Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Posts Tagged ‘mixed mood

Frustration…

with 5 comments

So since I’ve returned to blogging I haven’t actually had that much time to write about how I’m actually feeling at the moment. I’ve caught up on the past, but not looked at the present, let alone the future.

I’m currently frustrated and agitated. This has basically been the case on and off all week and I’m not sure how I feel about it really. It feels like I’m on edge and it could go either way. I could either become more and more hyper or I will drop off a cliff fairly soon. Neither option particularly appeals, as I suspect any hypomania would be of the dysphoric form. The experience that is a mixed mood is one I am frequently familiar with these days, but not one I enjoy that much. As Seaneen describes it, it’s a particular form of hell. Alternatively, the falling off a cliff is not much fun either and I’d rather not go there if I can!

I saw Dr G yesterday. This is the primary cause of my current frustration. I wrote to her, as I’ve felt that I’ve not been getting anywhere lately trying to talk. I asked about diagnosis again, but she was fairly evasive. She talked about how I had various issues, primarily that of a mood disorder, but there were other things at play. She mentioned the question over a personality disorder diagnosis and was quite vague about this. She said that although personality disorders are one of her specialties (especially Borderline PD) she is reluctant to apply the label of a personality disorder on anyone for various reasons. Mainly she said that it is such a misunderstood label and can often be bandied around to avoid giving treatment. I don’t know if that means she does think it could be applied to me or not. I couldn’t really tell from what she said and I suspect she is still not sure.

I also tried to discuss the best treatment options for me going forward. I explained that I didn’t feel I was making much progress, if any, and that I was frustrated by this. She seemed to think I was making progress, but that it was going to be slow. In terms of therapy, she didn’t think there was much else that we could do. She seemed confident that it will help me to manage my condition and will make a positive difference. So far I’ve not been so convinced. I want it to work and I want it to help, but I just don’t know if it is. In some cases I’ve been using many of the techniques for years to manage my condition, but I’ve just not been able to keep it up over the past few months. These skills just aren’t working anymore and it makes me feel like a failure for not feeling the benefit. CBT frustrates me, because as much as I try to counteract the negative thoughts with evidence, rational thinking and the rest, it doesn’t work. There is still this inner commentary counteracting everything I do, telling me it is all pointless and that I am wrong. I don’t know how to stop it. I sometimes wonder if I am just too ill for therapy at the moment. A lot of the time I just feel like I cannot engage and make the most of it. I don’t know when or how that is going to change.

She also went over my meds. She wanted to put up the Venlafaxine, but decided it was probably not a good idea due to agitation I had been experiencing. She’s going to review in about ten days, but said she may put it up then if I’m not feeling much improvement. We also moved all the quetiapine to a night dose, so I’m now on 225mg Venlafaxine in the morning and 350mg quetiapine at night. I am not sure how I feel about the quetiapine. I suspect without it I’d be sky high or unbearably agitated, yet I hate the numbing feeling it leaves me with a lot of the time. I just feel fuzzy, foggy and empty a lot of the time, but maybe that’s not the quetiapine at all. Maybe that is just how I am at the moment. I don’t know.

I left her office feeling extremely frustrated and even more agitated. I didn’t know what to say. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. She is still avoiding the question of diagnosis and is still telling me to be patient and keep trying. This was not the answers I was looking for. I had gone in there with my notes, hoping that I’d get some answers to my questions, but the reality is I left with the same questions I entered with and a feeling that she isn’t really listening. I don’t know if that is really the case, or if she is just powerless to help. She doesn’t think there’s much else we can do at the moment. She tells me there are no guarantees, but she hopes that I will get there slowly with the right medication, right therapy and enough will power and patience to stick at it. I don’t know how I am going to find the will. I just feel that I am battling and battling and not getting anywhere. Every step forward is followed by two steps back. I didn’t really know how to tell her I am so close to giving up. I cannot handle the waiting and uncertainty much longer. I can’t handle feeling like this much longer. I don’t really see where I am going with this and don’t see any way out. It feels like I’m never going to get anywhere, I’m never going to get better, I’m never going to understand this illness, I’m never going to be able to really talk to people, I’m never going to just be happy and content, I’m never going to win against the negative thoughts, I’m never going to want to live, let alone know how to handle it. I know that sounds awfully defeatist and pessimistic, but I’m being driven that way by illness, frustration and constant disappointment. I just don’t know what else I can do.

Today I saw Dr N, my GP. As always it was nice to see him, but it’s more of the same really. He was concerned by the agitation, but was convinced the venlafaxine is to blame. He didn’t really know what to say. He said he felt pretty impotent at the moment and it’s true. There’s nothing he can do whilst Dr G is managing my medication. He suggested it might be worth adjusting my meds, but we have to wait and see what Dr G says. He just tried to be encouraging, telling me to try and distract myself and channel the agitation and to just stick with it. I don’t really know what to say to him anymore. He just tells me week after week that there’s no easy solution, but hopefully we’ll get there eventually. I feel like I’m letting him down by not getting better. I feel that I’m letting everyone down.

I think I’m on the edge. The edge of this mood, the edge of reason, the edge of life? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do anymore and don’t see where this is all leading.

Quiet…

with 2 comments

It’s still quiet in the blogosphere. I’m not really feeling in the mood to write much myself and it seems I’m not the only one.

Last night I had a bit of a scare. My dad emailed me at work and of course my out of office is on. He saw it and questioned what it said (That I am out of the office until further notice!). F*ck! He put me on the spot so I kinda mumbled some excuse about sticking the out of office on so that I didn’t get bothered and could focus on some important work, but I’m not sure he bought it. I hate lying to him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I know I should really have taken that opportunity to be honest, but I was just too scared. Sadly, this exchange only served to make me confused, stressed and agitated, worrying endlessly about the repercussions of people knowing and the fact I don’t think I can be honest with my family ever. I struggled most of the night with recurrent thoughts that it would be just easier to not be here. The usual I guess.

Not only was that conversation still on my mind, but I was fidgety again and unable to sleep. In the end, my other half kicked me out of the bed and sent me downstairs to take my energy out on the Wii. So I was in my living room, playing Mario and Sonic at the Olympics at 2am! It didn’t really help much unfortunately, so I spent the next few hours staring out of the window again. I’m getting fed up of it. I have no idea why I seem to acquire a ton of agitated energy at 11pm every day. I guess I do need to do more in the day and try and tire myself out, but I just feel sick all the time!

This morning, I got an appointment letter through for another occupational health assessment. It’s a different doctor and this time I can’t find anything out about him, which I find a little scary. Usually when you google a doctor or surgery you can at least find out what their specialism is or something. The appointment isn’t until September either! Much longer to wait compared to last time and it scares me to think that I can’t imagine making it through the next four weeks. I find it hard to think ahead a few days, let alone a few weeks.

Today has been another mixed day. Started feeling low, followed by a short period of feeling fairly up and cheery, followed by a quick change to miserable and now headed towards agitation again. All accompanied by nausea, although it seemed a bit better during the “up” periods – probably why I was feeling okay!! The thing is, it feels like this is never going to get better. The intrusive thoughts are there pretty much constantly, even in the more up periods and I just feel physically “bleh” all the time. I’m not struggling with the real extremes of my mood, but I’m finding this constant fluctuation between varying degrees of crapness or agitation equally difficult. It somehow feels like I’ll never be able to cope with normal life again. I’m not even sure I can remember what “normal” life felt like.

Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 13th August 2008 at 4:45 pm

All over the place…

with 3 comments

…is how I feel today.

Last night I got very little sleep. I was fidgety, so much so, my other half sent me to the spare room. I couldn’t sleep, so sat up and tried to read. I managed to settle into my book eventually and I read for a few hours, but when I stopped I still couldn’t settle down and sleep. It was getting light before I was even asleep, but I was awake again before my other half got up for work.

My mood is still mixed. Both up and bouncy, irritable and agitated, sad and low. I’m not sure how you can feel all those things at once, or at least within quick succession of each other, but it seems you can.

I seem to be experiencing a strange side effect of the medication, or at least that’s what I assume it is. Since yesterday, I’ve felt like there is a ball of cotton wool wedged at the back of my throat, making it sore and dry. There isn’t, my tonsils seem fine and I don’t have any other signs of a cold so I don’t think I’m imagining it. I looked at the fluoxetine leaflet and dry mouth and sore throat are both listed, so I’m going to blame it on that for now, unless it does turn into a cold or tonsillitis during the next few days. It’s frustrating though. Not particularly painful, just there and annoying. When you’re irritable anyway, you don’t need something niggling away. Swallowing isn’t exactly comfortable either.

Aside from that I’m struggling to do anything much, yet getting annoyed that I’m so bored. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I want to do things, but then I don’t because I can’t concentrate and get frustrated too easily. I find myself flitting from thing to thing but settling on nothing.

A classic example of this, seems to be the fact that I can’t seem to bring myself to write any more right now. I don’t know what to say and am bored of myself already. I’ll try again soon.

EDIT: There is actually more I want to write about! That’s another problem. My Short term memory and attention span is terrible at the moment. What I have to write about is too long and complex for me to work out right now. It involves HR, liability, suicide and other things, but it isn’t clear in my head. Maybe later.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 7th August 2008 at 6:26 pm