Into the system…

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Not so good…

with 10 comments

I’m not so good at the moment. I can feel the suicidality brewing and I don’t feel able to, or particularly want to stop it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t remember when I was not suicidal and sometimes that makes it hard to take myself seriously, but I can feel it getting closer. I know I should be shouting up and I guess here I am, but I don’t want to. I don’t want anyone to stop me. I am fed up of being kept safe.

On top of that, my relationship is in tatters. I have been struggling for a while. I am out of control and trying to destroy everything we once had.

We’ve been together six and a half years so this is not a small thing. We are engaged and we’ve been through a lot together. There should be so much holding our relationship together yet I find myself wanting to tear it apart.

It is all my fault. It is me that feels I can’t live with anyone else. It is me that screams for independence. It is me that wants to isolate myself from those that love me. It is me that cannot feel love for anyone or anything. It is me that doesn’t care. It is me that is heartless and selfish. I hate myself for this.

I don’t know why I want to throw everything away. I just don’t feel comfortable in this relationship any more. I find myself feeling trapped and controlled. I question my feelings. I don’t know whether I love him any more. I don’t know if that is depression making it hard for me to love or care for anything or if it is really how I feel. It is a constant battle in my head.

I’ve gone as far as telling my bloke that I want us to break up. I don’t know if it’s the right decision but it’s what my head wants most at the moment. I know I shouldn’t be saying this if I am not sure, but I can’t help it. I have screamed it in fits of anger and irritation and I have repeated it during quieter moments. Saying it though is different to doing it. We are still together.

I don’t really have a choice at the moment. I have to stay. I have been told by Dr G that now is not the time for life changing decisions. I am not well enough to make an informed decision. I am told that things will probably improve when I’m better. I am told that I can always make the decision then if they don’t. I know this, yet I still find myself screaming to get out now.

I also don’t have a choice because I am trapped by fear of section. My partner has already told me that if I dumped him and tried to move out he would get me sectioned. He doesn’t trust me to live alone and refuses to let me break up with him just to make it easier for me to kill myself. I don’t see how it would be any of his business if we were no longer together, but I guess he still cares. It leaves me scared enough to stay.

There are other things that make me hold back. I fear the embarrassment of a failed engagement. I don’t want to admit that things are not good. I don’t want to admit that I was wrong. I don’t want to give in to those that said I was too young. I also fear my parents’ reaction. I don’t want to let them down.

Then there are the practicalities. We live together and splitting up would not be easy. Our lives are entwined. We have so much stuff together. We share the same friends. We have the dog and the guinea pigs. I wouldn’t know where to start if we had to separate ourselves.

My partner doesn’t know how to react. I know this is understandable. He loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I tell him how I feel and he won’t listen to me. One minute he is angry with me and throws abuse. The next he tells me how much he loves me. We keep arguing about it. It’s painful.

I find myself getting upset when I think about the relationship ending. I wonder if that is a sign that it should continue. I don’t know. I know he still loves me and for that I feel guilty. The guilt is painful and maybe that brings the tears. I think it is loss though that really makes me sad. Loss of what was once there. I did love him once. I just don’t know if I still do.

For now we carry on as if none of this is really happening. It is a battle within my head. I don’t know what will happen. My bloke may eventually break and realise he doesn’t want me either. I may change my mind and realise I love him after all. We may just carry on in a broken relationship forever, neither of us able to leave. Something needs to happen though because the current situation is no fun.

Written by intothesystem

Saturday, 11th July 2009 at 10:16 pm

10 Responses

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  1. This sounds really difficult and sad, you have my sympathy. It doesn’t sound like it’s all your fault though – your illness has been really hard on your relationship, and that your boy is trying to take on the role of your medical professional, while not really being equipped to do so. It’s not surprising this makes you feel trapped and controlled – because your relationship has shifted from being equals to him taking on a role of telling you what you should do.

    It’s a really natural reaction on his part, of course he wants to help. But, from my own experience, it’s the wrong thing to do, exactly because it shifts the nature of your relationship. All you can do, as the partner of a mentally ill person, is love them and support them – you can’t take on the job of telling them what to do, or trying to fix their health, without messing up your primary relationship.

    For example – if he really thinks you should be sectioned, then he should tell the professionals looking after you – it’s not his job to make that kind of decision, nor is it his job to care for you to such a degree that you would be sectioned otherwise.

    Anyway, that’s my view. But it’s a difficult balancing act, and I feel for you guys. Good luck trying to find your way through it.

    Rachel

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 10:54 am

  2. This sounds really difficult and sad, you have my sympathy. It doesn’t sound like it’s all your fault though – your illness has been really hard on your relationship, and that your boy is trying to take on the role of your medical professional, while not really being equipped to do so. It’s not surprising this makes you feel trapped and controlled – because your relationship has shifted from being equals to him taking on a role of telling you what you should do.

    It’s a really natural reaction on his part, of course he wants to help. But, from my own experience, it’s the wrong thing to do, exactly because it shifts the nature of your relationship. All you can do, as the partner of a mentally ill person, is love them and support them – you can’t take on the job of telling them what to do, or trying to fix their health, without messing up your primary relationship.

    For example – if he really thinks you should be sectioned, then he should tell the professionals looking after you – it’s not his job to make that kind of decision, nor is it his job to care for you to such a degree that you would be sectioned otherwise.

    Anyway, that’s my view. But it’s a difficult balancing act, and I feel for you guys. Good luck trying to find your way through it.

    Rachel

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 10:54 am

  3. Oh L I don’t know where to start, I guess in some way I can fully understand how you are feeling despite the fact I’ve not been in a relationship with anyone else but have the understanding of feeling trapped and wanting to escape with other things in my life both with that from caring for mum, the closest of my parents and that of Alfie. I know it’s completely different to an engagement but somehow it feels similar. You sometimes get to a point with this kind of illness where you just want to walk out on everything regardless of the consequences, often your past caring about people around you.

    I guess your partner has witnessed you at your worse but loves you all the same and maybe sees you now as going through a phase of just being unsettled, maybe he thinks this is just the period of depression and you need a break, maybe a break is what you both need. I don’t think it helps with him threatening to section you if you leave, besides it wouldn’t be up to him, it would be up to your doctor and CPN of course.

    I guess Dr G is right, maybe things will improve for you when you are feeling better, in the mean time you have to find a way to work through how you are feeling both for you and your partner. It would be awful to throw away everything you have got if this was just a case uncertainty. You have been together for over six years that is a long time, maybe you could consider some therapy together to see if that helps. If only there was a magic wand you could wave to make everything better.

    Hang in there L, the suicidal feelings will pass in time, again. I know right now it feels like they won’t and everything might feel worthless and it feels like the best thing but you have your friends. If you fancy a chat, give me a call, if you still have my number, if not drop us a line on facebook for it!

    Alison
    x

    Alison

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 7:06 pm

  4. Oh L I don’t know where to start, I guess in some way I can fully understand how you are feeling despite the fact I’ve not been in a relationship with anyone else but have the understanding of feeling trapped and wanting to escape with other things in my life both with that from caring for mum, the closest of my parents and that of Alfie. I know it’s completely different to an engagement but somehow it feels similar. You sometimes get to a point with this kind of illness where you just want to walk out on everything regardless of the consequences, often your past caring about people around you.

    I guess your partner has witnessed you at your worse but loves you all the same and maybe sees you now as going through a phase of just being unsettled, maybe he thinks this is just the period of depression and you need a break, maybe a break is what you both need. I don’t think it helps with him threatening to section you if you leave, besides it wouldn’t be up to him, it would be up to your doctor and CPN of course.

    I guess Dr G is right, maybe things will improve for you when you are feeling better, in the mean time you have to find a way to work through how you are feeling both for you and your partner. It would be awful to throw away everything you have got if this was just a case uncertainty. You have been together for over six years that is a long time, maybe you could consider some therapy together to see if that helps. If only there was a magic wand you could wave to make everything better.

    Hang in there L, the suicidal feelings will pass in time, again. I know right now it feels like they won’t and everything might feel worthless and it feels like the best thing but you have your friends. If you fancy a chat, give me a call, if you still have my number, if not drop us a line on facebook for it!

    Alison
    x

    Alison

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 7:06 pm

  5. that seems like an incredibly tough situation. torn and torner. i have no particularly sage wisdom when it comes to relationships but i will second the thought that all as can really be done by a partner is in the love/support dept.

    Catatonic Kid

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 9:05 pm

  6. that seems like an incredibly tough situation. torn and torner. i have no particularly sage wisdom when it comes to relationships but i will second the thought that all as can really be done by a partner is in the love/support dept.

    Catatonic Kid

    Sunday, 12th July 2009 at 9:05 pm

  7. *hugs* I have no real advice to give I’m afraid, apart from would a temporary split work for a bit? Then you’d have time apart and stuff? Tho I appreciate what you’ve said about what your partner would do, but I don’t know what to suggest I’m afraid xx

    Kate

    Monday, 13th July 2009 at 10:00 am

  8. *hugs* I have no real advice to give I’m afraid, apart from would a temporary split work for a bit? Then you’d have time apart and stuff? Tho I appreciate what you’ve said about what your partner would do, but I don’t know what to suggest I’m afraid xx

    Kate

    Monday, 13th July 2009 at 10:00 am

  9. Sounds like a really difficult time for you. I dont really have any great advice, but dont you think that staying with your man is the better option at the moment. With all the mental health stuff going on now it os probably not the best time to be making such big decissions and also living with someone will be the safest option for you. Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Thursday, 16th July 2009 at 6:12 pm

  10. Sounds like a really difficult time for you. I dont really have any great advice, but dont you think that staying with your man is the better option at the moment. With all the mental health stuff going on now it os probably not the best time to be making such big decissions and also living with someone will be the safest option for you. Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Thursday, 16th July 2009 at 6:12 pm


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