Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Archive for October 2009

Freedom is regret…

with 5 comments

I’ve had the New Post page open all day, yet I’ve still not written anything. It is weeks since I last wrote a proper post. I still have a lot I want to say, but the words just aren’t flowing at the moment. They run around my head in a flurry of thoughts, but I can’t seem to convert that stream of conciousness into type.

I don’t really know how things are. On some levels I am improving. I am functioning a lot better and have been a lot more productive lately. I am doing things, going places. In many ways I could maybe even pass as okay. On a good day maybe even well!?

I’m enjoying Creative Remedies more than I expected and it is proving good to get me out of the house. I have been working on the website for them and I am quite pleased with the results. I struggled at first with concentration but I managed to get it together in the end. It just takes me longer to do anything these days. My brain just isn’t what it used to be. My thinking has slowed down and my memory and concentration aren’t there. I do wonder how much ECT has affected my thinking power for life. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to work at the level I used to be at.

I have had a little more freedom of late, which I guess comes from people thinking I’m a bit better. I’ve got the bus to and from Creative Remedies a couple of times and spent a little time wandering around town on my own or out with the Creative Remedies folk. It feels good to be out and about. It feels good to be out with others, not just my bloke. It feels normal. It isn’t normal to not be allowed anywhere on your own.

I’ve also had the odd evening at home whilst my partner has been out. This week, I’m even spending three days alone, whilst he’s doing some contract work for his old employer. Time alone is never easy though. I wish it was. I both relish and dread it. I look forward to the freedom and the time to do as I please, but dread the thoughts it generates. There is the constant wish to “make the most of the opportunity”. The thoughts that I should just get on with it and kill myself. Getting through each period of time should be an achievement, but it just fills me with regret. Regret that I didn’t take the opportunity. Regret that I’ve failed yet again to end my life. Regret that I didn’t even try.

So of course, nothing has really changed. The bottom line is I still wish I was dead. I still think about making that wish a reality, every single day. I still struggle to get through a day without hurting myself. I don’t know if this is ever going to change. It feels like it has become the norm. I think it would be strange not to feel like this.

On the outside I may be improving. I may be functioning better and superficially at least I seem okay, but the inners are still faulty. I am frustrated that despite any improvements I still feel awful most of the time. I am coping and I getting through each day, but I don’t know why. I am frustrated that my thoughts still race, the impulses are still there and I still want to die. I don’t want to give up on recovery, yet I find it so hard to keep on.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 20th October 2009 at 10:03 pm

Mind Spinning…

with 3 comments

I have so many potential blog posts spinning around my head. So much I want to get out of here. I keep seeing things I want to comment on and I just don’t seem to have the time or the means to articulate the things I want to.

I don’t really know where to start and I don’t really have time to start. I wish I did.

By the time I get around to writing what I want to, no doubt the moment will have passed. I wanted to comment on the Kerrie Wooltorton case. I wanted to comment on The Conservative party’s proposals to “Get Britain Working”. I don’t know when I will find the time.

There are personal things I wish to say too. I am unsure I can say them here. I feel torn between the need to share and the need to hide. I feel torn between honesty and not wanting to worry people.

There is one other debate I’m having at the moment with myself. The question of anonymity. I have written about this before, but it’s all about the balance of being honest and open about my illness and wanting to hide things and protect my family from the worst of it all.

If you know much about me you could probably find my blog. For example, a search for “Creative Remedies” puts me in the top 5 results on Google. Knowing just a few basic facts you would identify me from reading here. I guess this just makes me wonder if I should be done with it and stick my name on here.

Anyway the short window of time I had to write has come to an end. I’ll be back soon.

Written by intothesystem

Saturday, 10th October 2009 at 2:12 pm

No more driving…

with 5 comments

So today I finally got the letter. You may remember I had to notify the DVLA about my condition. My license has been revoked. I have to return my license in the next week and will not be able to reapply until I have been “stable” for at least three months. I may not have driven for a year now but it is different to know I don’t have a license. There is one benefit in that I can now get my free bus pass. I had to wait until I had proof of refusal before I could claim.

Today I was running a Rethink Tea Party. I barely slept all night worrying if we were going to raise anything. The first hour or so was terrible. We barely sold anything, but things picked up when we went for a wander around the village to sell some of our cakes. In the end we managed to raise over £180, which was great. I’m so relieved!

Written by intothesystem

Saturday, 3rd October 2009 at 4:59 pm