Into the system…

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Posts Tagged ‘death

Short Pause…

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It’s been 10 days since I last posted. Each time I keep thinking I should start writing more often again, but it doesn’t seem to happen. The gaps seem to get larger, not smaller.

I often think of things I want to write about, but I don’t seem to translate those thoughts into posts. I wanted to write about the NHS when the #welovetheNHS campaign was in full swing, but now I can’t really remember what I wanted to say and the moment has passed.

The last week or so has been up and down. A phrase I say so often.

I went to my parents for a few days last weekend. On Monday my sister, the dog and I trecked over to Porthcawl for the day. It was lovely weather and we enjoyed a splash in the sea, some fish and chips and icecream. Not a bad day really.

Tuesday involved bringing the dog home on the train. It was stressful, but we managed to get back safely. She slept a lot of the way taking up most of the aisle.

I saw Dr G on Wednesday. She increased the Lamotrigine again. I’m now on 125mg Mane, 100mg Nocte. Again it was an increase I expected. She is increasing the Lamotrigine by 25mg every 2 weeks. I wonder if it’s worth seeing her each time or if I’d be better off asking her to give my GP the instructions to increase it, thus saving myself some money. Seeing her every 1-2 weeks is not cheap.

I can’t remember what else we talked about. I remember her telling me she still thought it was too early for me to go back to work. Disappointment and relief. Disappointment that I am not well enough to go back. Relief that I don’t have to make the decision yet and that I am not being forced to go back too soon.

My social worker is still useless. I saw her on Thursday after forgetting I was meant to see her on Tuesday. She turned up at my house and I was at my parents 140 miles away. I guess that makes me useless too.

Anyway, we talked for a little while. She asked me if I’m interested in the creative remedies therapy group and the “positive thoughts” group. She’d forgotten to bring the information again so I’m not entirely sure what I’m letting myself in for. I agreed to both though so we shall see what happens. I’m pretty skeptical about the positive thoughts one. She said it’s simplified CBT, which rings alarm bells, especially as I’ve done non-simplified CBT in the past. I have visions of us sitting in group having to repeat affirmations. The groups are meant to start in September.

J came up with excuses about her failure to complete the referrals so far saying that the problem is she’s useless at doing paper work. More alarm bells ringing when she said that. I’m sure form-filling must be a huge part of her job so I wonder why she’s doing it if she can’t be bothered. I hope she does the referrals but I’m not holding my breath.

She also told me she’ll be with me at my psychiatrist’s appointment in September. I don’t want her to be, but I guess I have little choice. I’d rather I was on my own. I generally find I’m more comfortable with the psychiatrists and I have no trust in her at all, so I think I will find it hard to be open.

She didn’t think my appointment was with Dr B because the time doesn’t correspond to one of her clinics. I’m not surprised at that, but still a little disappointed. She did say who she thinks it will be but I can’t remember his name. Apparently he’s quite new and she doesn’t know what he’s like, which is a little worrying, but I get the impression that is quite normal with the NHS.

The rest of the time lately has been littered with arguments and random drops in mood. Friday evening was difficult. After a long argument with my partner I became hysterical and couldn’t stop crying. I find myself wanting us to break up and these episodes only make that wish stronger. I don’t know how we can carry on like this. The arguments are frequent and pointless. They just hurt us both and make life so difficult. I want to isolate myself from it all. It fuels my desire to not be here.

Earlier today I read this post on mentalnurse.org.uk. It talks of the anger at being saved from suicide. I still feel that anger and unlike Torah, I am not pleased to not be dead. I still wish that I had not been saved. I remember the disappointment of waking up and knowing I’d failed. I remember people asking me if I was glad to be alive and thinking they were insane. I still don’t understand how they could ask that. I didn’t make the decision lightly. I knew I didn’t want to be here anymore and failing to complete my plan did not change that decision. It’s still not changed that decision. I still want to be dead.

That’s not to say my suicidal ideation has not lessened. A few months ago I was constantly actively suicidal. Always thinking of plans, always looking for the next opportunity, always battling the thoughts. Now my thoughts come and go, but they are still a frequent annoyance. I have moments when the thoughts lessen, but I am never glad to be alive. Most of the time I’m still wishing I was dead.

I do not see the point in life, nor the appeal. I don’t understand anyone who is glad to be alive. I see life as a long hard battle with no positive outcome at the end. I don’t see why anyone would put themselves through that for any longer than is really necessary.

I don’t know what will come of these thoughts. I have managed to resist over the past 6 months, but I do not know how long I can keep this up. I have been kept safe for most of that time, unable to act when I have most wanted to. That supervision will of course continue while I still harbour the desire to be dead. I wish it wouldn’t but know I can’t stop them. There is anger there of course. An annoyance that I am not in control of my own life. I understand their reasons though and I know I have no choice but to comply. I just wonder how long for.

I wish that things will change. I wish I could find a zest for life. I wish that I could see a point to it all. I wish that there was enough hope to keep me going.

I find myself wanting to force the change, but I can only see one option for that and I know it’s not the one that everyone else desires. I worry that I will take that option regardless. Suicide is always the fall back position. My trapdoor to escape all of this.

No Veins…

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I had to have my blood taken today, but we can safely say I have really crap veins. It took multiple attempts to get the tiniest amount of blood. I’m having the tests to check my platelet count has improved and also to check my thyroid. It seems my last test showed slight hypothyroidism and Dr G wants to check again before she gets the thyroxine out. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I know it may affect my weight and mood, but I’m not sure if it’s just a bit of an excuse. I guess we will see.

Aside from that it seems Dr G has been talking to the ward doctor, Dr C about me and they’ve decided I need extra support when I leave the ward. They want to work with the NHS and refer me to the CHMT. Dr G says I need regular support. She says in the past the NHS trust I come under has been good when she’s had to work with them, so fingers crossed. Also, she wants to refer me for some long term psychodynamic therapy which could be interesting. It’s assuring that she is thinking about what I need after the ward this time.

I had some upsetting news today. Someone that was in when I was here the first time died last week of alcohol poisoning. She just couldn’t stay off the drink even with the help here. It’s sad. I hate that I’m jealous of her, which feels disrespectful, but I can’t help it. I still wish I was dead. I wish it was me, not her. I hate this world. It’s too unfair.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 9th April 2009 at 9:57 pm

In for a Shock…

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I am still an inpatient and it looks like I will be for a while now as I am starting ECT tomorrow. Dr G asked me to have it last Tuesday and since then I’ve gone from wanting it, to not and back again a few times, but we’ve decided it is worth a try. Anything is worth a try when you are as low as I am at the moment. I can’t describe how difficult the last few weeks have been, just to be alive. All I have wanted is to be dead. It’s still all I really want. There is this awful, selfish part of me that hopes I don’t wake from the anesthetic tomorrow. I know that is unlikely though. I just hope for everyone else’s sake the ECT does what it is meant to. I’m past caring but I know my family are worried. Something has to change.

It’s hard to write properly typing on my phone. I wanted to blog. I need that record of things. Memory loss is a possibility and I don’t want to forget my thoughts. It’s hard though as I’ve found myself struggling to know how and what I am feeling and thinking. For possibly the first time in my life, I’ve really struggled to articulate things, not just when talking, but writing too. I’ve just not been able to get my pen to work. When usually the thoughts would just write themselves, it has been impossible. I’ve just been left staring at empty paper. I am not used to that.

Anyway. I hope everyone else is ok. I’ve heard that some of you aren’t either and that is saddening but I just hope you all hang on and stay safe. I know how hard it is. Take care. x

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 2nd March 2009 at 5:27 pm

Two Thousand and Nine…

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In about an hour the clock will roll around to midnight and it will be the start of a new year. It will be 2009. I am not sure I want to see it, but I am too late to change that now. I am trying to be hopeful that 2009 will be better than 2008. I am trying to see the positives. I have survived 2008. I am not sure I am glad about this. I know I should be, but I am not sure I feel it in my bones. I’m not sure I feel it in my heart.

I should be glad to see the back of 2008, but all I feel is dread for 2009. Dread for the future. Dread of this endless depression and pointless battle. Pointless existence. I don’t want to keep putting up with this life. I don’t want a new year if it is not going to bring about a new me, a new life, new hope. I have no hope.

I hate how fatalistic this sounds. I hate how pessimistic I have become. I hate how depression has made me. I hate it all.

I will see 2009. I will keep going. I just don’t want to.

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Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 12:08 am

Since Thursday 13th March 2008…

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I was trying to work out where my story begins. I can’t deny the fact I’ve suffered from this “illness” for as long as I can remember, but the events of recent weeks must have a beginning. Something started to change things.

Thinking about it, I guess things start with Thursday, 13th March 2008. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 23rd June 2008 at 1:25 pm