Into the system…

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Argh! So Busy…

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I really am so busy at the moment. I have a list of 101 things I need or want to do and although I seem to be doing lots, the list isn’t getting any shorter. I feel a little like I’m drowning in it all, but I am trying to keep going.

I’ve been at various appointments over the past couple of weeks (Occy Health, Dr M, Dr N, New Social Worker etc). We took our dog to Crufts a couple of weeks back. We had the Creative Remedies exhibition launch last week and I was busy getting things ready for that. We’ve had a couple of circle meetings. I’m on the committee for the local Youth & Community Centre, so have been doing bits and pieces for them. My little sister turned 21 last weekend, so we went home for the weekend. I’m helping get things ready for the event in the village on Easter Monday. It’s been a bit crazy really and there is plenty still to come.

The busyness is generally distracting me from how I am feeling. When I’ve seen Dr M and Dr N they ask me how I am and all I can say is “busy”. I feel pretty disconnected from my mood and emotions at the moment. I am too busy doing to think. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I guess at least it means that the blackness isn’t all encompassing at the moment. The thoughts are pushed back and less intrusive than they were.

If I do stop to think though, I feel a little overwhelmed and anxiety hits me. I’m worried I’m pushing myself too hard or taking on too much. I worry that things will fall apart or my mood will fall off a cliff and I will have to drop everything, letting loads of people down. I worry that I will give in to the impulsive thoughts and just give up on everything.

I also worry about things going the other way. I worry that if things improve and I get well enough to go back to work, I won’t have time for everything. I’m involved with loads of voluntary things at the moment and although I know I can’t do it all, I don’t want to stop doing them and I don’t want to let people down.

Back in December/January when I was planning my suicide attempt, I found that one thing which held me back was knowing that people were relying on me to do things and I didn’t want to let them down. It wasn’t enough to stop me, but it did make me think twice. I guess by committing to more things, I am putting up plenty of barriers to keep me here. I just hope it works that way and doesn’t have the opposite effect of overwhelming me and making me just give up.

I guess the fact I am hoping this will keep me here shows there has been an improvement over the past couple of months. I am not sure how much I truly hope, but I know a few months ago it was impossible for me to hope for life at all. All I hoped for was death and as fast as possible. I am not entirely sure what I want now, but life feels like an option again and that’s got to mean something.

This was going to be part of a much longer blog post, but it is long enough already and it may be better for me to stick to one topic per post. I have quite a lot to catch up on and it will be quicker if I do a bit at a time! So busy that I am finding it hard to find the time to write, even though I really want to.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 1st April 2010 at 8:33 pm

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