Into the system…

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A little speedy…

with 4 comments

What’s this? Another post!

My mood today has been strange. I woke up this morning with my head racing, thoughts flying all over the place, a preoccupation with work and a desire to do a million things and make a million plans. The verge of hypomania, somewhere I’ve not really been for a while.

The preoccupation with work is strange. I dreamt about going back to work and woke up thinking about all the things I could be doing if I was there. I miss it. I wish I could go back. I have projects I want to get on with.

This speedy mood has been coming and going all day. Concentration coming and going. Thoughts racing.

At Creative Remedies I think I was a little high and probably a little annoying. Talking too much and I was getting bored of my painting too easily. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Even now I’m jumping from one sentence to another and not even finishing paragraphs.

I wonder where this is going. I’m praying for it to be the end of my depression, yet the rapidly recurrent suicidal thought intruding into the rest of my thoughts suggests it isn’t. It definitely feels like the closest I’ve been to a “good” mood, even if my head feels like it’s spinning too fast, but there is still that dangerous, destructiveness mixed in. I don’t know where I am. I expect this is just rapid cycling showing its head and no doubt it will be gone as suddenly as it arrived, but we will see.

At the moment my mood isn’t physically obvious, but my mind feels like it’s being thrown about and shaken up. I am keeping the agitation down, but I don’t know how long that will last. I am trying to keep myself in check.

Tomorrow I have my ESA medical. I’m worried. I don’t think this mood is going to be helpful. I can’t really think and don’t know how to describe my worst days. I don’t think I seem depressed, which isn’t going to help. I guess I’m there for bipolar disorder, not depression, but it is the depression that stops me working. I don’t even know if I want to have “limited capability for work”. The way I’m thinking at the moment I want to go to work.

Argh!

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 23rd September 2009 at 9:25 pm

4 Responses

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  1. That sounds really tough.

    I hope your physical goes well!

    David

    Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 1:18 am

    • Thanks David. Nice to see a new person about here. I had a look at your site. It’s interesting.

      intothesystem

      Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 10:26 pm

  2. I missed this post yesterday I seem to be so tired when I got in from college I stumbled into bed come 8pm after taking copious amounts of Promazine to ensure I didn’t wake up till at least 9am! I hope the ESA medical went okay, will now read today’s post!

    Alison

    Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 7:48 pm

    • Alison – It’s not surprising you are finding college exhausting. It is new and your body won’t be used to it yet. I understand the taking lots of drugs and hoping it knocks you out thing. xx

      intothesystem

      Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 10:30 pm


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