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Stuck at the bottom…

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I seem to have stopped yo-yoing and am now stuck at the bottom. You know when you’ve failed to keep the yo-yo going and it just sits at the bottom dangling? My mood is like that.

My week has been one of low mood, but less agitation. I just feel flat,  and demotivated. I just want to hide away and never have to go out and face the world. I just want to hibernate and never wake up. I just want to be dead.

I saw Dr G yesterday with my bloke. It was difficult for me to speak, as usual when he is around, but we talked about activity scheduling and planning. This is something that I am often told to do, but I find it really difficult. I hate the idea of planning what I am going to do in advance rather than just doing things when you want to. I know it is meant to help my motivation but instead it just feels like a chain around my neck. I find it hard to stick to the plan. So far I am doing just a day or two ahead and have been trying to stick to it but I don’t like it.

My partner keeps moaning that I should show more enthusiasm and do exactly as my psychiatrist says, but I have done activity planning in the past and only found it a chore. He keeps saying that I am not helping myself and doing everything I can to get better. I find it so demoralising because I am trying and doing my best. It feels like no one can see how much effort I am putting in. I find just existing hard enough. I am constantly battling the thoughts and doing everything I can to keep myself safe even though I don’t want to, or at least the thoughts tell me I don’t want to. It’s exhausting and bloody hard work. I am fed up of fighting. Why should I have to work so bloody hard to get better? I have done so many of the self-help and self-soothing things that I am fed up of them all. I monitor my thoughts, mood and activity. I try to do all the things that are meant to help my sleep. I try to eat well and maintain a routine. I try distraction. I still don’t feel any better though. Right now I feel as bad as ever. I don’t want to be safe.

I am feeling really demoralised right now. Everyone else seems to be getting better. Most people I know at The Priory are well on the way to recovery. Quite a few have finished or are finishing day care. I feel left behind. I know I finish day care in a few weeks but that’s not out of choice or because I’m better; it’s because my funding runs out. I’m no where near better. Although I know I’ve made progress and am now able to communicate with doctors how I’m feeling, that’s the only real improvement. My mood is still on the floor and I’m still struggling with agitation and mood swings. I’m still so very ill. My medication is still being played with and I stop seeing Dr G in a couple of weeks. I’m terrified of being stuck in limbo whilst I am passed from The Priory to the NHS.

I did eventually hear from the CMHT yesterday. My worker called me and wanted to arrange to come and see me. I’m away for some of next week so she can’t see me until 1st July. It seems like a while to wait. Especially considering my funding runs out the week after that. I want to know that I am actually going to have some support in the NHS. I want to know that I have a consultant to carry on adjusting my medication. I’m worried. I know that in the NHS you will not see the psychiatrist weekly. I know I’ll be lucky to see them every couple of months. I don’t know if I can last a month between medication changes. The thought of being stuck with no hope of any improvement of change for months on end is incredibly depressing and enough to make me give up. I’ve got used to the care offered at The Priory. I’ve got used to seeing Dr G every week and her making little changes where necessary, even in between appointments on occasion. I really don’t want to be dumped in the NHS. I am worried I’ll be left to rot.

5 Responses

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  1. Telling someone who is suffering from mental illness that they are not showing enough enthusiasm or effort in their treatment is like telling someone with a broken leg who is learning to walk again that they are not walking fast enough. Actually it’s worse than that, because it’s actively counter-productive: I’m quite sure you don’t need extra things to feel bad about or beat yourself up about. It is upsetting to hear that someone so close to you is doing this to you.

    It seems to me you are doing the absolute best you can. As you say, you are still very ill. Plus dealing with a objectively stressful situation (changing healthcare providers).

    Often I fail to do those things therapy and treatment tell me would be good to do. I have to remind myself that this itself is a symptom of my illness. And that I’m only a flawed human, not a robot. One of the most useful things I’ve learnt in trying to deal with my own depression is to treat myself with compassion. I don’t think I could cope with someone in my life who didn’t.


    Friday, 19th June 2009 at 9:51 am

  2. Yo- yo vs just low; the grass is always greener- you always want one and then when you get it you want the other!

    I’m really sorry about what your bloke has been saying, it’s clear he doesn’t understand, but I don’t know what could make him understand. It doesn’t help anyone to say that you aren’t trying.

    You’re doing well, keep going and you will get there :) x


    Friday, 19th June 2009 at 4:51 pm

  3. I have to ask can you not afford to continue to fund Dr G yourself say two weekly (if you want me to tell you how much I am paying, just ask I will) I was pleasantly surprised at how much I am paying and other people are when they enquire… technically my DLA is paying my priory bills I suppose.

    I was surprised that my follow up with the consultant on the NHS after my discharge is three months, I feel that is a long time to wait when your released from hospital, I was expecting it to be about a month… but three months doesn’t surprise me when I think about it!


    Friday, 19th June 2009 at 6:34 pm

  4. Thanks everyone.

    Alison – We could probably afford to pay although things are tight at the moment as I’m supporting both me and my partner on my reduced sick pay salary!

    Unfortunately though the NHS have explicitly told me I can’t have their support if I am still going to The Priory. There has to be a complete handover. I’m not happy about that, but I don’t seem to have much choice.


    Saturday, 20th June 2009 at 12:00 pm

  5. Excuse my language but it’s bloody ridiculous especially with how crap the mental health system is on the NHS as many of us already know…


    Saturday, 20th June 2009 at 8:33 pm

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