Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Disappearing Posts…

with 5 comments

Some of you may have noticed that my posts disappeared yesterday for a while. My bloke and I had an argument and in order to hurt me, he signed into here and deleted my blog. Thankfully he had the nouse to back it up first, but I was still upset and felt violated.

I saw Dr N this morning. As always it was good to see him. He always gives me time and is understanding. We talked about various things, including the arguing and anger, work and the CMHT. I got my script and I now have my melatonin so here’s hoping I get a decent nights sleep soon.

He is still keen for me to go back to work, but I just don’t know how I can. I am still as low as I was last May when I was signed off initially. I can’t handle even the smallest thing and I just snap and lash out. I’m worried the stress would tip me over the edge and I’d end up hurting someone or killing myself. Last night I dreamt I was at work and I hit my old boss. It was horrible. I hate that vision of myself and worse, I know it is close to reality. I suspect I wouldn’t last a week, even on part-time hours. I really don’t want to go back before I’m ready, yet I don’t know if I will ever know when I’m ready. The longer I leave it, the harder it is getting.

I am getting frustrated at being left behind and the way this illness has ruined my career. If I’d been well I’d be promoted this September. I am being left behind by my colleagues that started with me. Even worse, people that started after me and who were not as good at their job as me are being promoted ahead of me. I feel like a failure.

I fear returning to work and people’s thoughts about me. I fear the questions about my absence. I fear people’s confusion over why I’ve been in the company over 2 years, but have not been promoted to the next level. I fear people will think I’m useless because of that.

So far I’ve had some fairly negative reactions to my time off from work due to illness and that both upsets and worries me. I feel that I’ve lost people’s respect. What if I can’t find a new project because every manager is too worried about my sickness record? What if they treat me differently?

There is part of me though that is dying to go back. I want to get out of the house and start my life again. I want the freedom and independance that work will give me. I want the social life that work gave me. I want the daily routine. I want a reason to carry on. I’m fed up of this illness ruining my life. I want to go back and be better than ever.

I know that going back would not be the same. I loved my old job, but this wouldn’t be my old job. I will be working on a new project with new people. At first I will not even be on a project, which will be strange and difficult. I don’t want to return to a watered down version. A phased return would be painful for me, even though I know it is for the best. I want an exciting project and want to be in the thick of things. I don’t want to do pointless activities for the sake of it. I don’t want to be stuck in the Manchester office all the time. I don’t want to be learning how to do my job again. I am worried I just won’t be as good at it as I used to be. I am not as sharp and find everything so difficult.

When I went back to my old role for a few days last August, I found it unbearable not being able to do my old job. I found it unbearable knowing that someone else was now in control. I won’t be going back to the same project this time, so maybe that won’t be a problem, but then I’m scared about starting over again with something new.

There are also the small issues of the finance side of things. If I go back my permanent health insurance would be stopped. Initially it is complicated as I won’t be working full hours, but I’d be on some form of pro-rata pay. Also I’m currently applying for ESA. If I tried to go back to work and found I couldn’t manage it, I wouldn’t be eligible to claim again for another 28 weeks. It’s not exactly an incentive to try and go back before you are ready.

I guess we shall see what happens. I am signed off for another 6 weeks or so anyway so won’t be deciding before then. Dr G said yesterday she doesn’t think we can consider it until at least the end of September and I’m not sure I’ll be ready then. I will also have to attend an Occupational Health appointment before they let me back. OH of course might decide that I’m not well enough anyway.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 13th August 2009 at 12:36 pm

5 Responses

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  1. I’m so sorry things are so tough for you. I can’t think of anything useful to say. I just want you to know that I’m still here, still reading, still caring. *Hugs*

    Karita

    Thursday, 13th August 2009 at 2:01 pm

  2. I did wonder what happened to your blog… I am not sure if that was a nice thing to do or not… I’d probably really lashed out if someone deleted my blog post regardless of whether they had backed up my posts of not! :(

    As for work only you will know if you are ready or not and in truth you don’t sound ready from how you are writing at the moment for either part time or a phased return. I made the mistake a few time of going back to work before I was ready and it just resulted in me going off sick again. I can however understand the frustration of being at home, even when you’re sick you still need stimulation and something to do.

    I think once you start to sleep better other things for you might improve or at least I hope that’s the case! I am glad you got to see Dr N and sorted out your prescription for the Melatonin.

    Take care, Alison x

    Alison

    Thursday, 13th August 2009 at 2:03 pm

  3. Work was the self esteem crusher for me when I was off, but now looking back it seemed I made things so much more worse than they had to be by getting upset over it. Once you get back to things you’ll pick up so quickly. I also found that my outlook on how important work was in my life changed quite a lot after I’d had to take a step away from it.

    It still hurts to see colleagues who have been promoted above me in my absence, but given what I’ve been through I’m not even sure I want that crap in my life these days. You are so much more than just your job. You’re doing so well, despite how you might feel, don’t beat yourself up for this.

    Lola x

    Lola Snow

    Tuesday, 18th August 2009 at 1:15 pm

  4. Hope your ok and that things have setteled down at home after the blog incident. Hugs, Hannah X

    colouredmind

    Thursday, 20th August 2009 at 7:57 pm

  5. Thanks Lola :)

    I think I’ve realised that work isn’t the be all and end all, but I’m not sure how much that will apply when I actually go back.

    Hannah – things have settled down a little although I haven’t been around for a few days. Went down to Monmouth over the weekend.

    intothesystem

    Friday, 21st August 2009 at 12:13 am


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