Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

In for a Shock…

with 7 comments

I am still an inpatient and it looks like I will be for a while now as I am starting ECT tomorrow. Dr G asked me to have it last Tuesday and since then I’ve gone from wanting it, to not and back again a few times, but we’ve decided it is worth a try. Anything is worth a try when you are as low as I am at the moment. I can’t describe how difficult the last few weeks have been, just to be alive. All I have wanted is to be dead. It’s still all I really want. There is this awful, selfish part of me that hopes I don’t wake from the anesthetic tomorrow. I know that is unlikely though. I just hope for everyone else’s sake the ECT does what it is meant to. I’m past caring but I know my family are worried. Something has to change.

It’s hard to write properly typing on my phone. I wanted to blog. I need that record of things. Memory loss is a possibility and I don’t want to forget my thoughts. It’s hard though as I’ve found myself struggling to know how and what I am feeling and thinking. For possibly the first time in my life, I’ve really struggled to articulate things, not just when talking, but writing too. I’ve just not been able to get my pen to work. When usually the thoughts would just write themselves, it has been impossible. I’ve just been left staring at empty paper. I am not used to that.

Anyway. I hope everyone else is ok. I’ve heard that some of you aren’t either and that is saddening but I just hope you all hang on and stay safe. I know how hard it is. Take care. x

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 5:27 pm

7 Responses

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  1. I hope it goes ok tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you xx

    Ruby Tuesday

    Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 5:41 pm

  2. I’ll be thinking of you and have my fingers crossed that the ECT goes well. X


    Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 5:46 pm

  3. Hoping the ECT goes okay. We’ll hopefully come up to see you at the weekend. Hang in there lovely. I know how hard it is. Take care x


    Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 7:22 pm

  4. I hope tomorrow goes okay for you, I shall be thinking of you. Positive thoughts x (((hugs)))


    Tuesday, 3rd March 2009 at 12:26 am

  5. I gave you a call this evening but I guess your other half was with you… I’ll speak soon, if you text I’ve left my mobile in dad’s car – can’t get it till tomorrow morning! Doh! My head is so not on the planet now…

    Take care… x


    Wednesday, 4th March 2009 at 8:13 pm

  6. Just thinking of you. Hope the ECT has/is helping… take good care.

    Catatonic Kid

    Tuesday, 10th March 2009 at 10:18 pm

  7. […] you can get and no one knew what else to do. I wasn’t sure about having it, but at the time I wrote that anything was worth a try. I think I was so depressed I didn’t really care what happened to me. I know I secretly […]

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