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Another Bad Night…

with 6 comments

Last night was just another bad night of many recently. I couldn’t sleep, mainly because I felt physically awful, but also because there was a lot rolling around my mind. Little positive unfortunately.

Morning rolled around and I still felt terrible, so forcing myself out of bed really didn’t seem like a good idea. I just couldn’t face more therapy on top of the dizziness and stomach ache I was struggling with, so I decided not to head to The Priory today. Art Therapy this afternoon had been cancelled anyway as the therapist is away.

Afternoon arrived and I got up, but could only manage an hour or so before escaping back to bed. I had to get up eventually though mid-afternoon as there were things that needed doing and I had an appointment with my GP, Dr N.

The appointment was similar to usual. I wasn’t honest enough again, but I don’t know if I need to be anymore. They seem to realise that things are pretty bad. He asked me if I wanted to get better, and although I do, I confessed I sometimes find it hard. I just want everything to go away. He told me to stay safe. I wonder why they keep telling me that.

He gave me my scripts. 2 weeks this time, but he basically told me that 2 weeks of my new baby starting dose of Lamotrigine (25mg) is not enough to hurt a cat, let alone me, so told me not to bother. The silly thing is I’d already checked and knew that.

Tonight, I’ve been left alone whilst my partner is out for a few hours. I should feel the freedom and relish it, but I am just left disappointed that I feel so physically crap I can’t make the most of it. I am also bound by the dog and the fact my car is at the garage (even worse than not knowing where my keys are). I took the dog for a short walk, but didn’t feel very well doing it. My head was spinning and the strain of trying to get a 16 week old puppy to go where you want to was getting to me. I just wanted it to be over. It’s stupid that things like that left me not just wanting the walk to be over, but wanting everything to be over. That is the way things are at the moment.

Earlier this week, I had a plan for tonight. A plan I’ve not been able to realise. When asked if I was going to be safe on my own tonight I had always said yes. When asked if I had a plan and had set a date I had always said no. The truth was, I had a plan and today was the date.

All last night I was thinking about it. All last night I was thinking about whether or not it would work, whether there were any better options, whether or not I’d feel physically up to carrying it out, whether or not I’d be mentally up to it. I guess it is no wonder I didn’t sleep very well.

Today though has not gone to plan. I was missing some of the means and the physical strength to do it. I think it is hard to think about doing anything when you feel so physically crap that all you want to do is go to bed.

I am left disappointed and sad. I am left frustrated. I still wanted to do it tonight. It is too late now, but I find myself regretful. I should have done it. I should have just stuck to the plan. I feel weird. I didn’t see a future beyond today, so tomorrow will be strange. A day that I had not intended on seeing. I don’t know what to do with it.

6 Responses

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  1. I can’t muster much in words because I am feeling pretty much the same as you, I can relate to the plans, a week has passed since my original date and I only let that pass so I could see L at the meeting, it’s been a week since that meeting and I am thinking about her 24/7 my own thoughts and behaviour is actually worrying me but I have no idea who to turn to anymore. Whilst people keep telling me this will pass, you’ll move on I can’t see it, it feels too hard.

    I have a new date, a new plan and I realise there is nothing going to stop me anymore… but this time I am choosing not to delve into detail with people, it will happen when it happens.

    It was good that you got out with the dog, more than I have done… taking Alfie out has become nonexistent with me of late.

    My sleep is very disturbed, in fact it’s not existent over the past couple of nights, all I think of is “her” I realise how crazy this sounds but it’s bordering on being obsessive.

    I guess you’ll have to see what today throws at you, take it as you find it… maybe something good will come from it.


    Friday, 22nd May 2009 at 7:44 am

  2. Oh ITS, *hugs* Don’t know what else to say but I’m here if you want to talk x


    Friday, 22nd May 2009 at 2:04 pm

  3. If it’s any consolation, and it probably won’t be, I’m glad you saw tomorrow and the next day.

    It will feel strange and you will feel strange but as time passes you will realise how much stronger you are feeling.

    Wait for the lamotrigine to take effect. It is a pig of a drug in that it needs starting at such a low dose and is increased so slowly, but it does work. When I first took it when I was 18, it was a wonder drug for me.

    Hold that thought in your mind,




    Sunday, 24th May 2009 at 6:41 pm

  4. I’m glad you’re still here.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Monday, 25th May 2009 at 6:10 pm

  5. I’m glad you’re still here too xx


    Monday, 25th May 2009 at 6:30 pm

  6. I know I don’t know you but you seem like a cool person and I, too, am glad that your plan was foiled. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I hope you manage to feel a little better soon and avoid the escape route xx


    Monday, 25th May 2009 at 7:40 pm

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