Into the system…

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More Shifts…

with 4 comments

It seems I may have entered the land of rapid cycling again. A week of agitated depression has shifted back into plain old depression. I’m still a little agitated and the thoughts are still muddled and racy, but that’s part of the course. My depression is always like that, however I’m no longer jiggling about like a cat on a hot tin roof and full of the energy to act upon the intrusive thoughts.

The shift began yesterday, even before the additional medication was brought into force. Taking the haloperidol pushed things that extra notch. I’m already missing the energy, if not the agitation. I did get some sleep last night, which makes a change but I am tired again. Before, I wasn’t sleeping but I wasn’t really tired either. I had all the energy in the world, albeit not with the concentration to follow my flying ideas though. Now I am left just wanting to hibernate and feeling like crap. I wish I knew where I stood.

I don’t know if to keep taking the haloperidol tonight. I feel I should just follow the psychiatrist’s instructions, but I don’t think she expected me to crash back down quite so quickly. I certainly didn’t expect it to happen so soon. On Thursday, it felt like the agitation was going to last forever and only get worse. Instead, two days later, things are different and I’m really not sure I need to be sedated to the same extent. The extra sleep is a nice change I guess, but I’m not hypomanic anymore, so should I really be taking medication used to control mania?

Considering all of these changes in mood have happened since starting a new mood stabiliser, I wonder just how stabilising this medication is. I know it is early days, but so far I’ve just gone from being constantly suicidally depressed to all over the place. I really don’t know what’s going on. One minute I’m full of beans, albeit with a nasty edge of suicidality and the next I’m lethargic, suicidally depressed but unable to motivate myself to do much of anything. I know I’m safer like this, but it isn’t a nice place to be.

I’ve also started logging my mood again. I had homework from Open CBT to log my activity and stress levels, so whilst doing that it made sense to start logging my mood and agitation too. I was told to a while back and did it at first then kept forgetting. I think it will be helpful to see where the shifts are, but it’s difficult to rate things. When you’re depressed, by nature I think you can be quite negative so I wonder if I am rating things lower than perhaps I should. I don’t know how to rate my mood when I’m always suicidal, even though sometimes my mood may be overall a little higher. How on earth do you show mixed states? Over the past week my presiding mood has been full of the energy of hypomania but with the suicidal side of depression. If I rate my mood negatively (ie as depression) how do I distinguish from the times when I don’t have masses of energy? I don’t know. I guess that’s where the agitation ratings come in. Anyway, I’ve tried to put something together but I’m not sure how useful it really is. I guess I will stick with it for a while, but I probably won’t keep it up like last time. Does anyone else rate their mood and how do you do it?

4 Responses

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  1. maybe have a comments box at the side to note extra info? X

    Kate

    Saturday, 6th June 2009 at 6:07 pm

  2. Thanks Kate, I did on my last version of the sheet. I haven’t added one this time but perhaps I shall.

    intothesystem

    Sunday, 7th June 2009 at 12:53 pm

  3. (((hugs)))

    Alison

    Sunday, 7th June 2009 at 1:33 pm

  4. Wow! You are really in the thick of it! I understand too well having been through it myself. This is my first visit to your blog but I will be back. My own experience with a mood stabilizer is to stick with it and ride the waves but only you can be the judge of that. I have found however that reporting every single change to the doctor has kept me safe and often when they hear my symptoms they will make a slight change, even over the phone. Their main tool for helping you is the information you share with them. It takes awhile but it is worth it. I am not perfect now, but I am better than I was.
    Don’t give up, I’m praying for you!
    Wendy Love

    Wendy Love

    Thursday, 11th June 2009 at 1:29 am


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