Into the system…

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A Bumpy Road…

with 4 comments

An awful cliche, but it sums things up. Not only am I still all bumpy with this damn rash, but I am still struggling.

I don’t really know how I feel because I’m up and down and numb all at once. Right now, my head is fuzzy and I keep feeling very dizzy. It means I can’t really think.

I am now getting moments where I feel okay. Better than okay even. I am thinking about what I could be doing and wondering if I can get on with life. The problem is, ten minutes or two hours later, I am feeling as bad as ever again. I am suicidal and see no future at all. I am trying to control the impulses, but I find myself not wanting to. This constant swinging is frustrating as each mood undermines the other and I find myself wondering what is the point if I am going to keep having these swings. It’s just a reminder of the grim reality of this condition. This has been a problem all weekend, but I found myself just pretending everything was okay, even during the bits that it wasn’t. Damn that automatic mask!

Ward round today and it seems my NHS support is not organised or forthcoming. This scares me as my health insurance funding is being stopped in 10 weeks as I’m now diagnosed with a long term condition. Damn my new diagnosis! Aside from that, ward round was productive and I feel a bit more prepared for tomorrow’s discharge.

4 Responses

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  1. Good luck and take care x

    eccedentesiast

    Wednesday, 29th April 2009 at 5:05 pm

  2. Good luck. Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Friday, 1st May 2009 at 10:19 pm

  3. Are you sure it’s not rubella?

    DeeDee Ramona

    Saturday, 2nd May 2009 at 9:56 pm


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