Into the system…

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Typical NHS…

with 4 comments

I got through yesterday, although it was a long day. My partner didn’t seem to understand why I was so anxious beforehand, nor did he understand how drained I felt afterwards, but I guess he hasn’t experienced these sorts of appointments. I find the strain of having to try and articulate yourself when your head is spinning and you have relentless negative and suicidal thoughts just too much at times. It’s so hard when you have to explain exactly what is wrong and why you need more support, when you don’t really know the answers to those questions.

Before the two scary meetings, I had a one to one with my therapist. This would usually be something that would make me nervous, but I had much bigger fish to fry yesterday, so it wasn’t a problem. The session went a similar way to most of them recently and I’m not sure how helpful they are being, but it went a lot quicker than usual, for which I was grateful.

Lunch was difficult as I felt sick with anxiety. I tried to eat but struggled. Then it was time for the session with my partner and Dr G. My partner arrived at 1pm, but she was running late, so I was sat in reception feeling very nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or what they were going to say.

The meeting went okay, but I’m not sure how much use it really was. Dr G had received my last letter and she said it was helpful, although she already had an idea that I was really struggling without me having to tell her. I guess that’s positive.

We tackled the question of medication first and I have got my wish and am coming off the Depakote. This is being replaced by Lamotrigine. I just hope it doesn’t give me a rash like the Depakote did. If we fail with the Lamotrigine then it’s onto Lithium, although Dr G is reluctant for me to do that.

Following that was some discussion about how me and my partner can improve our communication and work together to ensure he is not suffocating me. I think at the moment a lot of that was going in one ear and out the other as I just can’t process it. I just feel crap about it all, even if the reality might not be like that. I don’t know what reality is like. My head just feels like fuzz. I can’t really remember anything else from the session, which shows how much use it was to me.

The meeting with the CMHT was frustrating and has left me feeling strange and disappointed. I had hoped that the session would ensure I would have some NHS support within a few days, but that is looking extremely unlikely. The assessment itself was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like they were trying to catch me out. It was almost as if they didn’t want to take me on and they just wanted to find an excuse not to. I had no confidence in any of what I said and felt like I was always saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t concentrate a lot of the time. I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t remember anything and generally found myself struggling to articulate everything. I wonder if all assessments are like that.

The most frustrating thing was they were completely unprepared for The Priory and NHS liason thing. They hadn’t a clue how it was likely to work and seemed to want to get me to agree to being transferred completely over to the NHS. I don’t want that as I want to make the most of my day care before my insurance runs out. I don’t want that as I want to stay under the care of Dr G now that I have got used to her. I don’t want that as I just have no faith in the NHS for mental health services. The whole point of my referral back in April was that the NHS would have time to work out how they would manage me and my care within The Priory before assessing me. The fact none of that has happened is annoying. I found myself getting more and more annoyed as I realised that nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen until someone cuts through some red tape.

So I am left waiting. Waiting for some support. Waiting for someone to do something. Waiting for an answer. I’m left in this strange state, not knowing what comes next. I can’t think and I just feel awful. I wish it was over.

4 Responses

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  1. You know I can relate only too well… it’s the reason I went over to The Priory because I was just so frustrated with lack of communication and continual support with the NHS. I hated feeling like I was just a name being seen by whoever had space for me. It’s the one thing I am dreading about the CMHT if they take me back. Part of me wonders if I’ll get the CPN I had before, that I could possibly handle because at least she knows my history but giving me someone knew really is off putting.

    I can always relate to feeling like fuzz and not being able to answer what you know they want to hear. I can often hold a conversation with myself over and over again but put me in front of anyone to do with mental health and I just shatter and go to pieces completely forgetting all I want to say. Up until an hour or two after today’s appointment I could remember all that was said but as time as gone on and I came to write the blog post, most of what me and Dr G have said has faded… I seem to be so forgetful these days.

    Take care of yourself x

    Alison

    Wednesday, 20th May 2009 at 7:50 pm

  2. *hugs* I’m sorry the CMHT were so bad, to make you feel like that is even worse; they’re supposed to help not hinder!

    I really hope someone, somewhere pulls their act together x

    Kate

    Wednesday, 20th May 2009 at 8:15 pm

  3. Sorry to hear you’re struggling at the moment. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stuff going on simultaneously and it’s not surprising you feel frazzled.
    I hope things get sorted out,

    Louise x

    bluesilk

    Thursday, 21st May 2009 at 3:09 pm

  4. *hugs*

    DeeDee Ramona

    Thursday, 21st May 2009 at 6:50 pm


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