to bed till 9am… it doesn’t feel like new year’s day… no family meal planned with mum being in hospital and dad mithering that we eat together for the sake of tradition, so it’s pizza hut collection after hospital visiting, how exciting…

    Like you I seem to be on auto pilot to keep going, to keep trying and to keep pleasing others, but I don’t want to be here…

    Take care of yourself, who knows maybe we’ll see changes and feel better this year! Best wishes Alison x

    Alison

    Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 11:08 am

  3. Well done on making it, new year (with a happy in front if you want it, I just can’t quite bring myself to write it the way it should be!)
    xx

    Kate

    Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 7:23 pm

  4. Chou – thanks. Well done to you too. I’m glad the tally is allowing you to say happy!

    Alison – I really admire you and the way you are keeping going. You have a lot more to handle than I have. I hope things pick up for both of us. haha. The game my partner is playing just said “Survival is overrated. You’ve got to live a little”. Funny that. I wish I could.

    Kate – thanks. I know what you mean about the “happy”. I’ve not bothered wishing anyone a happy new year really. I just don’t feel it.

    intothesystem

    Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 10:58 pm

  5. I’m with Kate on this one. “Happier” New Year. Lets hope 2009 is a better one all round.

    Lola x

    Lola Snow

    Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 11:55 pm

  6. Depression causes one to feel there is no hope, as DH keeps reminding me when I see things in bleak terms…

    DeeDee Ramona

    Friday, 2nd January 2009 at 8:29 pm

  7. Well done on making it through the new year. And I hope that 2009 brings you better things, thank you for all your supportive comments last year. Happy blogging, happy new year, Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Saturday, 3rd January 2009 at 2:24 pm


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