Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Archive for May 2009

Nothing Changes…

with 5 comments

That’s how it feels at the moment. Everything is the same. Nothing has changed and I’m fed up of it.

I don’t know what to do with myself because everything feels pointless. I try and keep busy, but when I do it all feels meaningless and that only leads to frustration. I have enough frustration already.

I saw Dr G earlier today. I had to wait an hour as she was caught up due to an emergency. I hated every second of my wait. I get so, so nervous every time even though I’ve seen her so many times before. I just can’t seem to get over it. I sit there and feel sick and can’t sit still and it’s just horrible.

The appointment itself was fairly uneventful. She told me the CMHT have been in touch, which I guess is positive. She said that she needs to call a Dr B to discuss things and handover. As Dr N said to me the other day, I’m collecting a whole alphabet of doctors slowly. She didn’t know how long it would take for everything to get sorted out though. It could still be a while before I get some more support.

I kinda told her about Thursday, but didn’t say so in as many words. I think she got the idea, but didn’t bat an eyelid. I don’t think anything I say to her surprises her. She’s used to the constant suicidality. I wonder if there’s any point saying any of it. I am trying to be more honest about things and it doesn’t seem to help. I wonder if I’d be better off going back to playing the roles I was playing before and pretending things are okay, even though they clearly aren’t. The thing is that wasn’t working either. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Writing this blog isn’t easy any more. I can’t be truthful. The bloke always gets upset with me, whenever he reads the truth. I don’t know how to be honest and not upset people. I am still trapped.

Every time my partner reads my blog, he expresses his wish for me to stop reading other people’s blogs. He thinks that we bring each other down by writing about our depression and all being depressed together. He doesn’t understand that this community is like group therapy, only free and accessible at any point.

There really is little to tell between this blogging community and a Support Group at The Priory. There you are in a room with a number of strangers, some you may know already through therapy and others you may not, and you all talk about your current issues and moan about your depression, whilst the others chip in with comments and try to offer support. Here, we all write about things and support each other with comments, but instead of being confined to two hours at a specific time and costing hundreds of pounds, the support is available 24/7 and is completely free.

He doesn’t tell me to stop writing anymore, but he doesn’t understand that I can’t write and not read. The help I get from reading others experiences is valuable and I would feel guilty if I kept writing my blog and people commented but I could never read their blogs in return and offer my support. That just wouldn’t work. It would be all take.

He tells me it is my choice, but the problem is it feels like it’s no longer my choice. The blog doesn’t feel as helpful as it once did, now I feel I can no longer be honest. Every time that I am, I end up with a fiancé that either stops talking to me or cries at me. That’s not helpful, even if the comments I get are.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t just mean that about my blogging, but about everything. I find myself with empty days, not knowing how to fill them, because everything I could possibly do feels pointless and a waste of time when all I really want is to not be alive. I find myself thinking over new plans and strategies, but fear that none of them will work. I find myself wondering how to get myself out of this mess and as much as I try to force myself to take positive steps, I just don’t know what is worth trying. When is all of this going to change?

Another Bad Night…

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Last night was just another bad night of many recently. I couldn’t sleep, mainly because I felt physically awful, but also because there was a lot rolling around my mind. Little positive unfortunately.

Morning rolled around and I still felt terrible, so forcing myself out of bed really didn’t seem like a good idea. I just couldn’t face more therapy on top of the dizziness and stomach ache I was struggling with, so I decided not to head to The Priory today. Art Therapy this afternoon had been cancelled anyway as the therapist is away.

Afternoon arrived and I got up, but could only manage an hour or so before escaping back to bed. I had to get up eventually though mid-afternoon as there were things that needed doing and I had an appointment with my GP, Dr N.

The appointment was similar to usual. I wasn’t honest enough again, but I don’t know if I need to be anymore. They seem to realise that things are pretty bad. He asked me if I wanted to get better, and although I do, I confessed I sometimes find it hard. I just want everything to go away. He told me to stay safe. I wonder why they keep telling me that.

He gave me my scripts. 2 weeks this time, but he basically told me that 2 weeks of my new baby starting dose of Lamotrigine (25mg) is not enough to hurt a cat, let alone me, so told me not to bother. The silly thing is I’d already checked and knew that.

Tonight, I’ve been left alone whilst my partner is out for a few hours. I should feel the freedom and relish it, but I am just left disappointed that I feel so physically crap I can’t make the most of it. I am also bound by the dog and the fact my car is at the garage (even worse than not knowing where my keys are). I took the dog for a short walk, but didn’t feel very well doing it. My head was spinning and the strain of trying to get a 16 week old puppy to go where you want to was getting to me. I just wanted it to be over. It’s stupid that things like that left me not just wanting the walk to be over, but wanting everything to be over. That is the way things are at the moment.

Earlier this week, I had a plan for tonight. A plan I’ve not been able to realise. When asked if I was going to be safe on my own tonight I had always said yes. When asked if I had a plan and had set a date I had always said no. The truth was, I had a plan and today was the date.

All last night I was thinking about it. All last night I was thinking about whether or not it would work, whether there were any better options, whether or not I’d feel physically up to carrying it out, whether or not I’d be mentally up to it. I guess it is no wonder I didn’t sleep very well.

Today though has not gone to plan. I was missing some of the means and the physical strength to do it. I think it is hard to think about doing anything when you feel so physically crap that all you want to do is go to bed.

I am left disappointed and sad. I am left frustrated. I still wanted to do it tonight. It is too late now, but I find myself regretful. I should have done it. I should have just stuck to the plan. I feel weird. I didn’t see a future beyond today, so tomorrow will be strange. A day that I had not intended on seeing. I don’t know what to do with it.

Typical NHS…

with 4 comments

I got through yesterday, although it was a long day. My partner didn’t seem to understand why I was so anxious beforehand, nor did he understand how drained I felt afterwards, but I guess he hasn’t experienced these sorts of appointments. I find the strain of having to try and articulate yourself when your head is spinning and you have relentless negative and suicidal thoughts just too much at times. It’s so hard when you have to explain exactly what is wrong and why you need more support, when you don’t really know the answers to those questions.

Before the two scary meetings, I had a one to one with my therapist. This would usually be something that would make me nervous, but I had much bigger fish to fry yesterday, so it wasn’t a problem. The session went a similar way to most of them recently and I’m not sure how helpful they are being, but it went a lot quicker than usual, for which I was grateful.

Lunch was difficult as I felt sick with anxiety. I tried to eat but struggled. Then it was time for the session with my partner and Dr G. My partner arrived at 1pm, but she was running late, so I was sat in reception feeling very nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or what they were going to say.

The meeting went okay, but I’m not sure how much use it really was. Dr G had received my last letter and she said it was helpful, although she already had an idea that I was really struggling without me having to tell her. I guess that’s positive.

We tackled the question of medication first and I have got my wish and am coming off the Depakote. This is being replaced by Lamotrigine. I just hope it doesn’t give me a rash like the Depakote did. If we fail with the Lamotrigine then it’s onto Lithium, although Dr G is reluctant for me to do that.

Following that was some discussion about how me and my partner can improve our communication and work together to ensure he is not suffocating me. I think at the moment a lot of that was going in one ear and out the other as I just can’t process it. I just feel crap about it all, even if the reality might not be like that. I don’t know what reality is like. My head just feels like fuzz. I can’t really remember anything else from the session, which shows how much use it was to me.

The meeting with the CMHT was frustrating and has left me feeling strange and disappointed. I had hoped that the session would ensure I would have some NHS support within a few days, but that is looking extremely unlikely. The assessment itself was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like they were trying to catch me out. It was almost as if they didn’t want to take me on and they just wanted to find an excuse not to. I had no confidence in any of what I said and felt like I was always saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t concentrate a lot of the time. I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t remember anything and generally found myself struggling to articulate everything. I wonder if all assessments are like that.

The most frustrating thing was they were completely unprepared for The Priory and NHS liason thing. They hadn’t a clue how it was likely to work and seemed to want to get me to agree to being transferred completely over to the NHS. I don’t want that as I want to make the most of my day care before my insurance runs out. I don’t want that as I want to stay under the care of Dr G now that I have got used to her. I don’t want that as I just have no faith in the NHS for mental health services. The whole point of my referral back in April was that the NHS would have time to work out how they would manage me and my care within The Priory before assessing me. The fact none of that has happened is annoying. I found myself getting more and more annoyed as I realised that nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen until someone cuts through some red tape.

So I am left waiting. Waiting for some support. Waiting for someone to do something. Waiting for an answer. I’m left in this strange state, not knowing what comes next. I can’t think and I just feel awful. I wish it was over.

I'm Nervous…

with 13 comments

Tomorrow I have two important meetings and I have no idea what I want to say at either of them. I find myself sitting here, wanting to write, wanting to find some coherance, wanting to untangle the mess of thoughts in my head. I don’t want to go into either meeting unprepared, yet the uselessness of my brain leaves me with little choice as I sit here stuck, unable to express myself. I’m mute.

The first meeting is scaring me the most. My psychiatrist’s secretary called on Thursday to book a meeting with my partner. I was not in, so he booked the appointment. I do not know why the appointment has been requested. I didn’t request it myself, but Dr G must have. We had talked about having a joint session in the past, but only an hour before this phonecall I was talking to my therapist and she agreed that we should wait a while longer before we do. So I’m scared. I’m going into a room with both my partner and my psychiatrist and I have no idea what is going to be said by either of them and unless my head starts working any time soon, I’m not going to have any idea of what I’m going to say either. I want to know why Dr G suddenly requested this meeting. What prompted her to do so? Questions like this are floating around my head and I can’t make head nor tail of them. I just feel lost in this thought soup.

The second meeting is the most important. It is the meeting with the CMHT. The meeting I’ve been waiting weeks for. Two people will arrive at my house and expect me to recall everything that has been going on in the last few months. Hell, they’ll probably want everything that has been going on in the past year or longer! I don’t know where to start. I am preoccupied by this constant suicidal thinking. I am preoccupied by my inability to think. I am meant to try and convince these people I need support and that they can support me, yet I don’t know what will happen. I suspect I will go into automatic coping mode, pretend I’m fine and they’ll go away wondering why they’d been told to come and assess me.

I just know that tonight is going to be a long one. The anxiety is building and it makes me feel sick.

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 18th May 2009 at 5:26 pm

I'm not okay…

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I’m really not. Everyone seems to expect me to be fixed now that I’m out of The Priory, but I’m not. I’m less okay now than I was when I was there. Now I have to cope with life on the outside, on top of all the darkness and mess that was there already. I hate it.

I haven’t written much lately, mainly because I’m not well enough to write. My family read this blog and I don’t want them to know the grizzly truth of how I really feel. I know now that by writing this, they will of course know I have been hiding things again, but I feel that it is almost bursting out of me. I just want to scream. “I’m not okay, I’m not okay, I’M NOT OKAAY!!”

I hate how trapped I feel by everyone else’s need to know that I am okay. Everyone else wanting me to be fine so that they can be okay. They don’t realise that it only makes me feel less okay. I hate how I seem to have no choice in the matter. I have to be kept safe and pretend to be okay even though it’s the last thing that I want. It just makes me more frustrated with life and two fingers to that.

I don’t know what else I can say. I don’t really want to go into the grizzlier truth. I will only be forced to talk about it and that’s the last thing I want right now. None of this is a topic for discussion. At least, not with my family. It’s all too close to home.

EDIT: Maybe I do want to write a little more. I just need to get some of this out. One of the things I am battling with is where to draw the line with honesty and openness. I know that I’m meant to be more honest with my family and doctors, but it’s hard, especially with my family. It’s made harder because the last thing they want to hear is that I want to kill myself and I don’t want them to stop me. It’s made harder because I am meant to be rebuilding the trust between me and my partner so that I can have a bit more freedom. At the moment, I am barely allowed at home alone, meds are locked away, my car keys are taken off me. The last thing he is going to do when he hears that I’m suicidal is give me more freedom. I can’t stand that. I feel suffocated. I feel like he is my keeper, not my lover.

I am trapped between how I feel and how people want me to feel. I am trapped between keeping people happy or being honest and neither is a sensible option. It all leaves me wanting to scream.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 15th May 2009 at 11:50 am

Listen to Seaneen…

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here

I am sure most of you have already done this, but I really do think that everyone should listen to this. It is a fantastic insight into life with this awful illness and hit home with me in far too many ways. I know I’ve read most of what made it into the final play before, but it was strange to actually hear a condensed version on the radio. It made me both laugh and cry (mainly cry!), but after all, I am a manic depressive. Seaneen said it would!

I really hope this play will see more people entering the madosphere and reading some of the talented writing that is hidden in our little corner of the internet. I’m sure any one of my blogroll (which for some reason seems to have disappeared lately.. crap! EDIT: Fixed) could have been turned into a masterpiece in a similar way to Seaneen’s blog, but her blog remains one of the most popular and it is so for a reason. Her writing is fantastic and she has been doing this a lot longer than most of us.

As for me…

I’m still not feeling very well and struggling with things. Seaneen‘s play took lots of pausing and relistening to make it through due to concentration issues. I had my blood tests done earlier today. Aside from that, I’ve basically been sat on the sofa trying to do stuff, but unable to concentrate much. It’s not much use. I don’t feel much use in general. I hate how much of a failure I feel at the moment. I hate how physically ill I feel at the moment. I hate everything.

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 11th May 2009 at 6:00 pm

Out of Order…

with 3 comments

I just don’t feel up to blogging at the moment. I don’t feel up to living, but that’s a whole different story.

I will try and get back into it sometime soon. I hope everyone else is okay. I’ll try and stay in touch. Take care x

Written by intothesystem

Saturday, 9th May 2009 at 1:23 pm