Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

This Week…

with 4 comments

I can’t remember half of what has happened lately.

Last Saturday was the village Christmas festival, so I spent the day selling tea and cake in the village hall. We raised over £300 for charity, but it was bloody hard work. I wasn’t in the mood to plaster on a smile and I just wanted to run away and hide. We got there though.

Sunday was the dog show in Birmingham. It was a very long day. Getting up at 6am and sitting around with very little to do for hours on end was tough. Our dog won the best puppy bitch, best junior bitch and best puppy in breed though, which means she has qualified for Crufts. It’s a rare breed so there isn’t much competition, but she beat her litter-mate sister. Considering her sister is owned by the breeder and they know what they are doing we were pretty impressed . We’d never even been in the ring before, so to win was a little surprising. So yes despite feeling awful most of the day, I did manage to get a bit of enjoyment out of the day. I definitely felt proud.

On Monday we had the Creative Remedies AGM. The day didn’t start well when I burst into tears on the bus. Forgot it was before half nine (by a couple of minutes!) so I couldn’t get on free with my pass and I didn’t have enough money. Was so stressed out I just burst into tears and basically had a mini panic attack. Got there in the end and the meeting was a bit flat and weird really. I was going to stand for Chair, but C wanted that role so I decided to just let her go ahead and stood for secretary instead. I saw little point in standing against her when we needed someone in the other roles anyway. I ended up getting elected to Vice Chair and Secretary in the end as we were short of people. I just hope the secretary role isn’t too stressful. We still don’t have a treasurer, which is a pain.

Tuesday was a slow, low, long day. In the evening we had the Ladies Circle Christmas drinks. I felt a little out of it at times, but it was nice to see some of the girls. I left early though as I was just too tired.

Wednesday started with a trip to see Dr N. DP had been keen for me to see him before my next appointment and I was running out of meds, but I didn’t really know what to say. Dr N knows things aren’t great right now, but I’m not sure he is fully aware of the extent of my mood. He doesn’t really know what else to do anymore though, so he just listens to me babble. I appreciate that he listens. I didn’t really babble the things I wanted to. I left feeling a bit disappointed and demoralised. I’ve made an appointment for in between Christmas and New Year though. It’s bound to be pretty booked up then so thought I better not leave it.

After the Creative Remedies Christmas Meal (fine, not overly exciting) it was time for the journey over to Manchester to meet DP. I had plenty of time so got a quick wander around Piccadilly Gardens before jumping on the bus to the therapy centre. The bus was packed and my bag got bashed against one of the seats. It made a loud noise, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Later on as I was leaving therapy I realised my bag was wet and the can of Vimto I had with me had burst. I was not very impressed. The smallest thing stresses me out at the moment and I just wanted to cry.

Anyway, the therapy session itself? DP asked if he could send over a form from the EAP to my GP. We weren’t sure it was worth it as I am already in services, but we thought maybe Dr N can wave this piece of paper to say “look, she needs more help”. It’s worth a try anyway, so we filled that in. Then we talked about how he could help. I still don’t really know what use the four sessions are going to be (just two left now!). He wants to help me access further services, which makes sense and he wants to give me some support whilst I’m sat in the eternal wait for the NHS. I just wish it could be more.

I can’t really remember what we talked about though. Towards the end I got stuck and didn’t know what else to say. We just ignored each other and sat in silence for a few minutes, but it was time to wrap up anyway. I see him again next week, just in time for Christmas.

Thursday was a slow day again. I got up late and had slept okay. I just felt weighed down and lethargic. Truly a classic depression day. In the evening I was going to a gig in Manc and staying over with a uni friend. I didn’t really feel up to it but I made it and was glad I went. It was good to just let go, dance and pretend everything is okay. I felt a bit weird at times during the gig. Kept going dizzy and losing my balance, but nevermind. Everyone was dancing anyway so I doubt anyone really noticed. Afterwards we shuffled home in the ice and the snow trying not to fall over.

I didn’t sleep all night. It was cold, the air bed was sliding all over the laminate flooring and my mind was racing. I ended up just staring out the window at the icy city. It was a long night.

Yesterday involved another Creative Remedies meeting. We’re trying to apply for funding as we’re only funded up until March, but I noticed at the last minute that we wouldn’t have been eligible for the scheme we were about the apply to. In the end we used the hour to look for alternatives and have found a scheme that looks promising. Need to get the forms filled out in the New Year. After we tried to do a bit of Christmas shopping, but drew blanks. meh.

In the evening useless social worker, J called. I’d guessed what she was going to ask before she did. She wanted to know how I was. I told her I was a little better than I’d been the day before, which was true, but hardly gave her any indication to my mood. She took that to mean I was fine. She wanted to cancel our appointment for Monday, meaning I won’t see her now until January 6th. I’m quite glad I won’t have to see her for ages. Our appointments are always a complete waste of time and I usually end up wanting to hit her (please note, I won’t!). Yet I am not sure it’s a good idea either. I don’t know why I told her I’m fine. I am meant to be trying to get more help and instead I’ve let her walk away. I’m not sure Dr N or DP will be too happy I’m being allowed to slip under the radar. Nevermind.

So today. I’ve not done much really. Hid away from the cold a lot of the time. Wish I could just hide away from life too.

Written by intothesystem

Saturday, 19th December 2009 at 9:26 pm

4 Responses

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  1. The NHS allowing people to slip below the radar, wouldn’t think that were possible…

    Sorry you’re going through a bad time at the mo (seems to be a lot of it about). I hope you manage to get the extra support you need.

    Take care,
    Differently

    differentlysane

    Sunday, 20th December 2009 at 6:02 pm

  2. Wish I could just hide away from life too.

    That is exactly how I feel.

    I really hope you feel some relief from the cruel depression soon. *Hugs*

    Karita

    Sunday, 20th December 2009 at 7:36 pm

  3. Wow, sounds busy. Well done for raising so much for charity.

    Yeah under the radar… because that NEVER happens.

    With regards to your last post, I’m glad you restarted the meds and I hope they start to work.

    Love and hugs xx

    karenintheory

    Sunday, 20th December 2009 at 10:20 pm

  4. I am just catching up… with people, have a nice Christmas I hope it’s peaceful for you x

    Alison

    Wednesday, 23rd December 2009 at 8:59 pm


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