Into the system…

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Slipping Back…

with 7 comments

I realise now that a month ago, I was better than I thought I was. I thought there was no progress and I wasn’t getting any better, but now I realise it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I was still low and the agitation was a problem, but I was coping then. The improvement on previous months was subtle, but it was there. I just didn’t really know how to see it. When you are depressed it is hard to see the positive amongst all the dark fog.

Now though, I can see. I am worse now. The juxtaposition between now and then makes it clearer. The upheaval of Christmas and New Year has done nothing for my mood. The endless charade of being okay and happy during the festivities is wearing and I’m tired. I find the blackness working its way through my mind and mood. The negative thoughts are relentless. There is a whole army of ants crawling around in there. I don’t have any ant powder. I have been existing for the sake of it for months now and I don’t know why I am still holding on. I keep trying to, but it is getting harder again. I do it for everyone else, not for myself. It is all just wearing. I am still wearing the mask.

I saw my consultant today. That was wearing in itself. I told her this. I told her that I was doing better than I realised, but now I am doing worse. I told her that I can feel myself slipping back and not having the energy to fight. She just said that this will leave me stuck in depression. She didn’t tell me how to stop myself or give me a hand to pull me back up. She just said that dips happen and I just have to keep fighting. I felt like she hadn’t listened and I found that hard. She has done nothing and said nothing today and I don’t know why I bothered to try and tell her how I feel. I am to stick on the same meds and she will review before I go away on holiday. I felt annoyed by her and maybe even let down. I don’t really know.

I am frustrated with myself that I have slipped back. I wonder if it is my fault. My fault for not realising things were improving. My fault for not making the most of that little improvement. My fault for not having faith. My fault for being this way. I doubt myself all the time and I’m punitive. I will wear myself down and beat myself up. I worry over everything. I question everything.

I think Dr G made a mistake today in the way she said that I may be trapping myself in my depression. I don’t know if she meant well or not, but it has upset me and annoyed me. It has not done anything to help me, only make me question myself more. I do not know why I have slipped back. I did not intend to slip back. It has just happened and I need a help out of it, not a knock down back into it. I hope things improve. At the moment it feels as if she is not supporting me or helping me. It almost feels as if she has lost the respect she used to hold for me. It feels unbalanced now. I am scared of her and uncomfortable about seeing her.

I don’t know what is next. I am always looking for answers. I don’t have any and don’t know where I can find them. I want to know when I will get better. I want to know when things will pick up. I want to know that they will pick up. I am looking for questions too. It is hard to find answers when you don’t have the questions. I don’t know what I should be asking of myself. I don’t know what I should be asking of my doctors. I don’t know anything any more. I find it frustrating.

Dr G wants to review before my holiday this month. Then she said we need to think about the future and planning beyond that. I am scared of the future. I am not sure I want a future. I am just trying not to think about it at the moment.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 6th January 2009 at 6:08 pm

7 Responses

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  1. I can relate to the feeling of not being listened to all too well. Eventually they’ll say something to indicate they are but it won’t be when you need it most I guess. Please take care xx


    Tuesday, 6th January 2009 at 8:42 pm

  2. Hi, Ok so I don’t know your entire situation, and please excuse me if this comment is dripping in sarcasm towards people who say helpful things like “you are trapping yourself in your depression” but hello? Gee yeah it’s so fun I’m sure you are intentionally hanging on to feeling crap day in and day out….Maybe that isn’t what they meant to imply, but if they are going to lay that sort of card, then they should really explain why they are saying it, and what action you need to take to “Untrap” yourself. Otherwise it’s just unhelpful commentary isn’t it?

    Personally I’ve never been much of a fan of the positive think yourself out of your depression theory. Give me the drugs, and i’ll work on my attitude afterwards, but until then we all trap ourselves into a depression. Negative thinking breeds negative thinking, but until you get a jump start it seems pretty unhelpful just to describe the water you are drowning in

    Lola x

    Lola Snow

    Wednesday, 7th January 2009 at 7:49 am

  3. Yeah, I think it’s clear your current medication (Tally?) isn’t working, and something else should be tried. Did the consultant even discuss changing medications?


    Wednesday, 7th January 2009 at 5:16 pm

  4. Dr G may have simply meant that depression can be self-generating; bad choice of words, obviously. Incidentally, Dr Grimshaw is the name of the psychiatrist in my novel, Writing Therapy – a fictional version of my own battles with depression!

    Tim Atkinson

    Thursday, 8th January 2009 at 3:04 pm

  5. Hello, I think going through the feeling of not thinking the doctor is not helping is perfectly normal for anyone depressed… it passes, and hopefully for your next appointment later this month things will improve and maybe you’ll come out hoping and feeling like you gained more out of the visit.

    Take care of yourself x


    Thursday, 8th January 2009 at 5:45 pm

  6. Is there any way that you can find another doctor and stop going to the one you are going to? She doesn’t sound very helpful AT ALL and if you feel uncomfortable I don’t think it will be very beneficial for you to go.

    I hope that you get better soon. You aren’t alone.


    Chunks of Reality

    Sunday, 11th January 2009 at 8:54 am

  7. I agree with what everyone else has said – doctors, therapists etc often think they’re giving helpful suggestions when in fact it comes across as more of an accusation – don’t let it stick, cos it’s crap. Also don’t think about the future, it’s a scary place cos it’s unknown – just try to be where you are (god that sounds pat but u know what I mean!!). Anyway, take care of yourself and don’t let Dr G get to u

    The Chuckle

    Friday, 16th January 2009 at 3:14 pm

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