Into the system…

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Freedom is regret…

with 5 comments

I’ve had the New Post page open all day, yet I’ve still not written anything. It is weeks since I last wrote a proper post. I still have a lot I want to say, but the words just aren’t flowing at the moment. They run around my head in a flurry of thoughts, but I can’t seem to convert that stream of conciousness into type.

I don’t really know how things are. On some levels I am improving. I am functioning a lot better and have been a lot more productive lately. I am doing things, going places. In many ways I could maybe even pass as okay. On a good day maybe even well!?

I’m enjoying Creative Remedies more than I expected and it is proving good to get me out of the house. I have been working on the website for them and I am quite pleased with the results. I struggled at first with concentration but I managed to get it together in the end. It just takes me longer to do anything these days. My brain just isn’t what it used to be. My thinking has slowed down and my memory and concentration aren’t there. I do wonder how much ECT has affected my thinking power for life. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to work at the level I used to be at.

I have had a little more freedom of late, which I guess comes from people thinking I’m a bit better. I’ve got the bus to and from Creative Remedies a couple of times and spent a little time wandering around town on my own or out with the Creative Remedies folk. It feels good to be out and about. It feels good to be out with others, not just my bloke. It feels normal. It isn’t normal to not be allowed anywhere on your own.

I’ve also had the odd evening at home whilst my partner has been out. This week, I’m even spending three days alone, whilst he’s doing some contract work for his old employer. Time alone is never easy though. I wish it was. I both relish and dread it. I look forward to the freedom and the time to do as I please, but dread the thoughts it generates. There is the constant wish to “make the most of the opportunity”. The thoughts that I should just get on with it and kill myself. Getting through each period of time should be an achievement, but it just fills me with regret. Regret that I didn’t take the opportunity. Regret that I’ve failed yet again to end my life. Regret that I didn’t even try.

So of course, nothing has really changed. The bottom line is I still wish I was dead. I still think about making that wish a reality, every single day. I still struggle to get through a day without hurting myself. I don’t know if this is ever going to change. It feels like it has become the norm. I think it would be strange not to feel like this.

On the outside I may be improving. I may be functioning better and superficially at least I seem okay, but the inners are still faulty. I am frustrated that despite any improvements I still feel awful most of the time. I am coping and I getting through each day, but I don’t know why. I am frustrated that my thoughts still race, the impulses are still there and I still want to die. I don’t want to give up on recovery, yet I find it so hard to keep on.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 20th October 2009 at 10:03 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Sounds like you’re having an extra hard time of things and it sucks when people think you’re fine and you’re not. I find it makes it harder to talk and harder to make them understand.

    But if CBT has taught me anything it’s that better moods will follow behaviours, so hopefully your mood will pick up to match the effort you’re putting in.

    I know what you mean, spending every day wanting to die is unbearable, but it WILL go away, one day, hopefully sooner rather than later.

    Hugs xx


    Wednesday, 21st October 2009 at 11:01 am

  2. *hugs*
    I think having some independence back is good, like you said it’s normalcy… I do totally agree though that filling time is hard. To me sometimes they seem like frightening empty voids, I don’t like that! But I’m glad you’re liking creative remedies :) xx


    Wednesday, 21st October 2009 at 12:35 pm

  3. I guess the ECT is probably the cause of the slowed thinking and concentration issues. I’ve found since being back at college my concentration has slightly improved, I guess the more I gradually do the better it will become, I suppose over time you will be the same.

    As for the suicidal thoughts, I can understand them still being there because despite feeling well and looking well to everyone I still get them, I still often question and wonder what I am doing here and why I am putting myself through this when it could be so easy to just end it all now… they are passing thoughts though but something they pass and stay there longer than I would like.

    I think its good you’re enjoying getting out and about with the CR team and venturing out on the bus, it’s gradually building up your self confidence as well and it sounds like your other half has given you a little more leeway. Take care of yourself x


    Wednesday, 21st October 2009 at 4:01 pm

  4. “I don’t want to give up on recovery, yet I find it so hard to keep on.”

    Please keep trying.x


    Wednesday, 21st October 2009 at 6:44 pm

  5. It does indeed suck when people think you’re OK when you’re really really not. I’m getting that a lot just now. Grrrr.

    Keep plugging away for recovery. XXX


    Monday, 26th October 2009 at 5:46 pm

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