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Posts Tagged ‘camping

Camping and Coping…

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So when I last wrote in here it was before Glastonbury. It feels like months since I was there. I had a great time this year. So much better than last year and I think that was mainly down to the fact I am so much better myself. I spent so much of 2009 asleep, I hardly saw anything I wanted to and I felt terrible when I was awake, so wasn’t in the mood for it all. I didn’t have that problem this year. I coped. I was really excited to be there again. I love that place. It is just so special to be in this big temporary city of pleasure and fantasy. Glasto is so removed from the real world it is a great place to escape to.

I did have a small stress when I realised I’d forgotten most of my Reboxetine. I took them out when packing to cut the half tablets I needed (I take 6mg – 1 and a half tablets a day) but forgot to put the whole ones back. The staff at Festival Medical Services were great though. The pharmacy obviously didn’t have them in stock but they ordered them for me. I had enough to last until Friday so I could wait til they came in then. The pharmacist was going to give me the whole box of pills because they were very unlikely to need the rest and I could obviously use them but she didn’t in the end. I had my repeat prescription list with me for reference and when her and the doctor saw it and the long list of drugs, she got worried about the fact I only get fortnightly supplies. I gave her my assurance I would be ok, but she wasn’t convinced, so in the end she just gave me enough to last whilst I was there. Fair enough, but it made me sad to think how much of a consideration my overdose risk is still considered, even now all serious thoughts have passed.

I was impressed at the set up at the medical centre. It was basically A&E in a tent. They even had an X-ray suite in a lorry! Lots of crutches to hand, although instead of all the mud-related falls they usually get, there were just lots of heatstroke cases.

Musical highlights included Laura Marling, Muse, Broadcast 2000, The xx, The King Blues and Rolf! Laura was amazing. I saw her proper set on The Park, but also saw her do a very short secret set on the BBC Introducing stage for Jo Whiley’s show, which was nice. Had to beat the England match anyway! Although I am sad we missed Ray Davies at the same time.

I was registered as disabled whilst I was there which meant my bloke went for free as my carer and I had a viewing platform wristband, which was to make it easier if I was struggling with the crowds. I felt a bit weird about this as I didn’t feel disabled enough really, but then if I was still as ill as I was when I applied I would have needed it more. I did use the wristbands once for Muse. I wouldn’t have been able to stay and watch in the normal crowd. I felt panicky enough just getting to the platform. I don’t understand where my crowd anxiety has come from since I’ve been ill. I used to love being in a proper packed gig crowd, but it makes me really anxious these days. The view over the Muse crowd was amazing though. I loved watching the people signing in the deaf zone too. I didn’t get quite how deaf people could enjoy a gig without hearing it, but seeing those guys work was inspiring and the people watching were obviously enjoying themselves.

Leaving Glasto is always sad, but I think it was harder this year than normal. I didn’t want to go home, back to boring Limbo-land. I felt pretty low and dejected when we got home. Glasto soon felt like a distant memory and I just wanted to go back. I can’t wait for 2011.

Since then we have also been camping in Northumberland which was weird with the Raoul Moat thing going on whilst we were there. We were far away enough from Rothbury though to not get caught up in it although we didn’t go up to Cragside because of it all. We did drive past Police HQ in Ponteland on our way to Hadrian’s Wall on the way home on the day he was caught though and it was strange to think about what they were all dealing with whilst we were on holiday.

Camping was good. Windy, but pretty dry. Saw lots of castles and beaches, which is what you expect up there. Nikki dog was very, very happy. Bless her. Highlight of the trip was seeing all the Puffins on The Farne Islands. They’re very cool birds.

We’d been home for a few days and then today was my sister’s graduation in Birmingham. They are excessively boring ceremonies although hers was better than mine at Manchester. I felt a bit weird in there. It made me think about how little I have achieved since graduating.

And now I am on the train to catch up with my bloke and our uni friends who we are camping with this weekend. Lots of camping at the moment. Hopefully we’ll have a good weekend but it looks like it will be wet.

This post is very dull, but writing it on my phone has kept me entertained whilst on the train and I thought it was time I tried to write something to catch up a little.

There are lots of things I want to catch up on and write about but I haven’t had much time for blogging lately. Soon I hope.

Xx

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 15th July 2010 at 10:26 pm

More of the same…

with 12 comments

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I guess there isn’t all that much to say at the moment and I’ve been so busy with day to day stuff.

Generally my mood has been reasonable. I think I am “recovering”.

There are times when I pretty much feel “normal” now. I don’t really notice anything mood-wise, either bad or good, which I guess means things are fine. I am busy doing things and life goes on without too much fuss or strain.

I’m still getting dodgy days. Days when I realise things aren’t quite right or my mood is a little down. Days when I feel crap and want to hide in bed or when I am grumpy and irritable., but these days are generally manageable and usually roughly within the realms of “normal”.

I keep having to tell myself that even the non-mentally-ill have bad days and it is to be expected. I think I realise I’m still recovering and not completely better yet. My bloke seems to be having a fair few bad days himself at the moment! It feels a bit weird being the happier, less grumpy one out of the two of us.

I would say there has been one, maybe two days when things haven’t been good at all and I’ve worried that things are slipping or haven’t changed and that maybe I’ve been deluding myself. I am worried one of these days may push me to do something stupid, but I hope not and don’t think they will. I think I can cope with them, but it keeps reminding me that things aren’t quite “normal” yet.

I forgot to take my meds properly a couple of times over the weekend and I certainly noticed it, both mentally and physically. I could feel my mood drop and depressive thoughts creeping in, but realising I’d forgotten my meds put my mind at rest a little. I noticed the physical effects too – I felt a bit dodgy at the time, but since I’ve noticed the side effects from the Reboxetine are stronger again too – the overheating and sweating, the nausea. My appetite had been creeping back though, so maybe skipping my meds every now again will keep it down. Hmm, perhaps not such a good idea.

I was pretty surprised that missing a couple of pills had an effect so quickly though. When I stopped my Lamotrigine back in November I didn’t really notice anything, but I guess it is different with the Reboxetine. It has a short half-life and is meant to be relatively quick-acting, so I guess it makes more of a difference. I don’t like the idea though that just missing a couple of pills makes me feel so much worse and could be enough to push my mood back into relapse territory. I don’t like that my mental-health is in such a fine balance.

I saw Dr M yesterday. It was a fairly pointless appointment. Talked about what I’d been up to over the past 6 weeks, my improvement in mood, side effects, me and the bloke, life in general. Nothing very exciting really.

She wanted to do something to tackle the insomnia, but of course discussing medication we came up against the same thing we always do. I’ve tried pretty much tried all the main sleepers and none have helped. She suggested I try some Nytol, so I guess I should probably try that.

She had planned to increase the Reboxetine, but decided she would like to wait. She seemed to think that things had improved quicker than she’d expected and that maybe I won’t need a higher dose, but she said we’d see. Wants me to see how the next 6 weeks go and then she’ll decide. If my mood tapers off a bit or has plateaued too much then she will push it up again. I was kinda disappointed that she didn’t do this anyway. Although there has been a big improvement, there are enough of the dodgy days to give me concern and there have been more in the past fortnight than there were a month ago. We shall see.

I was going to write about life stuff too, but I’ve got a headache and I am tempted to rest. I shall give you a list of things in brief!

Over the past couple of weeks I have been busy…

  • Doing lots of stuff for the Youth & Community Centre that I’m on the committee for: press releases, survey design and other bits and pieces. It’s very much like work and has been taking up a lot of my time. I am still pretty slow at getting things done and my confidence isn’t brilliant, so I end up checking everything a million times. I was getting pretty frustrated as it felt like no one was listening to me, but I’ve managed to get most things done now. It is probably good preparation for me trying to return to work though. Not sure what I will do when I go back though with regards to all my voluntary activities.
  • BBQing. We had some friends over on Grand National day for a BBQ. We had a big dog over to visit. He’s a Scottish Deerhound and he’s lovely. Our doggy is besotted. There were also small children and lots of adults, so it was a little chaotic having two massive dogs running around too. Funny though.
  • Visting Em. Went over to see her when she was in hospital a couple of weeks ago. It was lovely to see her, but she did look pretty poorly. :( Sad to hear that she is back in again too. I was going to visit her again, but as she’s got a nasty infection (MRSA :S), I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. Hopefully she recovers soon!
  • Reading. After seeing The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo at the cinema, I’ve started on the books. Finished the first two of the millennium trilogy and started the third yesterday and already nearly half way through. I guess this shows my concentration has improved quite a lot as there is no way I’d have been able to get through 2 and a half 600+ page books a few months ago.
  • Camping. We went to Lincolnshire for a few days and a friend, M came along too. Doggy loves camping. It’s a great big outdoor adventure and she gets plenty of walkies. We went to Sandringham to see the queen (not that she was in!), had a couple BBQs, went to the beach and watched Boston United play FC United of Manchester which was interesting. I felt too sick (after too much cider the night before) to go up Boston Stump, but M and my bloke did and from the pics, it looks like there’s a pretty impressive view.
  • We went up to Northumberland over the weekend. Stayed in a hotel not far from Morpeth. The bloke grew up there, so we met up with some of his friends on Saturday night. We also went to the beach, wandered around Newcastle and went over to Cragside whilst we were there. I love the North East. Doggy was in kennels as we didn’t know what we’d be doing, but I felt quite bad as she would have loved it. She seems to quite like her kennels though.

Think that’s the bulk of it.

Anyway.. I have doggy biscuits to bake, a doggy to walk, dinner to cook and probably a million and one other things I could be doing… I really just want to curl up in bed with my book or to sleep. bah.

A long week…

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A lot has happened in the past week. I kept meaning to write, but time got away from me.

I saw Dr G last Tuesday and was disappointed. It was a fairly pointless appointment. I did mention my dip in mood in the weeks prior to seeing her, but she didn’t have much to say. She increased the Lamotrigine again by the minute amount of 25mg, so I’m now up to 125mg b.d. She asked me about the hand over to the NHS. She seems ready to hand me over and doesn’t seem to want me to continue seeing her once I’m in the hands of the NHS. She thinks it will complicate things, which it would, but I trust her a lot more than I trust the NHS and I appreciate the constant input. I’m worried about the frequency I will be seeing the NHS psychiatrist. Talking about this with my social worker today, she said that if people are “stable” they will only see the psychiatrist every 6 months, even if that stability isn’t a particularly nice state to be stable in. She said I may see them a little more often at first, but even then it may only be every 3 months or so. This terrifies me. At the moment I always have that “if I can get through the next fortnight until I see Dr G, things may be okay”. This can keep me going. Knowing I’m on my own for months may be enough to make me give up again. I know I can ask for a rapid access appointment if things get scary, bad, but I’m not sure that’s enough and I can’t be asking for one every month or so!

On Tuesday night I learnt the bad side of knowing lots of people with mental health issues. One of my friends who I met in The Priory texted me to thank me for being her friend and to apologise for the fact she was going to kill herself that evening. I didn’t know what to do as I felt powerless to intervene and hypocritical for wanting to do so. She had been a long-stay patient in hospital and I believe was on overnight leave at the time. In the end I contacted the hospital she had been at and told them what she’d said. They wouldn’t discuss it with me due to patient confidentiality or even acknowledge what I had said, but I hope it alerted them and was of some help. They told me to call the police instead as they would have the power to intervene, but I didn’t want to do that. She tried to call me a couple of times in the evening but I missed the calls and when I called her back she didn’t pick up. I was worried but I did what I could. I was relieved when she later texted to say she had been picked up by the police, although worried for her. The hospital she had been in have chucked her out, presumably for breaking the rules of her overnight leave. I’m shocked and appalled by this decision as she’s at her most vulnerable at the moment. The people who are meant to be caring for her have dumped her when she needs them most and she is now alone and extremely ill. Last I heard she was staying with some friends and I just hope they can keep her safe.

This whole thing was triggering for me. I wanted to help her and intervene with her decision, yet I myself wanted to do exactly what she was doing. I was jealous of her at the same time as worried for her. I was angry at myself for being so hypocritical. I knew that if I was in her position I’d have been frustrated if she had intervened, but then I still wanted to do something. I couldn’t just stand by and let a friend die. I was comforted by the fact that she had contacted me. It suggested to me that she wanted someone to do something. She’d have gone alone and quietly if she was completely determined to succeed.

Wednesday started with a trip to Dr N so he could steal my blood for the mood disorder research. He struggled to get anything out of me. Spent ages trying to find veins in my arms and used my wrists in the end. The first attempt failed and has left me with terrible bruising and some wrist pain. The second attempt was eventually successful, but painful as he pushed the needle around in my wrist. We got there though in the end.

After this it was a trip to my office. My work laptop was due to be upgraded so I had to go drop it in to the IT department. It was weird to be in my old work environment. It made me realise that I really missed it. I wish I could just go back and do my job.

I had Creative Remedies in the afternoon. It was visual arts this time, which boils down to painting. I was disappointed by the class as it is restrictive. We had to start with a “colour wheel”, which made me feel I was in primary school. I know very well which colours mix together and what primary and secondary colours are. For our first project we have to choose images from a selection of Japanese, Egyptian and Art-Deco pictures and use these as inspiration. It feels very much like art at school, which is frustrating as I’d rather paint whatever I liked. I was impressed with the materials on offer though. We get a portfolio folder and sketchbook, access to good quality acrylics, watercolours and gouache paints and canvasses to work on. It’s all free so I can’t really complain. The teacher does seem to be experienced and the outreach workers are the same as on Monday’s session, so we should be able to develop a good relationship with them. I’ve been getting on well with one of them in particular already. It is basically just an art class though and not art therapy at all and although it gets me out of the house and doing something it doesn’t seem therapeutic. I miss the emotional freedom of art therapy at The Priory and the therapists there.

Wednesday evening saw us heading over to Snowdonia for a few days camping. My parents and grandparents had rented a cottage over there for a week, so we joined them for a couple of days. It was nice to get away for a few days, but I was feeling a bit flat a lot of the time. A good campsite near Beddgelert, we enjoyed nice food at The Goat Hotel on Wednesday evening.

The highlight of Thursday was a trip to Harlech castle, but a further reminder of my illness. Disabled admission was one such reminder. A bonus in that it was free, but even still I feel weird asking for it. I find it hard to think of myself as disabled. The second reminder came from climbing the towers. I felt uncomfortable at those heights. I am not scared of heights in any way, but I wanted to jump. If my parents and partner weren’t with me it would have been a huge temptation. I don’t think I could do that in front of them though. The image of my fall would haunt them for too long. Aside from this though it was good. I’ve never been such a big fan of ruined castles, but the views were fantastic.

Friday brought beautiful weather and a trip to the beach. We struggled to find one where our dog was welcome, but eventually stumbled across a beautiful little cove, with golden sands and shallow water. The beach was almost deserted with just one other couple there most of the time. We went for a swim, which was of course cold, but good. It was lovely to see our puppy swimming properly for the first time. I felt like a proud parent. There were also lots of little silver fish swimming around, which was unusual but made me a little squeamish.

We came home on Saturday, amidst drizzle and murkiness. A real downer after the lovely day on Friday. Our tent was soggy and I hate packing at the best of times, so I felt pretty awful. I’ve just felt pretty low all weekend and have had little motivation to do anything. I just want to hibernate really.

The highlight of today was another trip to Creative Remedies. I have enjoyed it and I think I will continue to, but I am still unsure of the therapeutic benefit. I wonder whether the vast amount of money that is being spent on this should be put to better use elsewhere, especially in reducing the waiting lists for other therapy.

My social worker came over today to check up on me before we both go and see the NHS psychiatrist tomorrow. She had some paper work to read and sign – mainly my risk assessment and enhanced CPA. It was weird to read a catalogued list of risks and declarations of my suicidal thoughts. She asked me what I wanted from the appointment tomorrow and tried to set some expectations. It seems that we will go over history and recent mood. It is apparently unlikely that the psychiatrist will change my medication on the first meeting and it is likely that I won’t see them again for a while. I don’t see the point in just going over my history and not actually doing anything. He can find the history in my notes and I’d rather use this appointment to make some changes that may help me to recover. We will see though. Wish me luck. I really fear I am going to need it.