Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…


with 4 comments

I don’t really know what to say. I have posts I want to write about specific topics, but I don’t know where to start. Head is a bit fried really and I’m just so unbelievably exhausted.

My social worker came yesterday. I had forgotten she was coming and had a bit of a panic when my phone alarm went off. To put it bluntly, she really is full of shit. She spouted all this stuff about positive thoughts and recreating brain pathways and activating synapses, when she clearly had no idea what she was talking about. She was basically waving the CBT stick at me, but tried to dress it all up in technical language and scientific explanations. I am fed up of her suggesting that all my problems will be fixed if I just apply some CBT, think positively and buck my ideas up. I have done a lot of CBT in the past, most of which is common sense. I’ve been applying CBT methods myself most of my life, long before I even knew what CBT was. How do you think I managed to cope with the depression of my childhood, teens and university years? Things have got worse and these methods just aren’t enough any more. CBT doesn’t work for everyone. There is limited evidence to suggest that CBT works with Bipolar Disorder and severe depression (and apparently that’s what it is) anyway, but still they persist. Maybe if I just try that little bit harder it will? Maybe it’s my fault it doesn’t?

Yesterday, I also managed to cut my wrist. This was an accident involving some wire netting and our fish tank. It’s a clean cut, about two inches long, right across the top of my wrist. The blood poured and I felt this massive urge to make more. I’ve not self harmed at all for a couple of months,  but it was a clear trigger. I’ve never really cut. A couple of times perhaps, but it’s not my chosen method of self harm.

When I was last self harming I don’t think I wrote about it, not wanting to alert my partner to the fact. There was a hammer lying around the house, not put back in the garage after some DIY. I was routinely hitting myself with it, all over my body. Sometimes it would bruise, but these could easily be blamed on the dog. She’s bruised me herself enough times. Other times it hurt like hell, yet didn’t leave a mark.

I can’t remember why I started again. I just felt the need one day in the summer, saw the hammer and that was it. Actually I don’t know if the hammer or the need came first. Maybe I was triggered by it then.

This seemed to help for a while. It released some frustration. Things carried on for a couple of months, but then it stopped as quickly as it started. Again I don’t know why. Soon after, we tidied the garage and the hammer went back.

Now I am struggling with the urge again. I want to hurt myself. I don’t know why. I don’t even think it would help. I just want to do it. I have resisted so far and I will keep resisting but the thought is niggling away. I wonder if I will ever get away from the temptation to hurt. I seem to stop and start without rhyme nor reason.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 17th November 2009 at 1:19 pm

4 Responses

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  1. It strange to think what can trigger things off in us… just an accidental cut can make you want more, been there done that… I wish I could offer you more advice…

    The Social Worker sounds like a right pain in the …. why do they think CBT is the answer to everything like it’s a magical pill to just make everything right!


    Tuesday, 17th November 2009 at 6:46 pm

  2. Wow, she does sounds pretty useless, any chance of managing to swap?

    I hope the urge fades soon x


    Tuesday, 17th November 2009 at 6:55 pm

  3. Hi

    Been reading your blog for a while, never commented. I experienced the same thing with the SH, only my method isn’t with a hammer. The mind is a strange thing. Hope you can resist. :)


    Thursday, 19th November 2009 at 1:21 am

  4. The longer you go without self harm, the smaller the feeling gets. I’m a convert yes but I definitely know how much you want/need to do it at times. I remember once hitting my hand on the banister once by accident and then routinely hitting it with the back of my hairbrush, shower head, furniture and a hammer. No one knew baout my helping hand except my GP. Amazingly after two xrays there was no break. I wasn’t at the time but I’m glad about it now. It’s hard to think about it I know but look at me now trying to deal with the consequences of years of cutting myself to pieces. The clean up is horrible.
    And I’m rambling, apologies. It’s easy to say everything I’m saying when you’re days away from the elusive 2years clear mark. I never ever ever thought it’d get better. I thought I’d be dead by now. Everyone around me never thought I’d get better. And I know this little bit of happiness isn’t permanent but I never thought I’d have it to play with.
    Recovery is tedious and painful and horrible but it will get better. I’m willing to promise you that cause I always thought it was impossible for me.

    Oh and stick a metaphorical pair of fingers up at your CPN.

    Take care you xx


    Friday, 20th November 2009 at 12:32 am

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