Into the system…

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Posts Tagged ‘existence

Two Thousand and Nine…

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In about an hour the clock will roll around to midnight and it will be the start of a new year. It will be 2009. I am not sure I want to see it, but I am too late to change that now. I am trying to be hopeful that 2009 will be better than 2008. I am trying to see the positives. I have survived 2008. I am not sure I am glad about this. I know I should be, but I am not sure I feel it in my bones. I’m not sure I feel it in my heart.

I should be glad to see the back of 2008, but all I feel is dread for 2009. Dread for the future. Dread of this endless depression and pointless battle. Pointless existence. I don’t want to keep putting up with this life. I don’t want a new year if it is not going to bring about a new me, a new life, new hope. I have no hope.

I hate how fatalistic this sounds. I hate how pessimistic I have become. I hate how depression has made me. I hate it all.

I will see 2009. I will keep going. I just don’t want to.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 12:08 am

Mumbai Shootings…

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I heard the news on the radio this morning as I was still half asleep. My partner’s alarm talked of Mumbai and shootings. I then proceeded to dream (?! I’m not sure I was dreaming, it was that half-state between wakefulness and sleep where your mind can wander and take a life of its own) firstly about contacting the people I know in Mumbai to check they were okay and then about being in a hotel as a hostage. When I returned to the real world and woke up, I couldn’t remember if the texts I sent when dreaming had really been sent. They need to be, but I don’t think they have yet.

I can’t believe what’s going on. I think it’s almost guaranteed that someone from my company would be in one of those hotels and no doubt many of our offshore colleagues were passing through the station. My last project had about 600 staff in Mumbai and I worked closely with some of them (well as closely as you can when there are 4500 miles between you). I hope everyone I know is okay. I hope everyone I don’t know is okay, but it’s clear from the news that isn’t the case. I’m still waiting for my company to send out an email about the events. I am sure they are busy trying to establish if all of our staff our okay, but I am surprised they haven’t sent out anything yet. It is hard not knowing anything.

It’s weird though. This news has kinda snapped my focus away from myself for a little while. I was really low last night and I am still shaky, but I am concerned about others and not myself right this moment. If I do think about how I am, I realise that I’m not that good, but it seems insignificant.

The reality is, the insomnia is pretty much back. I do get a couple drug induced hours of sleep and then wake up and stay awake for hours in the middle of the night. My appetite is waning again. I didn’t eat much yesterday. I wanted to hurt myself last night, but was unable to with my partner around. I don’t think I want to right at this moment. I’m still indifferent to life. I still see no point and I still feel like I am just carrying on for the sake of existing, but I don’t know what else to do right now. Suicide is still there, it’s still a fixation a lot of the time, but I am trying to hold on. I don’t know what I’m holding on for, but at the moment I think I should. We will see.

I am worried about my partner. I think he is on the verge of giving up on me. He only wants me fixed and as I’m not fixing I don’t think he knows what to do. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 27th November 2008 at 11:26 am

Continued existence…

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I want to write, but I just don’t know how to put things into words at the moment. I am unsure of how I feel, of where I stand and of my future.

I should be working, but I guess I can award myself a lunch break. It’s not something I am used to doing though. I have always worked long hours, without breaks. I am still a workaholic. Nothing changes.

Working from home today. It feels easier. Less pressure and the option to be myself; just stare at the wall if I need to. I have got more done than yesterday, but I’m still struggling. It is a pointless, continual existence. I can carry on, but I don’t know why I am.

I feel isolated. Both my HR contacts are on holiday and there is no one to go to. I want to discuss flexible working and other options, but I don’t know who to ask. I know I should be shouting up. I know I should be telling people how I feel and asking for help, but then there is no one here to listen. My line manager is busy and has enough on her plate. She has been supportive, but I don’t want to be a burden. I’m trying to let her get on with things. Trying to support myself.

I know I should go to my GP, but I don’t trust her and can’t open up with her. I wish there was another way. Someone else to go to, but I feel so cut off. I’ve still not heard from the mental health team. I don’t know who else to ask.

Things are back to how they were when no one knew. I’ve stopped talking to people. Stopped asking for help again. Started pretending things are okay. It’s easier to just put on my happy face again and pretend everything is sorted, even though it clearly isn’t.

I can’t admit how bad I feel and how hard this is. There’s this piece of me that wants to fall apart. This self-destructive urge that wants me to go back to work and fail spectacularly, because then I can say “I told you so”. Then I could show just how hard this all is, without having to admit it. I could show that things are far worse than I make out they are. I have suggested I’m coping to those that ask, but I’m not. I am still on the edge. I’m still close to breaking down completely, holding it together for no reason that I can see.

There frustrating thing is the lack of light at the end of the tunnel. I still see no future and no point. It’s something that niggles away at me constantly. I try to pretend I’m okay and things are improving, but I know there is no point if I don’t see a future. I can carry on like this. I can keep going, keep working, keep pretending, for days, weeks or years. I could do it, but I see no point in it. Is there any point for existing for existence’s sake? Is there any point in continuing to work, continuing to live, if it is always going to be this way? It makes any kind of effort or recovery seem pointless. Impossible, even. I don’t know why I’m still here. I wish it was easier not to be.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 1st August 2008 at 1:33 pm