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Archive for March 2009

Don't know what to say…

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I haven’t had the motivation to blog in the last few days. I just don’t know what to do or say.

Yesterday, I saw David Ford play a gig in a church in Salford. It was a good gig. It reminded me of my easyworld days. I had to take a few hours leave from The Priory. We were late getting back and the staff were worried about me. It was worth it though. I told him where I should have been which was weird but he was nice about it. Half of Dav’s songs are about depression anyway!

Aside from that not much has been happening. I had my last ECT for a while yesterday. I ended up bleeding everywhere because my canula came out again. My veins are crap.

I’m just rambling now about crap. I’ll do a proper post soon.

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Saturday, 28th March 2009 at 10:46 am

Restless…

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I’m still so restless and fed up. I feel really crap again tonight. My hip is painful, my wrist is painful and my head is painful. My mood is in my boots and I just wish I could sleep forever. Instead, I’m irritable and agitated. Unable to keep still. Nightmare. When will they fix this mood?! It’s driving me mad. Bah!

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Sunday, 22nd March 2009 at 10:36 pm

Short-lived Up…

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After ECT today, I’ve had a bit of a short period of up-ness. I am exhausted now though so the diazepam has come out to settle any restlessness and hopefully allow me to sleep. I woke up about 3.30 am last night which really hasn’t helped things.

Today, has been okay though. My mood has been lifted by the nice weather and the ECT. I’ve had a splitting headache all day but have been talkative and a little restless. I wish my mood would hit normal though. All this up and down is so frustrating!

Anyway. Hopefully this diazepam will kick in soon. I’m worried I am going to end up addicted but it’s the only thing that actually works. Zopiclone is evil and makes me psychotic. My quetiapine dose is being reduced and even at 400mg it didn’t really sedate me. I can’t have phenergan after my OD and promazine doesn’t work at all. I just wished something would! Must get Dr G to sort something out.

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Friday, 20th March 2009 at 11:14 pm

Is it helping…?

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I’m fed up of people asking me if I think the ECT is helping. I really don’t think it is yet, but I hope that it will eventually. I keep being asked if I think it is. Dr Shock said she thinks I’m looking brighter. I don’t feel brighter. My bloke said he thinks I’m a bit chirpier. I don’t feel chirpy. I think it is just my mask confusing matters and hiding how I really feel.

Today, we had a walk as part of our afternoon therapy session. I wouldn’t have been safe on my own. I saw a broken glass bottle and I wanted to pick up the pieces and shred my arms with it. I saw a load of holly berries and I wanted to try and eat a load and see what would happen. I just still don’t want to be here. I don’t know if I dare admit that as I’m already on high level observations and high risk level. I’m going for a meal with my parents and bloke this evening. They’ve come to the relatives support group again. I think they must have found it helpful. I just don’t know if I trust myself but I don’t want to let my family down so I’ll just have to try and be good. I don’t want to be good though.

Anyway. I need to stop writing this on my mobile. It’s making my fingers ache! Take care everyone. X

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Tuesday, 17th March 2009 at 7:10 pm

Agitated to Diazepam…

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So, I am feeling agitated this evening. I’ve spent the entire day, yawning, exhausted, struggling to keep my eyes open, head awake and in gear. Then, it becomes the evening and it is almost time for evening medication and I become agitated. So agitated, some time in the lounge, some time pacing the room or some time on the dance mat was not enough to dissipate the energy. I’ve resorted to diazepam now instead but I fear that might not be enough to calm the agitation enough for me to sleep. I’m just glad it’s not a pre-ECT evening! I hate this stupid condition. It is always working against me. Always making it harder. I just wish there were quick and easy solutions. I hate the way agitation makes me feel. So restless and on edge. All jittery. It’s horrible.

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Sunday, 15th March 2009 at 11:50 pm

Stuck…

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I’m still in The Priory and I’m feeling really stuck. I just feel numb and empty, unable to know how I feel and unable to think. I just feel rubbish.

ECT is going okay so far, but I don’t feel any better. Last Friday there was an incident with my canula and I bled everywhere! My memory remains intact. They are now using bilateral rather than unilateral and have increased my dose so they are hoping it will have some positive effect after the next session or two. I still felt no improvement after Tuesday. I wonder if I am hoping for too much. I just want to feel okay.

I saw a friend today which was nice. She brought me some magazines, grapes and some chocolate. She looked fantastic. Olanzapine has worked wonders on her. Three days and things just turned around. I wonder if I will ever get that with any medication. I wonder if I will ever find the wonder drug that fixes me.

I hope everyone is okay. I’m thinking of you all. Take care. X

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Thursday, 12th March 2009 at 5:15 pm

In for a Shock…

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I am still an inpatient and it looks like I will be for a while now as I am starting ECT tomorrow. Dr G asked me to have it last Tuesday and since then I’ve gone from wanting it, to not and back again a few times, but we’ve decided it is worth a try. Anything is worth a try when you are as low as I am at the moment. I can’t describe how difficult the last few weeks have been, just to be alive. All I have wanted is to be dead. It’s still all I really want. There is this awful, selfish part of me that hopes I don’t wake from the anesthetic tomorrow. I know that is unlikely though. I just hope for everyone else’s sake the ECT does what it is meant to. I’m past caring but I know my family are worried. Something has to change.

It’s hard to write properly typing on my phone. I wanted to blog. I need that record of things. Memory loss is a possibility and I don’t want to forget my thoughts. It’s hard though as I’ve found myself struggling to know how and what I am feeling and thinking. For possibly the first time in my life, I’ve really struggled to articulate things, not just when talking, but writing too. I’ve just not been able to get my pen to work. When usually the thoughts would just write themselves, it has been impossible. I’ve just been left staring at empty paper. I am not used to that.

Anyway. I hope everyone else is ok. I’ve heard that some of you aren’t either and that is saddening but I just hope you all hang on and stay safe. I know how hard it is. Take care. x

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Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 5:27 pm