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Back in time…

with 8 comments

It felt very strange to see DP again yesterday. It was like going back in time.

On my way there I was trying to remember what he looked like, but all that came to mind was the fact he was bald. When I got to the therapy centre, it took me a minute or two to recognise the building. It kinda made me realise how fuzzy my memory is of last year. I still blame ECT.

Memories started to come back though. Silly things like waiting in the kitchen until he was ready, taking off your shoes (both of us without undoing them!) and the blue sofas lined up against the wall.

We didn’t dwell on the paperwork. CORE outcome measure form and a couple of consent forms and that was it. A pleasant contrast to last week’s 50 minute form filling marathon!

Then of course he turned to me and asked me to start. I knew he would sit there in silence for the full hour if necessary, so it didn’t take me long to get going. I had taken notes with me, hoping I could update him on the last 18 months quickly without having to say anything. Sadly he wanted me to talk over things myself. I kinda knew that was coming.

I went over the main points. Last summer, The Priory, February’s overdose, ECT, Bipolar diagnosis and since. All the stuff I’ve been over a million times now. I can’t really remember, but I don’t think he said much at this point. He never did say much. I think he was a little shocked though.

The conversation moved onto what use the sessions are going to be. He seemed doubtful as to whether there was any point in working together for only four sessions. I explained the theory – that it would give me a little support in the interim and help me identify areas to work on long-term, but I am not sure he agreed. I am wondering if he just doesn’t want to work with me again. I am worried that I might have scared him off. I don’t know. I feel quite paranoid about it all.

We talked about how things are now. He asked what the current situation was care-wise, family-wise etc. I filled in some gaps. We talked about my mood too and that being what it is at the moment we got onto the question of self-harm and suicide. I think he was a little concerned and possibly a little panicked. I do wonder if he is used to dealing with this, but then surely most people in therapy have considered such things?

He pointed out that my risk level means I am a “red flag” client and he will need to talk to the EAP about whether or not we should continue. I remembered this from last time. I was a red flag last year and I’m not sure there has been a time since when that status would have been lifted. I am wondering if he is using this as a way to escape me. The other EAP therapist didn’t bring it up, but nothing has changed really when it comes to risk levels. I pointed out that the EAP were aware of my situation when they took me on this time and I hope that means it won’t be a problem, but he said he still wanted to talk to them.

He asked me about a verbal contract too. He wanted me to give my assurance that I won’t do anything to harm myself whilst I am seeing him for therapy. A repeat of the request from the EAP counsellor really. I struggled to give it, not because I have plans to do anything, but for other reasons. I think part of the reason is not wanting the added guilt. The guilt I get from wanting to break those assurances, because the suicidal thoughts are still so strong. I feel bad for even having the thoughts. I guess my reluctance is also to do with the fact I don’t trust myself any more and don’t see the point if I can break my promise. I had given my assurance to people I wouldn’t act when I made the attempt back in February and it wasn’t enough. I have assured myself enough times that I shouldn’t act, yet it wasn’t enough in the end. There have been other times though that making a promise to someone has been enough to make me think more than twice, so maybe it is worth it.

Towards the end we talked about next steps.

He thinks I should be getting more NHS support at the moment. I think he may be right, but I wonder what support there is. What point is there in the crisis team? I’m perpetually in crisis and I don’t think it would be helpful. What point is there in contacting the CMHT or asking for a urgent psych appointment? Useless social worker, J is on holiday and Dr D didn’t know what to do with me when I saw him last month anyway. What point is there in bothering Dr N any more than I already do? He has nothing more to offer me.

As we finished up, DP told me to email or text if I need to, which I am grateful for. I guess the fact he offered that option shows he cares and is trying to help. He certainly didn’t have to.

Overall the session was hard work and quite strange, but I left feeling relieved. I think it was helpful. I don’t know though. It is hard to tell.

In other news, today I had a phone call from the therapist I saw last week wondering where I was. The EAP had forgotten to contact him to say I wouldn’t be seeing him again. I wish I’d cancelled myself now, but I just didn’t know what to say. I feel bad that he was waiting for me. I hope the EAP pay him for the mix-up!

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 10th December 2009 at 10:05 pm

8 Responses

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  1. Glad you went and found it helpful. I know you’re discouraged by your psychiatrist and his lack of balls, but seriously, you need to poke him until he comes up with something. Maybe you’ll have to give him a forcible shove in the right direction. He has NOT exhausted the list of medications out there and he needs to sodding keep trying. How can he inspire any hope or confidence if he’s just sat there saying that there’s nothing else when there blatantly is. If you want someone to give him a friendly kick up the arse then, honestly, I’m here if you want me x


    Thursday, 10th December 2009 at 10:20 pm

    • Em – you really are in a violent mood at the moment aren’t you? ;)

      I am going to see Dr N next week and hope he will give them a kick for me. I will see what he thinks we should do anyhow.


      Friday, 11th December 2009 at 11:02 am

  2. Em mades a valid point… perhaps a red hot poker up your psychiatrist’s arse might do the trick to make him see sense and do something! God I’d better hold my tongue when I am around professionals on placement I tend to sometimes put my gob into gear before my brain!

    I am glad you spoke to him, I feel it did you good to get those things out today and it sounds like he listened and that he cared.

    Maybe seeking help from the crisis intervention team could be the step you need to get the help you need / want faster… we all know how slow the NHS can be when it comes to MH services.


    Friday, 11th December 2009 at 4:36 am

    • I wondered that about the crisis team. Use them just to try and get them to suggest further help, but I don’t actually want their intervention – I see no point in them coming to see me or calling me each day when I won’t have anything to say.

      I am meant to use the “ALERT” service – telephone if I’m struggling, but I hate phones and don’t see the point.


      Friday, 11th December 2009 at 11:05 am

  3. I agree, poke, poke, poke. ;-)


    Friday, 11th December 2009 at 11:04 am

    • Oh didn’t spot your comment when I replied to Alison and Em. Must have been doing it at the same time! Doesn’t help the email still hasn’t come through telling me it exists. No idea why they are taking hours at the moment!

      Anyway.. I just don’t have a stick to poke the psych with. I am hoping Dr N will poke him for me, but I don’t have an appointment until Wednesday.


      Friday, 11th December 2009 at 11:33 am

      • Oooh, oooh! You should get an actual stick, and put a rusty nail in the end and poke him with that! Literally. :)

        Oh, and my emails are slow too. Silly WordPress.


        Friday, 11th December 2009 at 12:19 pm

  4. One advantage of having been an inpatient is that you will never again have to fight with some boneheaded NHS person who is intent on telling you you’re not sick enough to access X service. It’s a small thing, but it does help…

    DeeDee Ramona

    Saturday, 12th December 2009 at 6:13 pm

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