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Limbo…

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It has been a very long time since I last posted. I can’t believe the whole of May has just disappeared. There was another post here about a week ago, but I trashed it soon after publishing it. It said nothing of note and was a waste of time. I didn’t even complete it, but I published it anyway for the sake of publishing something. I quickly realised there was little point in doing that and I may as well wait until I could sit down and write something properly.

Life continues to be busy and I am still “recovering”.

My mood is now on the whole okay. I am managing on a day-to-day basis and I feel relatively “normal”. My head feels quieter. I no longer think constantly about depression, death and suicide. I don’t spend the day wishing I’d never woken up. Life feels a lot lighter. It doesn’t feel like I’m wading through 3 foot of deep, muddy water any more.

I think perhaps it is more like I’m splashing about a bit in the puddles. There is still a bit of rain around and at times, plenty of cloud but there is sunshine breaking through too. I am starting to enjoy things a lot more and I’m even getting excited about things. Before, the only thing in the future I would think about was what day I intended on killing myself. Now, I am looking forward to my summer and thinking about what I will be doing.

I am excited about Glastonbury this year. I was really dreading it last year and I didn’t have any idea how I would get through it. I spent most of the time leading up to it intending to kill myself straight afterwards. That didn’t happen because the opportunity was never there, but it was on my mind a lot. When I was there, I spent most of the festival falling asleep, because of the Haloperidol I was taking at the time. I can barely remember any of it. I was anxious and couldn’t handle the crowds and I just wanted to sit down and sleep the whole time, because I was so weary. I am hoping that this year I can make the most of it. I want to be back to my normal self. I am looking forward to seeing new bands and have been listening to stuff on Spotify to try and catch up on all the music I’ve missed out on. I just hope the weather holds out.

I guess I hope my mood will hold out too. I am still acutely aware of the fact I have been ill and I’m not going to be fixed overnight. A lot of the time I think I’m fine and wonder why I’m not just back at work, but then something knocks me and I remember what things were like only a couple of months ago. It feels a little like I am walking along a tightrope of sanity. I haven’t fallen off, but I wobble quite a lot. Although my mood generally feels fine, I don’t feel secure. Some of the time I wonder if it is all a dream and I will soon wake up, back in that terrible state I was in before. There are times when I realise some of the negative thoughts are still there and I have to remind myself that things are getting better.

I’ve been thinking about suicide a little again, but I don’t think about it in the same way now. I have no intention of doing it at the moment, but I still wonder if it might be nice not to wake up again, despite all the improvements. I still wonder if I can get through life and if it is worth all the hassle. I am not sure I’d mind if I was ran over by a bus. I guess I am just no longer scared of death. I thought about it a lot before I tried to kill myself and even now I am not sure I really value life very much. Things have changed though and I realise that although I don’t really care if I don’t survive, I think I can survive. Before I didn’t know how I could continue to live any longer. Life was just too awful and unbearable. Now I think I can cope with things how they are and I can carry on. I have no intention of going out of my way to stop it. I’m just pretty apathetic I guess.

I think the illness still bubbles away under the surface. I don’t think it has really gone away, but the medication has turned down the heat and calmed things down. I still feel a little unstable and not quite right at times. Maybe it will never go away completely. Maybe I have just been through too much or things have just gone too far for me ever to go back to “normal”. I guess maybe it has been there most of my life anyway, but I am just more aware of its presence at the moment. I am terrified that things will start boiling over again. I spent a lot of my life denying there was anything wrong. I kept telling myself I was fine and should just snap out of it and get on with life. Now that things most certainly have not been fine, maybe I am no longer able to convince myself that I am fine, even if actually I am?

I guess this is all “Recovery”. Trying to work out what is “normal”. Trying to get on with life. Trying to not push myself to soon. Trying to find a balance.

I still think there’s a way to go. I feel a little like I’m in limbo at the moment. Not actually ill, but not actually well. There’s this middling ground where you kind of get lost in between states. I don’t really know what I’m meant to do whilst I’m here. I am not entirely sure I know the right way out either, but I just hope I get there eventually.

I have to stop writing now. I have news and things I want to write about, but they will have to wait. You’ve waited this long for a post. You can wait longer for the rest of it!

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 3rd June 2010 at 10:44 pm

8 Responses

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Into The System, Into The System. Into The System said: At last I've posted something on my blogt!! – Limbo… http://wp.me/sgChy-limbo […]

  2. Glad you feel you can move on and survive may feel like a small step but it is an important one. one foot in front of the other and that. I know sometimes it feels like treading water but one day we will swim won’t we? x

    La reve

    Friday, 4th June 2010 at 6:31 am

  3. It must be difficult to have spent so long thinking about suicide, to then, even though you feel better, stop thinking about suicide.

    I understand the terror that it might come back, you might end up back in that horrific place. I still feel that way, I’ve been more or less stable for a couple of months now. But I remember I felt this way last summer too and then look what happened. That’s why I’m taking steps to ensure I don’t take it for granted, to learn some new coping skills and bolster my stabilily. I’ll do anything not to go back to that place.

    I think you’re doing really well, you seem to be taking it slowly, learning to balance, adjusting to stability before taking on large tasks like going abck to work. It’s great to hear from you. :)

    Karita

    Friday, 4th June 2010 at 10:42 am

  4. Yay, thanks for posting! I love the language you use to describe how you are feeling. I’m glad you’re feeling well on the road to recovery. My story is very similar to yours – dx, long inpatient stay, off work for 18 months but i think i am a little ahead of you. I realy recognise the limbo you describe and the feeling of living life on a tightrope. If it helps i felt like that too for a while but then one day just realised i felt better. Not 100% but just well and not so fragile. I don’t know if it was the meds, returning to work or just the passing of time. I really hope you feel this way too shortly. Everyday is not perfect and sometimes i get “The fear” but i can recognise the difference now between a bad day and crippling depression.

    I remember asking a friend “How will i know that i’m better?” and she said “It creeps up on you and then you just know” Good luck xx

    starrunner

    Friday, 4th June 2010 at 12:04 pm

  5. It’s good to see your still feeling the same, but it’s only natural to have some underlying reservations, I guess I do to, I think we’ll always know the medication is keeping us stable. When I asked yesterday about reducing my dose of Venlafaxine to 225mg, Dr G agreed I could, but made it clear that under no certain terms was I to think I could tailor off it permanently!!! I know the drugs keep me stable and I would hate to come off them and be like I was before I found drugs that kept me stable…

    The thing with this period and point of recovery in our life, we start to make plans and look forward to things, life doesn’t scare us as much! You have Glastonbury to look forward to, and I’m planning P!nk next weekend and a night out with my two cousins afterwards around Bolton! I don’t think I’d ever looked forward or planned anything like a night out before and actually looked forward to it!

    I guess it’s a case of taking it one day at a time… ;)

    Alison
    x

    Alison

    Friday, 4th June 2010 at 8:03 pm

  6. […] the System has a festival-themed post. I am excited about Glastonbury this year. I was really dreading it last year and I didn’t […]

  7. Yay for feeling better. And it’s great to hear from you, was getting a bit worried. Apathy is better than being depressed right? And you can go up from there to normality, I have every faith in you. And we’re all here to help as best we can :D

    karenintheory

    Saturday, 5th June 2010 at 7:58 pm

  8. […] Nurse Festival Survival Guide By zarathustra, on June 11th, 2010 A post by Into the System got me thinking about creating a list of tips for people with mental health problems to stay out of […]


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