Into the system…

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Urgh…

with 2 comments

I feel awful. I don’t know why, but my mood has dropped like a stone.

I saw Dr G this afternoon. I didn’t really know what to say to her. I just said that my week had been “more of the same”, but she tried to probe further and wanted me to tell her how I actually felt. For some reason I didn’t feel able to. I was just vague and didn’t know how to explain things. She asked me about my suicidality. All the way there I’d been thinking about how I could still do it at any point if the opportunity presented itself. Suicide was on my mind. Yet when asked, I played things down. I said that the thoughts were still there, but that some of the time they aren’t as strong as they have been. I said that, when only a few minutes before seeing her they were as loud as ever.

I think most people would be surprised at my suicidality, even now. I suspect that most people think I wouldn’t do it now as I’ve managed to resist for so long. I suspect that most people think things are improving and I am on the way to recovery. The reality is though I am kept safe and if I wasn’t, I’d be long gone.

In some ways maybe I am on the way to recovery. Lamotrigine has been the first medication to not make me worse, and maybe with time it will make things better. My concentration has improved a little and I’ve started to read again, something I wondered if I’d ever do again. I am usually not grappling with the most extremes of my mood any more, although I still have my moments. There are enough encouraging signs to give Dr G and others some hope.

The problem is it is not enough and I still feel hopeless. In many ways I’m still as ill as ever. I could give up on these signs of recovery at any point. I could and probably would end it all given the chance. It may not work and then I’d be back to where I was last February, but I’m certainly willing to take that risk. I don’t care that I may get better. At the moment things aren’t good enough to want to survive.

I am still not sleeping – rarely getting more than a few hours. Dr G has decided that it’s worth trying Melatonin (Circadin). I need to see Dr N to get the script. I hope it helps. Anything is worth a try.

We also talked about how we are going to manage things until I see the NHS. I will continue to see Dr G for now, but I will probably have to be passed over following my appointment with Dr B (or her team) in September (if I make it that far :S). Something I am not overly keen on.

I wish all this could be over. *sigh*

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 12th August 2009 at 5:31 pm

2 Responses

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  1. *hugs*

    Chouette

    Thursday, 13th August 2009 at 3:14 am

  2. I wish I could say something that would help you… I can understand how you are feeling having been so low myself in the past and I understand how difficult it is when you feel like that to communicate your feelings with people especially the medical professions. Only now I am beginning to trust them and open up to them especially Dr G, I feel I can really be honest with her.

    It’s probably not helping that you’re not sleeping and have not been for some time. I really hope the Melatonin works for you, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

    Alison
    X (((hugs)))

    Alison

    Thursday, 13th August 2009 at 1:54 pm


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