Into the system…

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I'm not okay…

with 15 comments

I’m really not. Everyone seems to expect me to be fixed now that I’m out of The Priory, but I’m not. I’m less okay now than I was when I was there. Now I have to cope with life on the outside, on top of all the darkness and mess that was there already. I hate it.

I haven’t written much lately, mainly because I’m not well enough to write. My family read this blog and I don’t want them to know the grizzly truth of how I really feel. I know now that by writing this, they will of course know I have been hiding things again, but I feel that it is almost bursting out of me. I just want to scream. “I’m not okay, I’m not okay, I’M NOT OKAAY!!”

I hate how trapped I feel by everyone else’s need to know that I am okay. Everyone else wanting me to be fine so that they can be okay. They don’t realise that it only makes me feel less okay. I hate how I seem to have no choice in the matter. I have to be kept safe and pretend to be okay even though it’s the last thing that I want. It just makes me more frustrated with life and two fingers to that.

I don’t know what else I can say. I don’t really want to go into the grizzlier truth. I will only be forced to talk about it and that’s the last thing I want right now. None of this is a topic for discussion. At least, not with my family. It’s all too close to home.

EDIT: Maybe I do want to write a little more. I just need to get some of this out. One of the things I am battling with is where to draw the line with honesty and openness. I know that I’m meant to be more honest with my family and doctors, but it’s hard, especially with my family. It’s made harder because the last thing they want to hear is that I want to kill myself and I don’t want them to stop me. It’s made harder because I am meant to be rebuilding the trust between me and my partner so that I can have a bit more freedom. At the moment, I am barely allowed at home alone, meds are locked away, my car keys are taken off me. The last thing he is going to do when he hears that I’m suicidal is give me more freedom. I can’t stand that. I feel suffocated. I feel like he is my keeper, not my lover.

I am trapped between how I feel and how people want me to feel. I am trapped between keeping people happy or being honest and neither is a sensible option. It all leaves me wanting to scream.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 15th May 2009 at 11:50 am

15 Responses

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  1. *hugs*
    I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, apart from I’m here and I do know what you mean… fixing isn’t instant but people don’t understand that.


    Friday, 15th May 2009 at 12:37 pm

  2. (((hugs))) x


    Friday, 15th May 2009 at 6:37 pm

  3. (((you)))
    I don’t know what to say either. If you can get out for a coffee then I’m here for a caffeine and chatter fix


    Friday, 15th May 2009 at 7:30 pm

  4. Thanks people. I wouldn’t know what to say either so don’t worry. *hugs all of you back*

    Em – that would be lovely, but not sure I’m allowed at the moment for above reasons.. I will see.

    Take care, L x


    Friday, 15th May 2009 at 9:37 pm

  5. Hi,
    forgive me for commenting before I’ve read much of your background.

    Just from this post I felt that it’s a huge problem, the feelings of your family versus your own rights.

    With my family I tried to explain that I really didn’t want to hurt them but that I did feel suicidal (this is going back a few years).

    I didn’t want to kill myself, I just didn’t want to live as I was and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could bear the strain for.
    The thing is sometimes being able to share my feelings of wanting to die with family members actually reduced them – you know the old thing of getting stuff out of your head where it whizzes like a demented blender.

    I feel it’s a bit pointless trying to stop someone from killing themselves by watching 24/7. Unless it’s a short-term crisis, the truth is, someone who wants to kill themselves won’t be stopped by a locked medicine cabinet.
    It is really hard for family members and I felt soo guilty for wanting to die, but I thank them for keeping an eye on me without in any way restricting me.

    In my case it was severe depression that brought on suicidal feelings and in common with others I was probably more likely to act on suicidal feelings when I was getting a little bit better and actually had the energy and brain function to arrange an overdose or whatever.

    I think somehow you need to be told it’s okay to have suicidal feelings and to talk about them if you want to, and still be free to be on your own or go out to the shop etc. There are a hell of a lot of people walking round with thoughts of suicide.

    Eurrgh, I’m rambling. This is just a personal take on it – what’s appropriate for your individual case may be totally different from mine.

    P.s. you should get another anonymous blog and email your readers the location. Or password protect it all. It’s very unfortunate that your family found your blog because writing whilst thinking about what they will be thinking will stifle you. Offloading thoughts often gets rid of them for a while and is therapeutic and it’s a shame you lost that avenue.
    Sorry again for long commenting and rambling and talking about stuff when I don’t know anything about you.


    Saturday, 16th May 2009 at 4:46 pm

  6. Thanks Louise for popping along and for commenting. I appreciate your thoughts.

    I do miss having the blog as an anonymous place for me to write, but my partner found out I was writing and in the end got it out of me where. He’d go mad if I started somewhere else without telling him. I have been tempted to password protect some posts, but haven’t yet. It’s something I may yet do. I miss writing and getting some of it out that way.

    I also think you are right about acting on suicidal feelings when you are getting a little better. I have been too ill of late to act on my thoughts on top of the fact I am unable to when being watched all the time. I don’t have the energy to walk anywhere and without a car I am unable to do much.

    I too have the guilt, but I too am going to crack at some point and I don’t think that point is far away. I’m already having short term crises where I think I am cracking and I end up self harming or just literally tearing my hair out.. something more drastic is going to happen soon and I can feel it brewing. It’s a horrible place to be in.

    Anyway, I’m also rambling, but thanks.. you’ve given me things to think about.



    Sunday, 17th May 2009 at 12:05 am

  7. @ Louise… nice words and nice blog, I’ll be sure to check it out a little more… x


    Sunday, 17th May 2009 at 6:13 pm

  8. I felt like that. I’d been in hospital and was discharged , in my case because I was ‘high’ and so they reckon my depression was gone, doh. I wasn’t able to tell anyone I wasn’t ok, because it was what was being demanded of me, I just felt even more inadequate and waste-of-spaceey given that I wasn’t ok.

    Not sure I have anything to say that will help, just, I know what it’s like. I did get better,eventually.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Monday, 18th May 2009 at 8:53 pm

  9. *Hugs*
    If it’s any consolation I felt the same as soon as I was discharged from the Priory and I went straight into 3 day a week day patient care.

    Now I am an outpatient, with NHS support as well, and I just want people to realise how I feel. Not how I appear or how I come over to them, but actually how I am inside.

    Then again at the moment I can’t really make the words out as all the words in my head are racing so, so fast.

    You will survive, I know you will. Trust me.



    Wednesday, 20th May 2009 at 7:39 pm

  10. I’ve pretty much done all of the programmes I was timetabled for, so I don’t know what I’m meant to do come Tuesday when it’s back to groups. I just hope I don’t have to do bloody mindfulness at 9.15 in the morning like I did over New Year. Did you have to experience mindlessness as well or is it just a southern thing?

    My NHS support works in tandem with my private care very well. As soon as I was admitted to the Priory me psychiatrist was very keen for me to keep in contact with my CPN and the CMHT. My CPN came to my CPA and visited me on the ward at least once a fortnight, if not once a week. The CMHT psych also requested a discharge summary, which Dr Mc happily sent him.

    Since being discharged Dr Mc has faxed letters to both my GP and CPN weekly after each appointment. The Priory seem quite happy for me to see Allison weekly and the CMHT seem quite happy for me to see Dr Mc and have therapy there weekly.

    However, my situation was different in the fact that my care was self-funded rather than being paid for by insurance, which is possibly why the two are so amenable to working together. After all the Priory know that if the NHS are prepared to take me on fully then they lose a patient and the money that goes with it and I guess it takes the pressure off the NHS for as long as I am seeing a psych and having therapy at the Priory.

    Sorry for such a long reply,



    Sunday, 24th May 2009 at 7:28 pm

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