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Good days, Bad days…

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I’ve had a lot of good days lately. My mood has picked up sufficiently that I am feeling almost “normal” at times now and certainly manageable at others. I have actually felt happiness or contentedness, something I wasn’t really sure was possible any more. My concentration has been improving and my confidence is growing.

I have started to contemplate the idea that I may finally be heading towards some form of recovery. Maybe, just maybe, we have found the drug that works, despite the problematic side effects.

I have been foolish though in thinking the bad days had passed. I had hoped that I wouldn’t feel that bad again, at least any time soon. I really didn’t feel good yesterday. I woke up feeling low and felt worse as the morning went on. For the first time in a while I felt seriously suicidal, as opposed to the passing thoughts that had been floating around, but which I could brush off relatively easily. I was having to really fight the urge to just thrown in the towel. I felt anxious and uneasy. I’ve been struggling with strange dreams and nightmares lately and they were bothering me. Everything just felt wrong somehow. I wanted to crawl back in to bed and hide there. It felt like nothing had changed. I thought I was past all that, but I was wrong.

Things did start to improve again yesterday evening, but I am feeling a little shaky still. I feel like I’ve been knocked off balance and I’m struggling to right myself.

I am trying to tell myself that this is normal, recovery isn’t a smooth process and bad days are to be expected, but it doesn’t ease the disappointment. Telling myself this didn’t make yesterday any easier.

I hope that things will pick up again, but I am worried that this will set me back. One of the things I struggle most with is the idea that I will never be completely well again and there is always a fear of relapse. A bad day is like a mini relapse and it makes me question if it is all worth it. What is the point in carrying on, if in 6 months, a year, 20 years I end up severely depressed again and try to kill myself? My thinking may be screwed up, but I just wonder if I may as well get it over with.

I had been thinking about going back to work. I do miss it and I’ve been missing it even more when I’ve felt okay. I wonder why I am not there. I know I have only just seen Occy Health and I agree that I’m probably not ready to go back just yet, but I was starting to think that I will be able to do it. Even 3 or 4 weeks ago when I was there, I doubted it would ever be possible. A run of good days has made me think it is, but this bad one has put the doubt back. I worry that it would only take a couple of bad days at work and I would be back where I was before.

I’m still really struggling with the future. I panic when I think about what lies ahead. I am scared of therapy. I am scared of going back to work. I am scared that I will relapse. I am scared of commitment in all shapes and forms. I am scared of getting married. I am scared of buying a house. I am scared of getting old.

I am frustrated, because I was meant to be seeing Dr M on Thursday and I got a phone call today to say she has cancelled. I am disappointed, as after yesterday I felt I could really do with seeing her again soon. I wanted to discuss the Reboxetine. I think it is time to increase it to the “therapeutic dose” (4mg b.d.). I hope that those extra 2mgs will be enough to stave off the bad days. I just hope it isn’t enough to tip the side effects into not-worth-it territory. She was also going to discuss what we can do to ease the side effects, particularly looking at sleep again – the insomnia is the biggest problem. I quite wanted to know what ideas she had come up with since I’d last seen her.

I now have to wait another 2 weeks. It is going to end up being 6 weeks between appointments by the time I eventually see her and we were aiming for every 2-3 weeks, so that’s not so good. It may still be better than the CMHT, but I could have done with seeing her sooner.

I guess I will just have to manage how I am. We will see what happens. I’d like some more good days.

12 Responses

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  1. hi
    I’m glad to hear that you are having some feelings that may indicate a step towards recovery. Re. work -I’d juat take it slowly. I don’t think returning will ever be easy but i know from experience that rushing it can be detrimental to your health and maybe mean you have to have further time off.
    Do you think that being as you have found a medication that has improved your mood, Dr M may consider her diagnosis of PD? Is this something that you would want?
    Take care

    starrunner

    Wednesday, 14th April 2010 at 8:31 am

    • The diagnosis question is interesting.

      I do think she should probably reconsider. I look at some of the things I wrote back in January, which she based her diagnosis ideas on and I don’t identify with them at all, which certainly suggests they are not pervasive traits, therefore not a PD.

      The fact that I am recovering with medication and not vast amounts of therapy also points to a lack of PD.

      I guess we shall see.

      intothesystem

      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:50 pm

  2. I’d like some more good days for you, too! I hope the good days do continue, as you said the extra meds may help you with that!
    It’s a shame about the psych cancelling though, I always wonder what is so important that they have to cancel knowingly at short notice!

    Kate

    Wednesday, 14th April 2010 at 9:00 am

    • I’d hoped the extra meds might help, but she changed her mind. Oh well. We shall see what happens.

      With Dr M, it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have a clinic, so she just squeezes me in between other things, avoiding days when there are ward rounds. If she has to go to a conference, training etc, I get moved.

      intothesystem

      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:52 pm

  3. It’s amazing you’re starting to have enough good days to feel (or start to feel) “normal”.

    I go through the same thing, on a frustratingly frequent basis. Enough good times that I feel things might end up being okay. Then a bad week, day or hour that helpfully reminds me I have depression and it SUCKS.

    But the more we have these good days/weeks, the better we become. The smaller & shorter the relapses become, the better the good times. The longer the good times. Until one day you can look back and realise you are WELL again. Normal.
    This is what I keep telling myself. It makes things easier; hope is a wonderful thing.

    Phoenix177

    Wednesday, 14th April 2010 at 11:29 pm

    • Yeah. I have more hope than I’ve had before, which i think indicates things are better too.

      Hopefully it will get easier for both of us xx

      intothesystem

      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:47 pm

  4. I have been foolish though in thinking the bad days had passed. I had hoped that I wouldn’t feel that bad again, at least any time soon. I really didn’t feel good yesterday. I woke up feeling low and felt worse as the morning went on. For the first time in a while I felt seriously suicidal, as opposed to the passing thoughts that had been floating around, but which I could brush off relatively easily. I was having to really fight the urge to just thrown in the towel. I felt anxious and uneasy. I’ve been struggling with strange dreams and nightmares lately and they were bothering me. Everything just felt wrong somehow. I wanted to crawl back in to bed and hide there. It felt like nothing had changed. I thought I was past all that, but I was wrong.

    Wow I could have almost written that word for word… I’m in a mostly good place now, I feel I’ve got a medication that is working for me and unlike you I’m not experiencing side effects so I guess I’m lucky on that score. However I have the odd day when something tips me off balance and it’s really scary that sometimes one thing can just throw me so out of whack and make me feel really suicidal, I had a day like that this week, it really scared me.. I won’t delve into here, but it concerned me immensely that one little thing could tip my mood and balance so much and make me feel like ending it all.

    There is still room for my meds to be increased and I think I’ll see an increase next week at my appointment with Dr G. On those good days I often think how much I’d like to come off meds but when things like what happened in the week happen I realise that I don’t think I would be safe unmediated!

    Sending some positive thoughts your way!

    Alison

    Friday, 16th April 2010 at 9:26 pm

  5. Hey you – sounds like there’s more steps fwd than back which has tpo be good – and 1 day at a time (cliché I know) is best, who really wants to think too far ahead anyways? Take it easy and don’t pressure yourself into going back too soon, it’s much better to taek your time. Take care!

    The Chuckle

    Tuesday, 20th April 2010 at 3:40 pm

    • Heya. Good to see you about again.

      I’m taking my time. No one is rushing me, which is nice. Will see OH again in a couple of months and we shall see what happens.

      intothesystem

      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:45 pm

  6. Encouraging to hear that even after a few good days one can slump back into the nightmare of bad times. Have only been on meds four weeks so suppose it is early days yet but as I write this I do feel despondent as really felt almost normal again for three days. Hope as you say there will be more good days and not too far ahead. Please let me know how long it takes to really get back to being oneself. Need all the positivity I can get!

    Rosemary Sutch

    Monday, 2nd April 2012 at 10:47 am

    • Hi Rosemary,

      Recovery is a bumpy road.. you can feel a bit better and then suddenly have a crap day or two and then things may pick up again and then you may have another bad day and it keeps happening, but somehow the bad days eventually get less bad and the good days get a bit better or last a bit longer and slowly you see there is an upwards trend on the bumpy curve. Hopefully you eventually find a level approaching normal, but even then you may still have the odd rubbish day. It really can take a long time before you can say you are well and stable, but I hope when you get there, it will last. I would say it probably took six months to get to a good place after the meds started to work and that lasted about 6 months before I had a major blip (winter!) and then it took a couple months to get back to that better place again afterwards that time and it lasted longer that time before a minor blip this winter.. I’m now on the upwards curve again approaching normal and it’s taken less time this time.. I hope this will be maintained. I’m learning every time and it is getting easier. I hope you can get there too. xx

      intothesystem

      Monday, 2nd April 2012 at 11:20 am


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