Into the system…

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More of the same…

with 12 comments

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I guess there isn’t all that much to say at the moment and I’ve been so busy with day to day stuff.

Generally my mood has been reasonable. I think I am “recovering”.

There are times when I pretty much feel “normal” now. I don’t really notice anything mood-wise, either bad or good, which I guess means things are fine. I am busy doing things and life goes on without too much fuss or strain.

I’m still getting dodgy days. Days when I realise things aren’t quite right or my mood is a little down. Days when I feel crap and want to hide in bed or when I am grumpy and irritable., but these days are generally manageable and usually roughly within the realms of “normal”.

I keep having to tell myself that even the non-mentally-ill have bad days and it is to be expected. I think I realise I’m still recovering and not completely better yet. My bloke seems to be having a fair few bad days himself at the moment! It feels a bit weird being the happier, less grumpy one out of the two of us.

I would say there has been one, maybe two days when things haven’t been good at all and I’ve worried that things are slipping or haven’t changed and that maybe I’ve been deluding myself. I am worried one of these days may push me to do something stupid, but I hope not and don’t think they will. I think I can cope with them, but it keeps reminding me that things aren’t quite “normal” yet.

I forgot to take my meds properly a couple of times over the weekend and I certainly noticed it, both mentally and physically. I could feel my mood drop and depressive thoughts creeping in, but realising I’d forgotten my meds put my mind at rest a little. I noticed the physical effects too – I felt a bit dodgy at the time, but since I’ve noticed the side effects from the Reboxetine are stronger again too – the overheating and sweating, the nausea. My appetite had been creeping back though, so maybe skipping my meds every now again will keep it down. Hmm, perhaps not such a good idea.

I was pretty surprised that missing a couple of pills had an effect so quickly though. When I stopped my Lamotrigine back in November I didn’t really notice anything, but I guess it is different with the Reboxetine. It has a short half-life and is meant to be relatively quick-acting, so I guess it makes more of a difference. I don’t like the idea though that just missing a couple of pills makes me feel so much worse and could be enough to push my mood back into relapse territory. I don’t like that my mental-health is in such a fine balance.

I saw Dr M yesterday. It was a fairly pointless appointment. Talked about what I’d been up to over the past 6 weeks, my improvement in mood, side effects, me and the bloke, life in general. Nothing very exciting really.

She wanted to do something to tackle the insomnia, but of course discussing medication we came up against the same thing we always do. I’ve tried pretty much tried all the main sleepers and none have helped. She suggested I try some Nytol, so I guess I should probably try that.

She had planned to increase the Reboxetine, but decided she would like to wait. She seemed to think that things had improved quicker than she’d expected and that maybe I won’t need a higher dose, but she said we’d see. Wants me to see how the next 6 weeks go and then she’ll decide. If my mood tapers off a bit or has plateaued too much then she will push it up again. I was kinda disappointed that she didn’t do this anyway. Although there has been a big improvement, there are enough of the dodgy days to give me concern and there have been more in the past fortnight than there were a month ago. We shall see.

I was going to write about life stuff too, but I’ve got a headache and I am tempted to rest. I shall give you a list of things in brief!

Over the past couple of weeks I have been busy…

  • Doing lots of stuff for the Youth & Community Centre that I’m on the committee for: press releases, survey design and other bits and pieces. It’s very much like work and has been taking up a lot of my time. I am still pretty slow at getting things done and my confidence isn’t brilliant, so I end up checking everything a million times. I was getting pretty frustrated as it felt like no one was listening to me, but I’ve managed to get most things done now. It is probably good preparation for me trying to return to work though. Not sure what I will do when I go back though with regards to all my voluntary activities.
  • BBQing. We had some friends over on Grand National day for a BBQ. We had a big dog over to visit. He’s a Scottish Deerhound and he’s lovely. Our doggy is besotted. There were also small children and lots of adults, so it was a little chaotic having two massive dogs running around too. Funny though.
  • Visting Em. Went over to see her when she was in hospital a couple of weeks ago. It was lovely to see her, but she did look pretty poorly. :( Sad to hear that she is back in again too. I was going to visit her again, but as she’s got a nasty infection (MRSA :S), I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. Hopefully she recovers soon!
  • Reading. After seeing The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo at the cinema, I’ve started on the books. Finished the first two of the millennium trilogy and started the third yesterday and already nearly half way through. I guess this shows my concentration has improved quite a lot as there is no way I’d have been able to get through 2 and a half 600+ page books a few months ago.
  • Camping. We went to Lincolnshire for a few days and a friend, M came along too. Doggy loves camping. It’s a great big outdoor adventure and she gets plenty of walkies. We went to Sandringham to see the queen (not that she was in!), had a couple BBQs, went to the beach and watched Boston United play FC United of Manchester which was interesting. I felt too sick (after too much cider the night before) to go up Boston Stump, but M and my bloke did and from the pics, it looks like there’s a pretty impressive view.
  • We went up to Northumberland over the weekend. Stayed in a hotel not far from Morpeth. The bloke grew up there, so we met up with some of his friends on Saturday night. We also went to the beach, wandered around Newcastle and went over to Cragside whilst we were there. I love the North East. Doggy was in kennels as we didn’t know what we’d be doing, but I felt quite bad as she would have loved it. She seems to quite like her kennels though.

Think that’s the bulk of it.

Anyway.. I have doggy biscuits to bake, a doggy to walk, dinner to cook and probably a million and one other things I could be doing… I really just want to curl up in bed with my book or to sleep. bah.

12 Responses

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  1. Hi, Many thanks for this blog post. It is great to hear how you are getting on. So pleased for you that the medication seems to be having a positive impact and your life is generally a more positive experience. Here’s hoping that the bad days become less frequent, and the good days increase. Take care.

    forever learning

    Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 2:32 pm

    • Thanks. :) Fingers crossed! I certainly feel a lot more hopeful at things continuing to improve than I ever have before.


      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:43 pm

  2. It’s great news that the good days are becoming more frequent! I’m intrigued – is this the best you’v felt since you were first signed off sick form work? Do you feel that it is the Reboxetine which is making the difference? Or just the natural passing of time? I really hope things keep on improving for you.


    Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 2:53 pm

    • Yeah, I would say it is the best I’ve felt since I was signed off back in June 2008.

      I got close-ish during January ’09 and again during August/September, but yeah things are definitely better now. Things feel a little more secure than they were then. There was always an underlying feeling of despair, which seems to have lessened, if not gone.

      Just hope this improvement holds out, unlike the previous ones.

      I am pretty sure the Reboxetine is contributing though. I did wonder if it was just natural mood cycles, but the difference missing a couple of pills made has made me rethink that.

      I am glad in a way that the recovery seems to be based upon something tangible. I think it makes me realise that as long as I keep taking the pills things should be okay. When I improved in the past there was no real explanation for it, so I guess there was no real explanation for the relapses, which made things less predictable. I am hoping things are more steady now.


      Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 3:42 pm

  3. It’s been a while since I ventured outside LJ so I’m very pleased you are doing so well. Reboxetine helped me as well (although then it made me manic).

    Don’t go back to work until some time after you think you are well enough. Practice sitting in front of your machine doing ‘work’ type stuff, first for an hour a day, then 2, then 3 and so on.

    Have you tried melatonin for the insomnia? You can’t get it here but it’s entirely legal to import from abroad. It worked for me and I too am impervious to sleeping tablets.

    And well done! You should be proud of yourself.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Tuesday, 27th April 2010 at 9:55 pm

    • I am going to leave it a while and the occy health doctor was great and wants me to be absolutely sure before I go back, so there’s no real pressure.

      The stuff I’ve been doing with the youth club is “work type stuff”, so I am getting there with it. Writing press releases, working on the website etc.

      I’ve been on melatonin before but it helped for a little while then wore off. You can get it prescribed here. I was on it for about 3 months. My GP said it’s used quite a lot in primary care, but for some reason it seems less so in secondary.

      Not much to be proud of really. I take the pills and I feel better. Weird how we are always told “it’s not about finding a miracle drug”, but in so many ways it does seem to be. I guess now that things are improving I’m more able to do things that help, but I do think recovery is more down to the pills and the passing of time than any effort on my part.


      Wednesday, 28th April 2010 at 9:32 am

  4. So glad you’re feeling better. :)


    Wednesday, 28th April 2010 at 12:08 pm

    • It is so nice to read how positive you are doing and how good you sound! It makes a wonderful change from posts months back! Sounds like it has been a busy time for you and the other half but fun also! I hope maybe sometime over the summer we’ll get the chance to catch up again for coffee with Em! x


      Thursday, 29th April 2010 at 2:40 pm

      • Yeah it has been pretty busy. Some of it has been fun. Quite a lot of it hasn’t been either, but nevermind.

        We definitely should catch up soon for a drink. Hopefully Em will be recovering soon enough. :)


        Thursday, 29th April 2010 at 7:06 pm

  5. […] Into the System feels in recovery. Yay! As does Mo, by the sounds of it. Double Yay! (Your first commenter summed up what I think too Mo!) […]

  6. *Pokes ITS*

    Hope you are doing OK out there ITS. Realised it was a while since you posted.

    Lola x

    Lola Snow

    Wednesday, 19th May 2010 at 7:37 pm

  7. wow i wish i had all these comments.


    Friday, 8th October 2010 at 11:35 am

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