Into the system…

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So it works…

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I thought it formatted weirdly when I looked at in my nokia browser, but apparently it is fine. Checked on skyfire and all good. No idea how I tag posts though. Can do that later I guess. (Edit: finally got around to tagging).

So today has been up and down. getting increasingly high all morning, down a bit mid afternoon and going up again now. This daily pattern often happens when I’m hypomanic. Always worst in the evening as night and supposedly sleep approaches. I’m not sure I’m going to need much again tonight. Been trying to stay off the stimulants although I had some haribo.

Spoke to my grandma. Had to consciously try to slow down my speech and I talked and talked and talked. She couldn’t get me off the phone. Oops.

Played some more solo scrabble this afternoon. It is sad that I end up playing myself, but nothing else to do and no one else really up to playing with me.

Filled in my WRAP form. Makes sense, but I know that when crisis comes I am likely to ignore what it says, even though I know I shouldn’t. It is not like I don’t know what I should be doing. It is just that when it comes to doing it I find it so bloody hard to ask for help, or even if I do manage to ask for it, I can’t then accept it. I don’t know. I don’t really remember being well so filling that part in was hard. It was useful to write what recovery means to me though and my early warning sides for both depression and hypomania. I remembered reading Dee Dee’s account of her WRAP plan as I was doing it and had some of the same thoughts (note – must edit to add link when on computer – Edit: Here we go!).

Crap. I just had bad news. Was meant to be seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, but I’ve just been told it will be Thursday now. I can’t wait that long for change. I need someone to do something. I need a plan so I have some hope. What is the point in me being stuck in here for days without seeing a doctor? That will be almost a week I will have been here without seeing a psychiatrist. Isn’t the point of being here to have constant care from a psychiatrist and to make a plan to get better? The nurse didn’t explain why. Just told me they will explain tomorrow and a mistake has been made. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. I was counting down the hours until tomorrow afternoon and now there are a lot more hours for me to wait. I don’t know what to do. I started to cry, but I can’t even do that properly. Stopped as soon as I started. Froze up like the weather. I just wish I knew what was happening. I wish I didn’t feel so powerless.

I don’t know how long I can take this. I am meant to be here to get better but I just feel cooped up with no support. I don’t see the point. Wonder if I’d be better at home, but even though I’m here voluntarily I suspect they would change that if I tried to leave. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Any ideas?

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 11th January 2010 at 7:07 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Gee, that doesn’t sound great. “They made a mistake”? How?! Urk!

    Have you tried posting from m.wordpress.com? you can add tags on there x

    Kate

    Monday, 11th January 2010 at 9:23 pm

  2. I’m yours on Thursday. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a large quantity of sanity to bring with me as I’m currently all out myself. Then I’ll break us out of there (some sort of digging contraption hidden in the you know what). That or I’ll bring you chocolate and notebooks and hugs. You’ll be okay L. It never ever seems it when you’re in the thick of it, but it will be okay in the end.

    Chant with me now. It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay.

    Love for you xxx

    eccedentesiast

    Tuesday, 12th January 2010 at 12:38 am

  3. I found the WRAP process helpful. Especially as in writing down a list of the things I need to do to stay healthy I am more likely to do them. Especially the eating 3 good meals a day.

    BTW I know what it’s like to be really hyper yet suicidal. You have my sympathies. I predict an anti-psychotic of some kind in your near future.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Tuesday, 12th January 2010 at 6:08 pm


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