Into the system…

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Or perhaps it does…

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I last wrote that nothing changes. No sooner than I say that, things seem to be shifting. Things have changed, but I’m not sure that it’s a good thing. Coming off the Depakote and increasing the Lamotrigine appears to have given me loads of energy and is doing something to my mood. Over the past week I have felt this happening and have not known how to stop it and slow things down. I’m now agitated to the point of hypomania, yet still suicidally depressed and I know this is a risky place to be. I’m in the land of agitated depression. My thoughts race, but are largely negative, suicidal and destructive.

My sleep is bad. I think I’m getting a couple of hours at most. At 3.30am last night, I hadn’t slept a wink. I just seem to spend all night tossing and turning, feeling restless and unable to settle with thoughts racing through my head at a million miles an hour.

I’ve ended up seeing Dr G twice this week. I saw her on Tuesday with my partner. This was similar to the last appointment when he came, in that I felt unable to speak and extremely anxious. I become restless and fidgety, which doesn’t help as afterwards my bloke was moaning that I was rude and didn’t seem like I was listening. I was doing my best, but it is hard to follow things when you’re so anxious and your head is doing its best to distract you.

Generally I wasn’t able to be honest with her about how I was feeling and although I mentioned the agitation, I didn’t warn her how destructive I’ve felt. I was quiet and had little to say.

We talked about how I hadn’t heard from the CMHT yet. Dr G said that she still hadn’t spoke to Dr B, but she thinks she knew which psychiatrist it was and she was happy to pass my care onto her. Dr G also said that she hoped to set up a CPA meeting with everyone involved including the CMHT, so we shall see if that ever materialises. She also asked me to give the Allocation team a call to see if they knew what was happening. I did afterwards and it seems I’m being allocated to team this week, so should hear from them soon.

I can’t really remember what else was discussed except the inevitable increase in Lamotrigine. I knew it was coming really.

Yesterday, I saw my GP, Dr N to get my prescriptions and to sort out my sick notes. He was lovely as always and listened to my honest assessment of how things are. He was concerned and tried to get me to promise to use the crisis team if I need it. I just don’t know if I can. My last experience of them was terrible and I just don’t have the self confidence to call them, especially when I’m in a crisis!

Today I had a support group at The Priory and was really agitated and struggling to control the racing thoughts. I managed to be quite honest about how I’ve been feeling, which only caused worry. The therapist, D was doing her best to get me to agree to keep myself safe and to find ways to look after myself. She tried to get me to ask to see Dr G today instead of waiting until next week, but I really didn’t want to do that. She tried to get me to tell my bloke not to go out and leave me alone this evening, but I really didn’t want to do that either.

Following the session, D came over to me and said she’d talked to Dr G. Next thing I knew, Dr G was asking me up to her room. I was able to be more honest with her, although I had to be knowing that the therapist had already filled her in on the basics. I was honest about the agitation and the fact I could feel my mood was shifting. I told her I feel like I’m on the edge and that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know I can be impulsive when I’m like this and I have all the energy I need to act on these thoughts, something I’ve not had recently. I told her that my partner was out for a few hours this evening and I was scared that I’d take the opportunity whilst it presented itself. Even as I write this, my head is telling me I should be making the most of the opportunity because I might not get another for a while.

Dr G said that she thinks I need medication to help bring things back under control. She wanted me to up the Lamotrigine again and talked about introducing Lithium when I next see her. This change in mood is only making it more obvious that Bipolar is the right diagnosis. She also wanted to give me some short term medication to bring things under control whilst the other meds are titrated up to a therapeutic dose. She wrote me a note for some Diazepam and a few days of Haloperidol. The idea was I’d get a prescription from my doctor this afternoon and then dose myself up so I couldn’t do anything this evening. Unfortunately getting a script today was impossible as Dr N wasn’t working and the stupid receptionist would not agree that it was urgent so wouldn’t push the prescription through as an emergency. Her argument was that the specialist would have given me the medication if she wanted me to start immediately. She wouldn’t listen to the fact that The Priory only issue medication on the ward, don’t have a pharmacy service and didn’t issue me a private script as that would cost me a fortune.

I was glad I got pushed into seeing Dr G as it was a good appointment for once. I was pretty honest and managed to speak up that I needed help. She was concerned, but I think she was pleased that I was able to say something, even if I wasn’t given any choice in the matter by D.

I see her again sometime next week and we’ll discuss the Lithium again. I don’t really know what I think about it. Lithium brings the reality of my diagnosis to the forefront of my mind. I am not too bothered about the blood tests, but I worry about side effects. Mainly I just hope that it works. It’s always been seen as the last option for me and now Dr G is reaching for it. I wonder what happens if it isn’t the drug for me. Do we persevere with the Lamotrigine and hope that can handle things on its own? Do we give up on drugs all together? I don’t know. I guess these are questions for the qualified, questions for the psychiatrist to answer.

Anyway, the evening has come and I’m on my own. I’m trying to keep myself distracted and to keep things under control. I was going to do some painting but I keep staring at my paints and canvases and don’t know what to do.

Instead, I just sit here, unable to stay still and trying to write. I am finding it hard to extract my entry from the muddle of thoughts and words that are in my head, but am doing my best. It is taking longer to write than normal even though everything is going so fast. I think I could stay here rambling for hours, but I am sure it will get boring for everyone and I doubt I’ll make much sense. I’m surprised that what I’ve written so far seems to be half coherent. It doesn’t feel very coherent in my head.

I can feel the agitation on the increase. Things calmed down a bit this afternoon, but I am back up again. I don’t have long left on my own, so I think I can get through it. I hope tonight that I can get some sleep and that things slow down soon, but I don’t know that they will. It only feels that things will get faster and faster at the moment until I fall over the edge or crash into something. Hopefully the medication will settle things down if I can eventually get some tomorrow.

6 Responses

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  1. *hugs* I hate the racing thoughts and not being able to get a grip. I have to say one thing that stuck out and I know it isn’t my place to say but your partner saying you were rude because of the agitation etc has annoyed me somewhat.
    I’m glad something useful has happened, the increase in energy etc because, well, it’s nice for something good to happen once in a while but also being honest is good, even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time! I’m glad of the independence, that what I say/do doesn’t really have a big effect on anyone, so I feel I can be more honest than if I were at home, then there’s always the fear that a doctor migth slip up somehow…
    Anyway, I hope you’re safe, you know where I am. x

    Kate

    Thursday, 4th June 2009 at 11:11 pm

  2. Make a complaint about the receptionist. It’s not her job to decide what’s urgent and what’s not, and if you and her disagree then she should ask a *doctor*.

    I hope things settle down. Be safe. x

    in-the-margins

    Friday, 5th June 2009 at 9:05 am

  3. I’m seconding what others have said. If you’re up for it, I agree you should complain about the receptionist (why are so many surgery receptionists c**ts, receptionists in other lines of work usually seem quite reasonable). Secondly, what on earth is your boy doing telling you off for being ‘rude’ when you are clearly ill? Like telling someone with bronchitis that they’re being ‘rude’ for coughing so much, i.e. A) stupid and B) unhelpful.

    Your writing really is very coherent, not just coherent actually but also interesting. You’re a good writer.

    Anyway, hope the meds today help.

    Rachel

    Friday, 5th June 2009 at 9:47 am

  4. Aiming to catch up…
    I can seriously relate to the sleep issues on this post… I was at the point of wanting to pull out my hair last night at 3am when I couldn’t (again) not get to sleep, toss and turn… you can’t leave your room to sit in the lounge, I dare not make a sound because Hitler will enter with such force she’ll wake everyone up… I dread the nights, I came home this morning praying I could get some sleep, I crawled into bed, the bags under my eyes could hold two lots of trolley loads of shopping from Tesco but can I sleep, nope it’s two quiet here, it goes from one extreme to the other… I shake as I write this. They are giving me Promazine to sleep but I take it and I just sit there wide awake. There is so much I want to say to them but I don’t speak…

    Glad Dr G is helping… I have to admit I did well picking her out I feel really comfortable around her and can be honest with her… guess I got lucky first time!

    I really hope Lithium works for you… I keep everything crossed…

    Alison

    Sunday, 7th June 2009 at 12:30 pm

  5. I’m not sure I can be bothered to complain about the receptionist. Usually they are pretty good and it was my own fault for not being up to arguing properly.

    I was annoyed about my partner too, but I guess it’s not his fault that he doesn’t understand what it is like to feel like that. Agitation is an unknown concept to those that don’t suffer.

    Rachel – Thanks for saying I write well. I try, although I often feel that I’m boring.

    Alison – I hope you manage to get some sleep soon. I found promazine useless too. The haloperidol that Dr G has given me to calm down the agitation seems to be helping on the sleep front. I think she’s good too. I still get nervous when I see her, but I dread the day when I can’t see her anymore and I have to start building a relationship with a new psychiatrist, especially one I’ll probably only see every 3 months instead of weekly!!

    intothesystem

    Sunday, 7th June 2009 at 12:50 pm

  6. It isn’t your fault for not fighting back at her. x

    Kate

    Sunday, 7th June 2009 at 9:29 pm


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