Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Posts Tagged ‘freedom

Freedom is regret…

with 5 comments

I’ve had the New Post page open all day, yet I’ve still not written anything. It is weeks since I last wrote a proper post. I still have a lot I want to say, but the words just aren’t flowing at the moment. They run around my head in a flurry of thoughts, but I can’t seem to convert that stream of conciousness into type.

I don’t really know how things are. On some levels I am improving. I am functioning a lot better and have been a lot more productive lately. I am doing things, going places. In many ways I could maybe even pass as okay. On a good day maybe even well!?

I’m enjoying Creative Remedies more than I expected and it is proving good to get me out of the house. I have been working on the website for them and I am quite pleased with the results. I struggled at first with concentration but I managed to get it together in the end. It just takes me longer to do anything these days. My brain just isn’t what it used to be. My thinking has slowed down and my memory and concentration aren’t there. I do wonder how much ECT has affected my thinking power for life. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to work at the level I used to be at.

I have had a little more freedom of late, which I guess comes from people thinking I’m a bit better. I’ve got the bus to and from Creative Remedies a couple of times and spent a little time wandering around town on my own or out with the Creative Remedies folk. It feels good to be out and about. It feels good to be out with others, not just my bloke. It feels normal. It isn’t normal to not be allowed anywhere on your own.

I’ve also had the odd evening at home whilst my partner has been out. This week, I’m even spending three days alone, whilst he’s doing some contract work for his old employer. Time alone is never easy though. I wish it was. I both relish and dread it. I look forward to the freedom and the time to do as I please, but dread the thoughts it generates. There is the constant wish to “make the most of the opportunity”. The thoughts that I should just get on with it and kill myself. Getting through each period of time should be an achievement, but it just fills me with regret. Regret that I didn’t take the opportunity. Regret that I’ve failed yet again to end my life. Regret that I didn’t even try.

So of course, nothing has really changed. The bottom line is I still wish I was dead. I still think about making that wish a reality, every single day. I still struggle to get through a day without hurting myself. I don’t know if this is ever going to change. It feels like it has become the norm. I think it would be strange not to feel like this.

On the outside I may be improving. I may be functioning better and superficially at least I seem okay, but the inners are still faulty. I am frustrated that despite any improvements I still feel awful most of the time. I am coping and I getting through each day, but I don’t know why. I am frustrated that my thoughts still race, the impulses are still there and I still want to die. I don’t want to give up on recovery, yet I find it so hard to keep on.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 20th October 2009 at 10:03 pm

Another Bad Night…

with 6 comments

Last night was just another bad night of many recently. I couldn’t sleep, mainly because I felt physically awful, but also because there was a lot rolling around my mind. Little positive unfortunately.

Morning rolled around and I still felt terrible, so forcing myself out of bed really didn’t seem like a good idea. I just couldn’t face more therapy on top of the dizziness and stomach ache I was struggling with, so I decided not to head to The Priory today. Art Therapy this afternoon had been cancelled anyway as the therapist is away.

Afternoon arrived and I got up, but could only manage an hour or so before escaping back to bed. I had to get up eventually though mid-afternoon as there were things that needed doing and I had an appointment with my GP, Dr N.

The appointment was similar to usual. I wasn’t honest enough again, but I don’t know if I need to be anymore. They seem to realise that things are pretty bad. He asked me if I wanted to get better, and although I do, I confessed I sometimes find it hard. I just want everything to go away. He told me to stay safe. I wonder why they keep telling me that.

He gave me my scripts. 2 weeks this time, but he basically told me that 2 weeks of my new baby starting dose of Lamotrigine (25mg) is not enough to hurt a cat, let alone me, so told me not to bother. The silly thing is I’d already checked and knew that.

Tonight, I’ve been left alone whilst my partner is out for a few hours. I should feel the freedom and relish it, but I am just left disappointed that I feel so physically crap I can’t make the most of it. I am also bound by the dog and the fact my car is at the garage (even worse than not knowing where my keys are). I took the dog for a short walk, but didn’t feel very well doing it. My head was spinning and the strain of trying to get a 16 week old puppy to go where you want to was getting to me. I just wanted it to be over. It’s stupid that things like that left me not just wanting the walk to be over, but wanting everything to be over. That is the way things are at the moment.

Earlier this week, I had a plan for tonight. A plan I’ve not been able to realise. When asked if I was going to be safe on my own tonight I had always said yes. When asked if I had a plan and had set a date I had always said no. The truth was, I had a plan and today was the date.

All last night I was thinking about it. All last night I was thinking about whether or not it would work, whether there were any better options, whether or not I’d feel physically up to carrying it out, whether or not I’d be mentally up to it. I guess it is no wonder I didn’t sleep very well.

Today though has not gone to plan. I was missing some of the means and the physical strength to do it. I think it is hard to think about doing anything when you feel so physically crap that all you want to do is go to bed.

I am left disappointed and sad. I am left frustrated. I still wanted to do it tonight. It is too late now, but I find myself regretful. I should have done it. I should have just stuck to the plan. I feel weird. I didn’t see a future beyond today, so tomorrow will be strange. A day that I had not intended on seeing. I don’t know what to do with it.