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Nothing Changes…

with 5 comments

That’s how it feels at the moment. Everything is the same. Nothing has changed and I’m fed up of it.

I don’t know what to do with myself because everything feels pointless. I try and keep busy, but when I do it all feels meaningless and that only leads to frustration. I have enough frustration already.

I saw Dr G earlier today. I had to wait an hour as she was caught up due to an emergency. I hated every second of my wait. I get so, so nervous every time even though I’ve seen her so many times before. I just can’t seem to get over it. I sit there and feel sick and can’t sit still and it’s just horrible.

The appointment itself was fairly uneventful. She told me the CMHT have been in touch, which I guess is positive. She said that she needs to call a Dr B to discuss things and handover. As Dr N said to me the other day, I’m collecting a whole alphabet of doctors slowly. She didn’t know how long it would take for everything to get sorted out though. It could still be a while before I get some more support.

I kinda told her about Thursday, but didn’t say so in as many words. I think she got the idea, but didn’t bat an eyelid. I don’t think anything I say to her surprises her. She’s used to the constant suicidality. I wonder if there’s any point saying any of it. I am trying to be more honest about things and it doesn’t seem to help. I wonder if I’d be better off going back to playing the roles I was playing before and pretending things are okay, even though they clearly aren’t. The thing is that wasn’t working either. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Writing this blog isn’t easy any more. I can’t be truthful. The bloke always gets upset with me, whenever he reads the truth. I don’t know how to be honest and not upset people. I am still trapped.

Every time my partner reads my blog, he expresses his wish for me to stop reading other people’s blogs. He thinks that we bring each other down by writing about our depression and all being depressed together. He doesn’t understand that this community is like group therapy, only free and accessible at any point.

There really is little to tell between this blogging community and a Support Group at The Priory. There you are in a room with a number of strangers, some you may know already through therapy and others you may not, and you all talk about your current issues and moan about your depression, whilst the others chip in with comments and try to offer support. Here, we all write about things and support each other with comments, but instead of being confined to two hours at a specific time and costing hundreds of pounds, the support is available 24/7 and is completely free.

He doesn’t tell me to stop writing anymore, but he doesn’t understand that I can’t write and not read. The help I get from reading others experiences is valuable and I would feel guilty if I kept writing my blog and people commented but I could never read their blogs in return and offer my support. That just wouldn’t work. It would be all take.

He tells me it is my choice, but the problem is it feels like it’s no longer my choice. The blog doesn’t feel as helpful as it once did, now I feel I can no longer be honest. Every time that I am, I end up with a fiancé that either stops talking to me or cries at me. That’s not helpful, even if the comments I get are.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t just mean that about my blogging, but about everything. I find myself with empty days, not knowing how to fill them, because everything I could possibly do feels pointless and a waste of time when all I really want is to not be alive. I find myself thinking over new plans and strategies, but fear that none of them will work. I find myself wondering how to get myself out of this mess and as much as I try to force myself to take positive steps, I just don’t know what is worth trying. When is all of this going to change?

5 Responses

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  1. Blogging is a kind of group therapy, absolutely.

    Question: would you take your partner along to group therapy?

    I understand he reads your blog because he loves you and wants to know what’s going on, but from what you say it doesn’t seem to do either of you much good. Can’t you find another way to communicate?

    I think if a loved one was reading my blog when I didn’t want them to I would feel a little spied upon :s

    I absolutely agree with you that blogging is as much about reading as writing. It’s about community. That’s an intrinsic part of group therapy too. Therapists call it universality and cohesiveness: knowing you’re not alone.

    The cathartic effect of pouring out your feelings is only a small part of it. When I read your blog, I am not a voyeur. I am someone who cares and understands. We are connected. And I honestly believe that it is the connections you make with other people that keep you with us (and I don’t mean keep you blogging, I mean keep you alive.)

    Sometimes reading other blogs does depress me, but usually if I know I’m feeling sensitive I will postpone reading them until I’m feeling better. (I also fill my reader with webcomics, recipes and kitten pictures.) And I have cried for other bloggers when they’re going through tough times. But you know what? To paraphrase abysmal musings, it is only a flesh wound. It hurts but it doesn’t go deep. I am able to distance myself and go on with my life.

    Furthermore, other bloggers don’t just depress me, they also give me HOPE. When I read the blog of someone in recovery, I am inspired and encouraged to try.

    And, as a final point, most of us have a terrific sense of humour. It’s not all doom and gloom.

    Sorry if I’m preaching to the converted. I guess I’m writing this as much for your partner as I am for you.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you’re feeling so low atm. I hope things get better for you soon.

    If you’re looking for something to do, you could post a picture of your puppy. I want to see soft pink puppeh tummeh. That would make me happy :)

    Take care xx

    la

    Wednesday, 27th May 2009 at 7:26 pm

  2. Yo need to do whatever is best for you, I think. If it helps you to get it out in the open, that’s great, but if it’s causing more problems than not blogging, then perhaps it’s time to stop. I enjoy reading your blog, and keeping in touch with you as a person.

    Whilst I can understand your partner’s worries, I think he needs to realise that all things for all people, and whilst he may feel one way from reading yours and others’ blogs, others get different things out of it; whether it be alleiviating loneliness or actually getting help from people who actually know what’s going on and not some professional who has read the textbooks but that’s all.

    I think I can agree with what La said about it only being a ‘flesh wound’ and I manage to distance myself at times from other bloggers if I feel what I’m reading may have an effect on me.

    Okay, so I ramble. Keep safe x

    Kate

    Wednesday, 27th May 2009 at 9:02 pm

  3. Sounds hard. I’ve been feeling very ‘don’t know what to do anymore’ too.

    Ironically, given your dilemma, I’ve been contemplating joining an online community to be able to talk about it. (Prompted by a call for participants for research into online support groups – http://www.onlinesupportresearch.com/ucl-online-support-groups-study/.)

    Has your partner had any advice or support in how to deal with your illness? From watching my boyfriend deal with mine, I can see how difficult it is. Especially, how to be supportive while keeping some emotional distance.

    Rachel

    Wednesday, 27th May 2009 at 10:44 pm

  4. (((Sending some postive hugs to you)))

    Alison

    Saturday, 30th May 2009 at 1:28 pm

  5. Sending you some hugs. It does get better. I just did this week…. *hugs*.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Sunday, 31st May 2009 at 11:08 pm


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